Honeymoon Phase

We're back from Sacramento, where we were visiting family for Thanksgiving. We had a really nice time but all three of us ended up getting sick. Jerry had a bad cold, I ended up with bronchitis and now Warren is laid up in bed with a sore throat! So...I won't be writing much.

I really just wanted to tell you how pleasant life is now that I am accepting Jerry's interests instead of fighting against them. It's amazing how that one little switch in thinking has made such a difference. I hadn't realized before how much of the parenting angst I've felt since Jerry was born was a result of all the "shoulds" that were floating around in my subconscious (and conscious) mind. As these notions float away, I find I'm left with nothing but the notion of living a joyful life.

I think unschooling and I have entered our honeymoon phase. Getting to know each other wasn't easy, but I'm feeling all giddy about our relationship now. The only drawback is that I can't help wondering what happens when the honeymoon ends. I mean, all honeymoons end eventually, right? But, unschooling (to me, at this point, anyway) really does seem like a never-ending honeymoon. I mean, if it's all about following your passion and living joyfully how could it ever get old?

Happy Thanksgiving!

I probably won't post anything here until after Thanksgiving so I just wanted to wish you all a happy day and tell you that I'm so very grateful to all of you who read my blog, and leave your comments. You've become an important support system for me on this journey and I really appreciate you! I hope we get to meet in person some day.

I'm going to leave you with another Mary Oliver poem.

Daisies

It is possible, I suppose, that sometime
we will learn everything
there is to learn: what the world is, for example,
and what it means. I think this as I am crossing
from one field to another, in summer, and the
mockingbird is mocking me, as one who either
knows enough already or knows enough to be
perfectly content not knowing. Song being born
of quest he knows this: he must turn silent
were he suddenly assaulted with answers. Instead

oh hear his wild, caustic, tender warbling ceaselessly
unanswered. At my feet the white-petaled daisies display
the small suns of their center-piece, their - if you don't
mind my saying so - their hearts. Of course
I could be wrong, perhaps their hearts are pale and
narrow and hidden in the roots. What do I know.
But this: it is heaven itself to take what is given,
to see what is plain; what the sun
lights up willingly; for example - I think this
as I reach down, not to pick but merely to touch -
the suitability of the field for the daisies, and the
daisies for the field.

The Happiness Question

Today I was thinking about how my own happiness, lately, kind of hinges on whether or not I like Jerry's chosen activities. Not completely, I mean, I'm not getting freaked out about video games or computer use anymore and I'm finding lots of joy in my own activities and interests now that I'm giving Jerry more freedom to make his own choices. But I had the realization today that I feel better when Jerry chooses to do something that pleases me.

For example, we're reading the Edith Grossman translation of Don Quixote right now as our bedtime story. It was Jerry's choice. I had read him the windmill scene a few years ago and he said he wanted to read the whole book together. This makes me very happy. Why? Because it's a classic. Because it's not your typical kid lit. And because it sounds good. When someone asks what we're doing for homeschooling I can ramble off a few highlights (like the cool science projects or the volcano research) and then throw in "Oh, and we're reading Don Quixote." I can't help it. I get a thrill out of it, but I'm thinking it would be better if I didn't.

I mean, is it really safe to let another person's choice of how he spends his time determine whether or not I'm happy on a particular day? I'm thinking no. But I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to remove myself completely (emotionally, I mean) from Jerry's choices. Somehow, I don't think so. And would I want to? Do I need to? Is there a certain emotional distance involved in not judging how another person spends his time? I don't know.

What do you think?

Rule Two

I narrowly avoided causing another "incident" on Friday. Yes, it could have been the "chess incident" all over again but, I'm happy to say, sometimes I do learn from my mistakes.

Jerry had said he wanted to take a survival class through our homeschool group, so we signed up for two classes, the first of which took place last Friday. I was really looking forward to this class. We were going to learn about edible plants in the wilderness and I thought it would be really cool. Jerry had had a stomach flu the previous day but seemed fine that morning so we drove to the class. Once we got there and the other students started to arrive Jerry leaned on me and said he was sorry but he didn't feel good and he wanted to go home.

Now, I was helped out by the fact that he'd been sick the day before. If he'd been well I might have fallen into the old habit of insisting we stay because, after all, I drove all that way and I paid for it. But since Jerry had been sick I really had to consider his feelings seriously.

I took some deep breaths (being especially conscious not to turn them into heavy sighs) then told the woman who had organized the class that Jerry wasn't feeling well and we were going to leave but we'd see her at the next class. We got into the car and drove toward home.

So far so good, right? Well, what I should have done was just say "I understand" and drop it. But, I'm a beginner. I had to talk. "Blah, blah, blah blah. You know, if you want to make friends you need to put yourself out there. Blah, blah. You've got to talk to people. Blah. These classes are such a great way to make new friends but if you never want to stay.....". You get the picture.

Even as I was speaking I knew I should shut up. Eventually I did (I came to my senses after just a few minutes.) and asked if he'd like to stop for a bagel. So, we went to the bagel place where we used to go when he was in kindergarten and before we walked in the door Jerry hugged me and said "I love you, Mom. I know you really wanted to take that class and I'm sorry. But thanks for leaving."

Isn't that sweet? It made me think back to "Chess Incident" (you can read it for an example of one of my less than stellar parenting days). I was really struck by the different outcomes of the two similar situations. The chess incident started out much the same way the survival class did: I signed him up, paid for the class, drove 30 miles to get him there and then he told me he was too tired for chess and wanted to leave. But it ended with anger, hurt feelings, sadness, and the literal shoveling of shit--I sent him out back to pick up dog poop when we got home. (So sad! I feel really bad about that now.)

This time, though, I told myself that his needs were real. I knew I could sign up for an edible plant class some other time. It was not a big deal to leave. What was more important was to show Jerry that I took his needs seriously. So I did. I wasn't perfect (I had to talk!). But I didn't get mad. Instead of ending the scene with two people feeling awful, we ended up sharing a bagel and drinks, having a nice conversation, and appreciating each other's company. What a difference!

But wait! There's more! Learning this lesson has helped in other ways, too. I signed up to take a circus class with the homeschoolers because I thought Jerry would really like it, but he didn't want to join. He just wanted to watch to see if he would like the class. So, I took the class on my own. Now, Jerry had said he'd watch the class, but instead he played in another room with one of the other kids. I wondered if I should suggest that he stop playing and come watch (the whole point of me taking it was so he would join in eventually) but I didn't. The next week he didn't even feel like watching so I went to the class without him--no fuss or fight. I just said okay and I really was okay with it. (I love that class and there was no way I was going to miss it!) Now this week he says he wants to join! Yippee!

So, after two months I have finally discovered my second rule of unschooling. I'll write it out in caps again like I did the first rule:

HONOR YOUR CHILD'S FEELINGS.

Good things happen when you do.

Fun With Science (Ice Bulb)

I've been meaning to share some photos of our super cool science project with you. Since Jerry's been sick all day, and we were up most of the night, I thought this would be an excellent day for a photo essay.

The Ice Bulb

These are the supplies we used.

Jerry stripped the end of two electrical wires then attached them to an LED.


We don't have a photo of me sticking the little wired LED into a balloon, filling it with water, then tying the balloon in a knot. Luckily, there's no record of the words I used while knotting the balloon with those stupid wires sticking out the end either.


Here it is in the freezer.

A few hours later we stripped off the balloon, attached the wires to a couple batteries and...Voila!
It turns green, too. Learn to make your own Ice Bulb by clicking here. According to the video, you just need to touch the wires to the ends of two batteries to make the bulb light up, but we ended up needing to use a battery pack thing (a plastic device with slots for two AA batteries) from an electricity set we happened to have. If anyone knows why it wouldn't work with just the batteries will you let me know? And if you know the real name for a battery pack thing I'd be doubly grateful!

The Benefits of Virtual Worlds Online

As you may know I've been opening my mind to the possibility that video games and computer use are beneficial to children. In my previous life, as Waldorf school parent, I never would have even considered the possibility that they might be anything more than an energy-sucking nuisance. But, when I decided to unschool I committed to taking Jerry's interests seriously. And boy is he interested in computer use and video games! So, I've been reading up on their benefits and it turns out there are many.

This evening I went to a panel discussion at USC called "What are Kids Learning in Virtual Worlds? The Wonders and the Worries." There were five panelists, all of them very techno-savvy and convinced of the educational value of virtual worlds and video games. The opening remarks were given by the Vice President of the MacArthur Foundation. When I got home and checked the foundation's website, I discovered that many of her remarks came from the following editorial. All of a sudden virtual worlds are sounding pretty good to me!

An excerpt from "New Generations, New Media Challenges," an opinion-editorial by Jonathan Fanton that ran in the June 19, 2007, edition of the St. Louis Post Dispatch

Research, some of it funded by the MacArthur Foundation, is just beginning to fathom how deeply our children have absorbed new technology: the role it plays in their lives and how it affects their learning, play and socialization. What this research suggests is that today's digital youth are in the process of creating a new kind of literacy; this evolving skill extends beyond the traditions of reading and writing into a community of expression and problem-solving that not only is changing their world but ours, too. . .Henry Jenkins, director of the media studies program at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, calls this a new "participatory culture," one that presents low barriers to artistic expression and social engagement that suggests that a richer environment for learning may lie outside the classroom.

Online and after school, youths in this new participatory culture are assimilating new languages and rules, vast troves of research and perspectives on the nature of order and community that vault across traditional boundaries of race or creed or culture.

In meta-games such as Civilization III and SimCity, participants develop and manipulate dynamic models of real life; they teach and legislate, create and share, connect and collaborate, reflecting the value of team-building and consensus over autonomous solutions.

Moreover, through virtual characters and identities — even some that disturb parents — teens can experiment through trial and error, make poor moral choices or learn the downside of risk-taking without jeopardizing actual careers or lives. They learn to value challenge and appreciate complexity, even as they assimilate facts and assess developments at breathtaking speed.

The downside may be that in the sunset of the old information culture, we are not understanding this new media literacy soon enough. Those who have no opportunity or desire to be part of these revolutionary digital communities may be deprived of vital virtual skills that would prepare them for full participation in the real world of tomorrow.

In this new media age, the ability to negotiate and evaluate information online, to recognize manipulation and propaganda and to assimilate ethical values is becoming as basic to education as reading and writing. The children who truly will be left behind in the evolving digital culture are those who fail to bridge this participation gap.

Here are a few links to some really cool virtual worlds:

Webkinz
Club Penguin
Whyville
Gaia Online
Teen Second Life

By the way, one of the points made in the discussion was that many of these sites make money by offering advertising in the form of product placement. For example, Donna Karan clothes, or a Toyota Scion can be "purchased" and used by your child's avatar with points. All of the panelists felt children would benefit from an open discussion about consumerism, advertising, sales tactics, etc.

One last thing...I found an excellent resource today on Sandra Dodd's website. She has an entire page with links to articles about video games and their benefits. You'll find it here.

I'm still feeling good. :)

Deschooling At Last (Or, Living A Joyful Life)

The last time I had a revelation on my blog I sprinkled photos of our cats throughout the entry (even though they had nothing to do with anything!). I've had what I think is another good revelation so, in keeping with tradition, I'm posting some photos of Ravenpaw and Charlie--just for fun.

Whenever I post something about how far I've come, or how it's been smooth sailing lately, the very next day I find myself writing about how everything is falling apart. (Usually because of something I did.) Knock on wood, please, because I'm about to jinx myself. I've felt a definite shift these last few days. I've really come a long way!

Two months and three days have passed since we started unschooling and we're just now (FINALLY!) ready to start the deschooling process in earnest. It seems wrong to say "in earnest," actually, because earnest implies an intense focus and the shift I'm feeling is more a lack of intense focus. Or maybe it's just that my focus is changing. Instead of focusing on educating my son, or trying to unschool or deschool the "right" way, or fretting over how much screen-time is appropriate, my focus has shifted to living a joyful life.


What has brought about this change? Time. Research. Reading unschooling blogs. Reading the comments on my blog. Reading and posting on unschooling discussion groups. Reading books. Following my own interests. And more time.

Each of those activities has contributed to my growth and I don't think I'd have made it this far without every one of them. There's one book, however, that was especially helpful. It's called Parenting a Free Child: An Unschooling Life by Rue Kream (Thanks Evie!). I'm a little more than 3/4 of the way through it now and I just cannot recommend it enough for someone who is new to unschooling. More than an unschooling handbook, Parenting a Free Child is about respecting children as fellow humans on their own unique journey, living a joyful life and so much more. Everyone should read it!

With all of that said, I must tell you that I'm still far from being comfortable as an unschooler. It's still new. There are still things I'm not ready to change. I'm holding on to some practices that aren't very unschoolish--but I forgive myself for that. I'm learning at my own pace.

For now, my deschooling plan is to focus on one thing and one thing only.Joy. Finding it. Fostering it. And helping my family to do the same.