Busy Social Schedule & Toys Toys Toys

I thought I'd be posting all the time while we were here but that obviously hasn't been the case. Our social schedule is so much busier here than it ever was at home. I know part of that is due to the fact that we're in another country and we're supposed to be exploring, discovering and having fun. But when you think about it, as unschoolers,  shouldn't we be doing the exact same thing at home!? Of course we should! So that's something I plan on doing more of when we get home--exploring, discovering, having fun and being much more social.

Another thing I've noticed being over here, and actually, I noticed this when we started hanging around more homeschoolers in L.A. too, is that when Jerry was in private school we were part of a culture of people who buy a lot of stuff--and a lot of stuff for their kids. I'm not a big shopper and we really are pretty frugal, at least compared to the other families in the private schools of Los Angeles. But now that we're not spending as much time around that circle of people I find myself constantly embarrassed at the amount of stuff Jerry has. It really bothers me! One of the kids over here took a look at all the games Jerry has for his DS and said "Wow! Are you a millionaire!?" Granted those games are $75 each over here, but still, he does have lots. Too many maybe.

So I've been saying no more when he wants to buy things (going against the "say yes more" rule of unschooling)--and he always wants to buy things! He really likes to have stuff. I've always thought that if he wants something and there's no pressing reason not to buy it we should go ahead and get it. But when I think about his playroom (yes, there is an entire room in our house dedicated to his "stuff") I wonder if maybe I've made a mistake. Maybe I should have said no more and put that money in savings instead. Or purchased stocks with it. I don't know. I do know that Jerry has more stuff than any kid I've met since we left the Waldorf School and it worries me.

We're off to Rotorua tonight for a weekend in a hotel with Warren and then a few nights with some homeschooling families down there. We'll be seeing lots of geothermal activity, riding in the Zorb, taking a gondola ride up to a luge track, visiting the Agrodome and more!

Recommended Reading for Newbies

I just wanted to share a few posts with you from Laura at Wistful Wanderlust. I highly recommend reading all three of them, especially if you're relatively new to unschooling, or you've started unschooling an older child. They're a joy to read and give a really honest representation of her journey.

Unschooling Q&A: How Did We Get Here?
In Part One Laura talks about the paradigm shift that led her to unschooling.

Unschooling Q&A: How Did We Get Here? Part II
Part Two chronicles her journey from mainstream parent to alternative parent to unschooler.

Unschooling Q&A: How Did We Get Here? Part III
Part three delves into the bane of my existence for the first few months of unschooling, "screen time."

Enjoy!

Saying Yes & Manipulation

I'm feeling better! I got a little worse and gradually I've been getting better. Our guests have arrived and we're really enjoying each other's company. Jerry and I are brushing up on our Spanish--my friend's seven-year-old daughter is a wonderful tutor! Today we went to the Hollywood Farmer's Market and were so tired when it was all over we had to come home and take a nap. (They've all been sick, too.)

I actually started this next part of the post a week or so ago and promptly forgot about it. So, I thought I'd include it today, since I don't have much to report. Here it is:

A few weeks ago Jerry was going to spend the day at the Elves' Faire at his old school, the Waldorf school. He looks forward to this event all year and the highlight, for him, is a "war." For the past few years the boys in his class and some of the younger ones would buy wooden swords at the Faire and run around the campus in teams battling each other.

This year Jerry had made a sword in the wood shop at sleep away camp and was really looking forward to using it. The sword was made from a 2x4, was about five feet long and weighed at least ten pounds--possibly more. He was so proud of it.

I had pretty much determined there was no way I was going to let him bring that sword to the Faire. I didn't even think they'd let him in with it, quite honestly. But, the day came and I'd been working on saying yes, so before pronouncing my decision I stopped and thought about how important the sword was to Jerry and whether or not there was any way he might be able to take it to the Faire.

Aside from my worries about him not getting in with the sword, I didn't think there was any way he could carry it around all day, let alone wield it in battle. But I stopped to think about whether or not there might be a way for him to get his way and figured if he really could carry it all day there was no reason why he couldn't take it.

Now here's where this scenario felt a bit manipulative to me. I knew there was no way he could carry it around. It's huge. But I suggested that for the day before the Faire he take it everywhere and if he was comfortable carrying it around it would be okay to take it to the Faire. And I meant it. Five minutes hadn't passed before he came to the conclusion that it would be best to leave the sword at home. So I felt good that I had let him make his own choice, but I felt like I led him to it.

Was I being manipulative? Or do I just know my son? It seems like there was kind of a fine line there. I don't know....

On Commitments

So, I've been saying yes more. I've been honoring Jerry's feelings and interests and that's all fine and good, but a pattern is emerging that I'm not exactly happy with. He's bailing out on his classes at the last minute. It's not that he wants to stop taking the classes. He insists he wants to take them. But there have been more than a few days in the last couple months when Jerry has made a commitment to attend a class and just before we leave, or the teacher arrives, or we're about to walk in the door he doesn't feel like going.

Ever since the "chess incident", whenever he's said he doesn't want to go to a class I've said okay--well, mostly. The other day he didn't want to go to trombone and I said he had to, but he went along without a fuss. He's bailing out a lot lately, though.

Remember the circus class I mentioned I've been going to? Well, he finally said he wanted to join, I signed him up, and then TWICE (not once) on the morning of class--after I'd committed to paying for his lesson--he didn't want to go. Both times I let him stay home. He did finally join me this week but only after a discussion on the importance of honoring his commitments and not taking advantage of people (me) who are paying for classes because he says he wants to take them.

Just this morning his drawing teacher was due to arrive and suddenly he didn't want to have drawing class. At first I said I would take the class instead because we'd have to pay for it whether she taught him or not but then I realized I needed to drop my car off at the mechanic's, so I said he'd have to have the lesson whether he wanted it or not.

So, basically, I'm struggling with the boundary between letting Jerry make his own choices and requiring that he honor his commitments. I'm definitely against wasting time on something just because you started it. If a book, a movie, or a class I'm taking is bad I drop it. Life is too precious to be wasted on bad art and boring teachers. And I did let Jerry drop an expensive series of classes recently because he didn't like it (and there were no refunds!). So I'm not coming at this from an "honor your commitments even if they make you want to gouge your eyes out" point of view. But when we pay for Jerry to take drawing or trombone or go to circus class because he says he wants to do those things it's not so easy for me to let it slide when he wants to stay home instead.

I'm not really sure what the solution is. This morning after drawing his teacher asked if we wanted to meet next week or the following week and I left it up to Jerry completely. At least that way there is no question about who made the commitment. Maybe part of the solution, then, is to make sure he recognizes that he is the one in control. He's making the choice to schedule the lesson, therefore he is the one in charge of honoring that commitment.

I don't know. I still don't know exactly how to balance out letting Jerry make his own choices and making sure I'm not wasting a lot of money on classes he doesn't attend.

Hmmm.....I'm not too sure about this one.

Now I have to mention something completely unrelated to this post. My cat, Charlie (the black and white one) got in the shower with me today! Yes, he actually stood on the floor of the shower and let the water run down his back. He kept his head under the shower liner so it wouldn't get wet but the rest of him was soaked by the time he finally jumped out. Isn't that funny?!

Rule Two

I narrowly avoided causing another "incident" on Friday. Yes, it could have been the "chess incident" all over again but, I'm happy to say, sometimes I do learn from my mistakes.

Jerry had said he wanted to take a survival class through our homeschool group, so we signed up for two classes, the first of which took place last Friday. I was really looking forward to this class. We were going to learn about edible plants in the wilderness and I thought it would be really cool. Jerry had had a stomach flu the previous day but seemed fine that morning so we drove to the class. Once we got there and the other students started to arrive Jerry leaned on me and said he was sorry but he didn't feel good and he wanted to go home.

Now, I was helped out by the fact that he'd been sick the day before. If he'd been well I might have fallen into the old habit of insisting we stay because, after all, I drove all that way and I paid for it. But since Jerry had been sick I really had to consider his feelings seriously.

I took some deep breaths (being especially conscious not to turn them into heavy sighs) then told the woman who had organized the class that Jerry wasn't feeling well and we were going to leave but we'd see her at the next class. We got into the car and drove toward home.

So far so good, right? Well, what I should have done was just say "I understand" and drop it. But, I'm a beginner. I had to talk. "Blah, blah, blah blah. You know, if you want to make friends you need to put yourself out there. Blah, blah. You've got to talk to people. Blah. These classes are such a great way to make new friends but if you never want to stay.....". You get the picture.

Even as I was speaking I knew I should shut up. Eventually I did (I came to my senses after just a few minutes.) and asked if he'd like to stop for a bagel. So, we went to the bagel place where we used to go when he was in kindergarten and before we walked in the door Jerry hugged me and said "I love you, Mom. I know you really wanted to take that class and I'm sorry. But thanks for leaving."

Isn't that sweet? It made me think back to "Chess Incident" (you can read it for an example of one of my less than stellar parenting days). I was really struck by the different outcomes of the two similar situations. The chess incident started out much the same way the survival class did: I signed him up, paid for the class, drove 30 miles to get him there and then he told me he was too tired for chess and wanted to leave. But it ended with anger, hurt feelings, sadness, and the literal shoveling of shit--I sent him out back to pick up dog poop when we got home. (So sad! I feel really bad about that now.)

This time, though, I told myself that his needs were real. I knew I could sign up for an edible plant class some other time. It was not a big deal to leave. What was more important was to show Jerry that I took his needs seriously. So I did. I wasn't perfect (I had to talk!). But I didn't get mad. Instead of ending the scene with two people feeling awful, we ended up sharing a bagel and drinks, having a nice conversation, and appreciating each other's company. What a difference!

But wait! There's more! Learning this lesson has helped in other ways, too. I signed up to take a circus class with the homeschoolers because I thought Jerry would really like it, but he didn't want to join. He just wanted to watch to see if he would like the class. So, I took the class on my own. Now, Jerry had said he'd watch the class, but instead he played in another room with one of the other kids. I wondered if I should suggest that he stop playing and come watch (the whole point of me taking it was so he would join in eventually) but I didn't. The next week he didn't even feel like watching so I went to the class without him--no fuss or fight. I just said okay and I really was okay with it. (I love that class and there was no way I was going to miss it!) Now this week he says he wants to join! Yippee!

So, after two months I have finally discovered my second rule of unschooling. I'll write it out in caps again like I did the first rule:

HONOR YOUR CHILD'S FEELINGS.

Good things happen when you do.

A Birthday Surprise

Jerry says his twelth birthday was his best ever. It was certainly full of surprises! The day before his birthday he received a card, completely out of the blue, from a family we had met at family camp last August. There was a check for $120.00 in it! $120.00!!! We hadn't spoken to this family since camp ended. It was such a wonderful, exciting, out of the blue thing for Jerry to find in the mail box.

He knew exactly what he wanted to buy with it. An electric guitar. So we went over to Guitar Center that same day and he bought a Les Paul junior. Jerry kept it a secret from his dad all day, so that when Warren got home he would be surprised. Boy was he!

When I told friends and family about the check almost everyone's first reaction was "That's weird." Isn't it sad the way we just can't wrap our heads around receiving gifts or sometimes even kind gestures from people we don't know very well? How fabulous for that family, to be in a position to surprise a twelve-year-old boy on his birthday. And how nice for Jerry to be on the receiving end of such kindness. It's not weird. It's wonderful!

There's a hilarious book by Danny Wallace called Join Me that addresses this very topic (among other things). Wallace placed an ad in a freebie newspaper that just said, "join me." He didn't say what joinees we're joining him for, just that they were to send a passport photo to his address if they were interested. The photos started pouring in. Before he knew it Wallace found himself leading a cult, only he had no idea what the cult was meant to do.

After much thought, and a few pints, Wallace created a first assignment for his followers'. It was simple. "Make an old man happy." They were to buy a random old man a cup of tea, pay for his bus fare, that kind of thing, and they did. Many of them even documented these acts with photos. Eventually, Wallace extended these random acts of kindness to everyone, regardless of age or gender, and the Karma Army was born. Wallace's followers would strive to practice one random act of kindness each week. The only stipulation was that it had to be random, unexpected, and kind.

As long as I'm on the subject of Danny Wallace his second book was just as good as "Join Me." It's called Yes Man. In this book Danny has taken the advice of a stranger on a bus who suggested he "say yes more." But instead of saying yes "more" he decides he'll say it all the time--to everything. It's laugh out loud funny but the book really gets you thinking about where a simple "yes" can lead.

I guarantee that if you read both of these books you'll say yes more and leave some surprised strangers feeling grateful, even if they do think you're a complete lunatic.