I Gave Good Advice!

Today I got a comment from someone on and older post (way back on August 28, 2008) so I went back and read what I had written all those months ago--and it was pretty darn good! I'm going to re-post it here because, you know, it's easier to cut and paste than it is to think up something new. And besides that, my "creative organizing" (i.e., slovenly ways) have gotten the better of me and I can't find the stupid piece of paper I need in order to register for my college classes, so I'm going to have to spend the day combing through every single, stupid, bloody piece of paper in my entire house. Ugh! A messy desk may be the sign of a creative mind, but I'm thinking a dash of order might come in handy now and then.

Anyway, on to better things....

Advice for the New Unschooler

We're coming up on our first homeschooling anniversary. And three days after that will be our first unschooling anniversary. Yes, we lasted a full three days in school at home mode before both Jerry and I were in separate rooms crying and I tossed my hands in the air (onto the computer keyboard, actually) and googled "unschooling."

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I would say to myself if I could travel back in time and give my new unschooler self a few words of advice from my not-so-new unschooler self.

The very first thing I would say is that she should throw the whole one month for every year in school thing out the window. You've heard that right? "It takes one month for every year a kid spends in school to rediscover his love of learning." Here's the thing about that: first of all, as the parent that puts you in a bit of a holding pattern. You're waiting for something to happen. You're looking for "learning" all the time. You can't wait for x number of months (it was five for us) to be over so the real unschooling can begin. But here's the thing about that: It's already begun. The unschooling started the day your child walked out of the classroom for good. It's going to look different as time passes and in the beginning it'll throw you off because either you might not see the value in what they're doing or it won't look anything like learning. But relax. Someday it will.

In fact, that's something else I'd tell my new unschooler self: Drop the word "learning" from your vocabulary. It might be different for other kids but my son came out of school with very strong feelings about learning--none of them good. So even when I insisted he was learning by sitting around playing video games and watching TV all day (even though I didn't have much faith in that at the time), I was still putting emphasis on something he didn't value. Now, I know Jerry does value learning. But when he is learning about something he enjoys (using Microsoft Paint to create new Pokemon, for example--that's what he's been up to lately) he doesn't consider it learning. To Jerry, learning is being forced to remember or do something that isn't interesting to him or has no relation to his life. To me, it's gathering information and creating a deeper understanding of the world we inhabit. But since our definitions are so different why not just lose the word altogether?

So what should my new unschooler self be doing while she's not talking about learning or looking for it in her son? Follow her bliss! This is one of the things I like best about homeschooling (and unschooling in particular because it seems to allow more time for this kind of thing). Have you always wished you'd paid attention in physics class? Get yourself a book and start reading about it. And when you get excited about something share it with your child. Don't share it in an "I want you to know this" way. Share in a "look what I just discovered--isn't it awesome!" way. Excitement is contagious. And though your child may never become excited about electrons moving from one atom to another or the second law of thermodynamics, he'll see that you're excited about learning (even though you won't call it that!) and that right there is a very important lesson!

Now, on to the big bad television and video games: In the last few months I've realized what a huge mistake it was to express my distaste for video games so loudly. Children are already bombarded with images of kids who like to play video games as losers. Compare this to kids who are obsessed with sports. How do we view those kids? We support their interest. We sign them up for team sports and encourage them to improve. But with video games we're just hoping they'll lose interest. So what message are we sending? Are we saying gamers really are losers? I think we might be. So I would tell my new unschooler self, right from the very beginning, to stop separating video game/computer time from other play time. In other words, try not to think of it as something "other" or bad.

I know this is really hard. My son was in a Waldorf school before we started this journey so we had serious restrictions on video game and computer use. We didn't ban them completely but they were not an option during the school week and on weekends he was only allowed a few hours of "screen time." But since the unschooling philosophy requires a parent to take her child's interests seriously, once we started unschooling I couldn't continue to look at Jerry's interest in video games as something that was worthless. By virtue of the fact that my son was interested in spending his time in front of the screen, the screen had worth.

For months I struggled with this. I was extremely uncomfortable with the amount of time he was spending in front of the tv, at the computer, or playing video games. I'm still not comfortable with the idea of spending all day in front of a screen but I keep my mouth shut--it's been a year now and he does it less and less. He finds interest in other things, seeks out my company and asks to play board games or draw or do things that I couldn't get him interested in when we began.

So I would also ask my new unschooler self--no, wait, I would insist--that she carefully consider the message she is sending to her child when she places negative judgments on the things that are near and dear to his heart.

I think that's it for now. I'm sure I'll come up with other ideas. In fact, if anyone else wants to put a similar post up at their own blog, I'd be happy to put a link to it here. I figure the new unschoolers need all the help and encouragement they can get. It's a rough few months when you're first starting out, questioning everything you ever believed about learning and parenting and trying to wrap your head around a style of learning that looks suspiciously like doing nothing. But once you make that paradigm shift "doing nothing" suddenly becomes "living joyfully" and things start to fall into place.

-written by me, on August 28, 2008

Less than thirty minutes later: I found it! I found the paper I needed after only 20 minutes of looking. It was in Jerry's desk of all places! I never would have looked in there except that Jerry's desk is now my desk, so I started cleaning it out and there it was! I can register for my classes now. Yippee!

Silence is Golden

That's the rule I've been trying to remember lately. And I've been doing pretty well. For example, when Jerry and I were reading over the information on how to choose parts for a gaming PC the other day and after about 15 minutes he decided he wanted to get up and play with balloons, which sent memories of trying to get him to do his homework and him deciding he wanted to get up and run around the house flashing through my brain, my first thought was, "But we should be reading this." My second thought was, "Relax, you spastic, brainwashed-by-years-of-school, freaker-outer and just have fun with your son."

So I did. And when he was batting at balloons and I was throwing them and we were talking about the air currents and resistance and laughing and our bodies were lunging and bending and we were working up a sweat, I did not say, "Hey, we're doing science and getting really good exercise! We should do this more often."

When we tired of playing with balloons I suggested that he might like to work on his marble run while I read out loud about the computer components. (I know. I know. I couldn't let it go--but he agreed!)So he worked and I read and eventually his attention shifted to putting streamers on our front door for the cats to play with. When he asked for my help I didn't even think about saying, "We should keep reading this." (See how I'm improving!) I just helped. And when he said "Hey, let's go to the party store and get some silly string!," we hopped in the car and came back with three cans of silly string, two glow sticks, and more balloons. By this time I was done thinking. I was just having fun. We sprayed the silly string in our front yard and when it got dark Jerry broke out the glow sticks.

He swirled them around and around while I took pictures. This is his name in cursive.

The next day (that was yesterday) we went to Universal Studios with some friends and when, very early in the day, Jerry said he was ready to leave I didn't say, "Why did I spend $300 to take you and a friend to Universal Studios if we were only going to stay for a few hours?" Oh wait, I actually let that one slip.

But after that I diligently kept all other toxic thoughts to myself. I was following the other rule, "If you can't think of something nice to say don't say anything at all." And I was trying not to let my body language say mean things either. I reminded myself that we came to Universal Studios to have fun. Not to have a specific number of hours of fun. Just to have fun. And by the time we got back to the car it was fun again. Phew!

I'm Famous!

Okay, famous may be a slight exaggeration. But I'm in a book! Well, not me exactly. My blog. This blog. The very blog you are reading now is featured in Tammy Takahashi's new book Deschooling Gently. Isn't that cool!? Tammy had asked if she could put the Graph of My Emotional State While Deschooling (the fact that I bothered to graph it should tell you something--it wasn't pretty) into her book shortly after I'd posted it. I said, "Go for it!" and then kinda forgot about it. 

Until this afternoon I wasn't even sure if my graph had actually made it into the book. Yes, I know I could have sent an e-mail and asked. But that didn't occur to me. Also, if the answer was no I didn't especially want to hear it. It's kinda like that thing you do with your checking account when you're broke. You know how you just try not to look at it? No? Okay, it's the kind of thing I do when I'm broke. Anyway, I ordered the book a few days ago and figured I'd find out when I got it. But it hasn't arrived yet.

However, today was park day and Tammy was there with copies of her book! And the graph is in! And I met Tammy, which was really cool because I knew she lived nearby and was part of our homeschool group (the rockin'est homeschool group ever) but I'd never actually met her before. Pretty cool, eh?

I know I shouldn't really tell you all to buy the book since I haven't read it yet, but it is getting great reviews. Summer over at Mom is Teaching gave it 5 out of 5 stars and said it's "perfect for new homeschooling parents yet still a great read for the more experienced ones who are feeling stuck in a hamster wheel." And a bunch of people at park day today said it's a terrific book to give to concerned family members. And, of course, if you read Tammy's blog you already know she's a joy to read--honest and smart and totally in tune with what's happening in the diverse world of homeschooling. Aw, heck. What am I waiting for? Buy the book! 

No Techno Vaca

Jerry says he doesn't need a "techno vaca" now that he's rediscovered his creativity. But if we were doing the "techno vaca," JJ pointed out that it would be better to look at what he enjoys doing, rather than focus on what he's leaving out. Good advice! Jerry was feeling down mainly because his interests have been very focused lately (on video games) but it seems all that's required to make him feel better--and he's already started doing this on his own--is to revisit his other interests. In the last couple days he's gotten out his legos again (they're covering every inch of the playroom floor!), he's started making a movie on the computer, he's been painting his Munnies, he's rediscovered Line Rider (an old favorite) and he's spent far less time in front of the television. And he did it all on his own!

I think we're beginning to reap the rewards of allowing him to make his own choices in regards to screen time. It's been a challenge. For my husband and I, that is. Going from the anti-technology Waldorf philosophy we'd adopted over the five years Jerry was in school to the radical unschooling philosophy of unlimited screen time was a pretty big jump--kind of like jumping off a cliff, blind-folded, with our hands tied behind our backs and trusting that Jerry would remember to put the trampoline at the bottom. It's taken a lot of trust and a lot of going against our previously held notions about television, computers and video games and what role they should play in our child's life and the life of our family.

Even though Jerry has been loving his freedom, I'm beginning to see that it was a challenge for him as well. I think that's where the sadness came from the other day. But now that he's coming out of the all screen-time all the time mode (it helps, I think, that we're home again) and remembering that he has other interests, he may not be as glued to the screen as he has been these past few months (more than a few, actually!). Of course, now that I've typed this and will be sending it out to the world he's pretty much guaranteed to spend the next 72 hours with his eyes glued to the TV. Oh well. C'est la vie! 

But I do think I can finally see the light at the end of the video game playing/computer using/television watching tunnel. And I see a blue sky. And birds flying. And a rainbow! And what's that? Oh. It's a computer. And a Wii remote.  And, oh, there's a PlayStation over there. But there are birds and the sky is blue. And I know I saw a rainbow. 

From Rotorua to Tauranga & An Unschooling Plan

After two nights with our host family in Rotorua we said farewell and hopped on a bus to Tauranga where another homeschooling family had invited us into their home. This next family lived on a hilltop with the most wonderful view. They had a miniature pony, chickens, a duck, and the sweetest dog, a bull mastiff named Zara.
That first night we roasted marshmallows in a fire pit in their garden then headed off to bed. The next day they took us to a beautiful reserve where we hiked to this waterfall,

had a picnic lunch, fed the ducks,then walked to this peaceful spot beside the water
where I found this tree with these crazy roots sticking up all around its trunk. Doesn't it look like a place where the faeries might dance?
On our way back to their house we stopped and walked around these lovely boulders. After a second night in Tauranga we checked out a few local beaches then caught the bus back to Auckland. It was such a fun week we needed two days to recover when we got back!

I can't stress enough how wonderful it has been getting to know all these homeschooling families. It's not just the fact that they are sharing what they love about New Zealand with us that makes meeting them so wonderful, though that in itself is a rare treat for any traveler. What I love is getting to know them and seeing how homeschooling works in their lives. No family we've met does homeschooling the same way. We've met traditional homeschoolers, radical unschoolers, and everything in between.

Being so new to unschooling I've frequently found myself wanting to "do it right," especially in those first few months (I'm approaching day 200 as an unschooler, by the way!). But trying to do something right often means following someone else's lead and while a guide is surely necessary early on (and I thank my lucky stars to have found several), at a certain point one needs blaze her own trail. Of course I'll always have a map in my back pocket in case of emergencies. But eventually I think I'll take everything I've learned and come up with a version of unschooling that's unique to our family.

For now, though, we're just enjoying our time in New Zealand and not thinking much about school, un-, home- or otherwise. Is Jerry learning anything? You bet. For math he's converting NZ Dollars to US Dollars, converting metric to standard measurement and back. He's baking. He's seeing our planet's inner workings in action. He's learning about the history of New Zealand, and with it some of Britain's history. And that's just the tip of the iceberg (he'll be seeing one of those up close in a few weeks).

This trip has made deschooling much easier for me. I wanted this blog to be an accurate representation of a typical first year of going from school to unschool. But with this trip I feel like I'm cheating--it won't really be a typical at all. I've been wondering, though, if thinking of the first year of deschooling as a vacation at home would be helpful for people. You know, buying a guidebook and doing all the things a tourist would do if they were visiting. I'm going to try to keep up the vacation when we get home. And I'm going to stick my nose out of my shell at Park Days a bit more so I can meet more people--just to keep up the things that I've enjoyed about being here.

By the way, I've decided that the whole month for every year in school thing should be thrown out the window. I think it's best for people fresh out of school to take an entire year. During that year follow your bliss, act like you're on vacation, go out of your way to meet other home- and unschoolers then, when that year is up, take a look at where you are and determine where you (and your family) want to go from there. That's my plan anyway and I'm sicking with it!

Stimulation Dilema

Before I get to the Stimulation Dilema, I want to share some pictures from our fabulous weekend. My parents came down and watched Jerry while I was at the Jane Austen Ball. This was my third year at the ball and it was the best one ever. I had so much fun!


Saturday we went to the Santa Monica Pier with my parents and went on some rides:


And enjoyed the good company and lovely weather:


My mom and dad have packed up and are on their way back home to Sacramento. They were going to take Patsy, our dog, since they'll be watching her while we're away, but Jerry and I decided we weren't ready for her to go yet--which means we'll need to drive her up three days before we leave, then turn right around and come home the next day. It was just too sad to think of being without her for two weeks before leaving and I think it would have made going away much harder for Jerry. He usually does fine when we're away from home for long periods of time but when he's homesick it's almost always Patsy that he misses most.

On to the Stimulation Dilema:

I feel like I've been so busy lately that Jerry has been left to his own devices a lot. It's not that I'm not here. I am. But I'm doing my own thing, leaving Jerry to be at the computer, play video games, watch television, or do whatever happens to strike his fancy at the moment. I suppose that's alright for a while but I don't feel quite right about it. It makes me feel like I'm not providing enough stimulation. A lot of people on the unschooling discussion lists say that when your kids watch television, for example, you should be watching with them, but I don't really like watching television. Also, I have so much to do before we go I can't imagine wasting time in front of the TV. I sit with Jerry when he asks me to, but if he doesn't ask I do other things. And he hasn't asked much lately. I keep thinking once we get to NZ it will be better because I won't have as much pulling my attention away from him. I do wonder, though, when we're just living our daily lives what's the best way to be sure I'm not slacking off in the educational stimulation department. Even when I'm busy I continue to bring interesting bits of information to his attention, so I know I'm doing something, at least, but I don't really think that's enough.

Funny Stuff At The Parenting Pit

The Parenting Pit just made my day. Hurry over to there and read today's post--it's so so funny!

Click here and enjoy!

Saying Goodbye & Some Unschooling Explanations

Warren is off to New Zealand. Now it's just me, Jerry, the dog, two cats, a hermit crab, two tarantulas (don't ask!) and my twenty-something niece. Sounds like a full house but it feels pretty empty. I don't usually get all sad over Warren leaving (it's just part of his work) but this time is different. Jerry and I created a countdown on our calendar so we know exactly how many days will pass until we see him again.

Last time we went on location together was 2006. We were in London for two months. A week before our departure for home Jerry and I had taken the train up to a beautiful town in North Yorkshire called Whitby. On our second day there Jerry had a terrible cycling accident. There was no blood. He just fell and hit the handlebars wrong and the impact was so strong it lacerated his liver and bruised a couple other organs. We ended up spending two nights in ICU and a total of ten days in the hospital (mostly at the pediatric liver unit in Leeds). When I think of that experience I almost never think of it as bad luck or say to myself "wasn't it awful?" I can only think of how lucky we were to bring him home with us.

Anyway, I think that's why I'm feeling so sad about Warren leaving. Logically, I know the accident was a fluke. There's no reason something like that should happen again just because we're going on location. Thinking that way is ridiculous and I know it! But I guess it's bringing back all the memories and feelings of those last weeks in England and our trip home. We were all in such a state of shock.

Ugh. Sorry to sound so glum! The good news is that I've had absolutely no time for fretting over what Jerry is learning. In fact, I'm trying to lose the word "learning" from my vocabulary. I've decided it's wound up too tightly with school and the more tyrannical forms of education. My new word (words, actually) is (are) going to be "acquiring knowledge." I can't deny that Jerry is acquiring knowledge daily. In fact, Webkinz has turned out to be his latest source for all kinds of information! Who knew!? And he's getting really excited about New Zealand and Fiji (we're going to try for a side trip to Fiji!!) He's also learning a lot about medieval warfare (and lots of new vocabulary) through reading Redwall. We're reading it together and though I'm not entirely enamored with the story, I can't deny that the writing is pretty good.

I've just realized that writing "I've had absolutely no time for fretting over what Jerry is learning" and meaning it as a GOOD thing, will probably shock any readers who are new to my blog and aren't familiar with Unschooling. If you click on the link to the right of my blog that says "Joyfully Rejoicing" (or just click here) you'll find lots and lots of information about Unschooling written by Joyce Fetteroll. She explains it beautifully.

Here are a couple excerpts from her Unschooling Philosophy page:

The principles of unschooling are that humans are born learners. That children will learn best when given the freedom to learn what, when and how they want.

The goal of unschooling is not education. It is to help a child be who she is and blossom into who she will become. Learning happens as a side effect.

These are from How Unschooling Works:

Real learning is how they learned to speak English. If you can step back and look at it objectively, they don't consciously learn to speak. It's just there. They absorb how others use it. They play with it. They pick up a piece and use it as a tool to get what they need because it's better than the tools they had been using. (They realize "ook" gets them milk more efficiently than crying.) They never think, "Oh, English is useful. I need to practice and get better at it." They just use a variety of tools (including English) trying to get what they want and get better at the tools that work best as a side effect.

All the stuff they teach in school are tools that people might use to get what they want. In real life if someone is reading Charles Dickens and wants to know why society was like that, they'll read some history. Unfortunately schools do it backwards: giving kids the tools before they have the reasons or desire to use them, e.g., making them study Victorian England in case they want to understand Charles Dickens better. And because the tools are so dull when taken out of context, kids often turn away from the things the tools are good for.

Unfortunately there isn't a short cut from believing learning needs to look like school to believing that learning by doing is enough. And some people understand it's enough but still harbor feelings that it isn't enough. (The messages we pick up from society are pretty insidious and their roots go deep!) Read about the real learning unschooling kids are doing. Observe real learning in your own kid. (And take off the school glasses when you do it! ;-) Eventually you'll get it. :-)

That last one is good news for me.

Recommended Reading for Newbies

I just wanted to share a few posts with you from Laura at Wistful Wanderlust. I highly recommend reading all three of them, especially if you're relatively new to unschooling, or you've started unschooling an older child. They're a joy to read and give a really honest representation of her journey.

Unschooling Q&A: How Did We Get Here?
In Part One Laura talks about the paradigm shift that led her to unschooling.

Unschooling Q&A: How Did We Get Here? Part II
Part Two chronicles her journey from mainstream parent to alternative parent to unschooler.

Unschooling Q&A: How Did We Get Here? Part III
Part three delves into the bane of my existence for the first few months of unschooling, "screen time."

Enjoy!

Our First 100 Days, A Recap

I couldn't sleep. I'm starting to get anxious about our trip. Actually, I'm nervous about preparing for our trip--not the trip itself. For the last two days I've had butterflies in my stomach pretty much all the time. And they're not the good kind. I bought our plane tickets yesterday, which should make me feel better because at least now I know when we're leaving--there's not so much uncertainty now. Still, I needed Rescue Remedy before bed last night. Thank goodness for Rescue Remedy!

The real reason I got at out bed at 5:30 a.m., though, was not to give you a sob story, but to write an overview of our first 100 days. Sally at Happy@Home suggested celebrating our first 100 days of unschooling and I loved that idea but, unfortunately, the day slipped by unnoticed. That was during the week we had out of town guests and I was pretty sick.

So, here's a recap our first 100 days of unschooling--where we've come from and where we are now:

The Beginning
In the beginning, before we started unschooling or even homeschooling, I knew unschooling was not right for us. It seemed way to haphazard. I remember reading about unschoolers putting books and magazines on their coffee table just hoping they would generate some interest from their kids and thinking, "I could never do that." I couldn't trust that learning would happen if it wasn't somehow forced.

The Decision to Homeschool
After five years of Waldorf school we decided to homeschool again (we'd done it for kindergarten) and I started making plans. Oh how I love making plans! I researched curricula and books. I scoured the internet for unit studies. I shopped. I set up our "school" room. I printed up weekly schedules on the computer. I spent way too much money, that's for sure. But it was really fun. I was excited.

Then we started "school." Day one was fun, we went on a field trip to the Science Center, but by day three we weren't speaking to each other. This wasn't part of my plan.

The Decision to Unschool
In desperation, I turned to unschooling. Unschoolers claimed that their kids learned willingly, without arguments and ordeals. That sounded pretty good to me. Here's what I wrote at the time:

So, I found myself at the edge of a cliff. Behind me, on solid ground, was traditional homeschooling. Among the landscape that made up this method were math worksheets, book reports, and english lessons. There were also arguments, tears and frustration. In front of me, deep within the chasm just beyond my big toe, lay the world of unschooling. It was vast and dark and downright terrifying. But my instincts told me to jump.

I did.

Unschooling 101
It was rough going at first. This post, and this one, describe what happened once I made the decision. But, I'll go ahead and summarize here:
1. I started losing sleep, convinced that my decision would not only ruin my son's chances for a good future but bring about his death. (I know. I have no defense. I'm ridiculous.)
2. I learned about deschooling.
3. I joined the Unschooling Basics Yahoo! Group and discovered that unschooling is not just a form of education--it's a whole new way of parenting that involves taking children seriously. Seriously. That means taking their interests seriously too--like their interest in video games. That was a tough one for me.
4. I told my husband. He was willing to trust me but he was not exactly eager to jump off the cliff with me. He sort of laid down near the edge and watched with one eye.
5. I joined an Independent Study Program because the woman that runs it said she unschooled her kids and I felt like I could use some support.
6. My Grandma bought Jerry his own laptop.

So, like I said, in the beginning things were rough. This graph says it all.

There were times when I tried some "teaching" (even though we were supposed to be deschooling) to appease my husband. It always ended badly. Eventually we hit our stride. But not until I gave up on trying to impose restrictions on Jerry's video game and television time and truly allowed him to make his own choices. Here's something I wrote from that period:

We'll see. That's my mantra. We'll see. I've diverged so far from the Waldorf path we'd been on before that I'm beginning to get a little worried. But...we'll see. I'm trying to have an open mind. I'm questioning my beliefs and trying to find answers that are all my own. Heck, I even checked out a book called Don't Bother Me Mom--I'm Learning, about how computer and video games prepare children for success. I never would have even entertained this thought two months ago. Of course, I'm balancing that book out with another one called Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men, which makes the opposite argument. We'll see....

I had lots of angst-filled days (and nights) trying to wrap my head around this new philosophy, but I always made my way back to feeling it was right--eventually. Here's an excerpt from a post that started out full of doubts and ended with certainty:

When we choose to unschool we grant credence to our children's philiosphies and values as well as our own. What a gift! If our kids never learn that the philosophies we live and work by must always come from other people, won't they be more likely to live lives that are consistent with their own beliefs? And aren't we happiest when the way we live is an extension of the things we believe?

The Honeymoon Phase
We entered our Honeymoon Phase in mid-November, after many ups and downs. Here's an example of a perfect day. They're not all like this, of course, but in this post I translated our activities into "school speak" for my husband's benefit. It shows how learning can happen even when you're not "Teaching."

100 Days and Counting
Where are we now that we've passed the 100 day mark? We're still in our Honeymoon Phase but the holidays have taken some of the focus off of our unschooling adventure, which is good, I think. It feels more like we're just living our lives--following our bliss, so to speak. We're not doing anything that looks like traditional learning and I'm finally okay with that. They say deschooling takes a month for every year your child was in school--and much longer for parents--so Jerry should be nearing the end. I honestly don't know how I'll be able to tell when he's left deschooling for unschooling. I imagine the transition will be almost invisible. For me, I think it took most of those first 100 days just to get rid of the notion that learning looks a certain way and to stop worrying about what people will think.

I still cringe when Jerry tells people he does nothing but play video games all day. But thankfully there are wonderful people who comment on my blog and talk me down from my hysteria. They remind me that kids usual response to "What did you do in school today?" is "Nothing." And they also remind me that whether it's true or not (sometimes it is but most often it's not) other people's opinions are just that--and they don't really matter.

There's still a lot that I don't know. But, after 100 days of unschooling, here are some things I know:

1. Jerry has never been happier.
2. My relationship with Jerry has never been better.
3. Jerry and his dad are getting along better than ever.
4. Video games are not evil.
5. The golden rule applies to our children. If we treat them as we wish to be treated, they blossom.
6. Jerry may not learn the exact same things as school kids--but he'll learn (is learning) about what interests him, and he'll remember it because it matters to him.
7. Pursuing my own learning is, naturally, one of the best things I can do for myself. But it's also great for Jerry. He gets wrapped up in my excitement and ends up learning with me.
8. The whole world is our classroom and everyone in it is a potential teacher. This knowledge has opened up countless learning opportunities for us because we're much more willing to ask questions and start conversations.
Okay, I had the list finished and the post published but now I keep thinking of things to add to this list. Here are a few more:
9. Saying "Yes!" more is an great way to ease into unschooling and it doesn't require a complete overhaul of your lifestyle. Besides that, it's just a good policy. Say yes to as much as possible!
10. Unschooling is 99.9% about trust. You have to trust that your child wil learn and you have to trust that learning can happen organically.
(I'll probably make more additions as they come to me!)

So, there you have it. Our first 100 days in a nutshell. Here's to another hundred! And another...and another...and another...

Week With No Classes/Making Friends

Jerry's solution to the Not-Wanting-To-Go-To-Classes dilemma was to take a week off of all classes. So we dropped all classes for last week and yesterday Jerry said he'd like to keep it that way--except for drawing. He still wants to continue drawing.

One of the reasons I had signed him up for all those classes in the beginning (granted this was before "Unschooling" became a part of my vocabulary) was so he could meet other kids. I really worry about him making friends. The drawing class is taught at our house by a tutor so there are no other kids. We go to homeschool park day every other week and book club once a month, but that doesn't give him much of a chance to get to know anyone too well--it takes him a while to warm up to people. He likes one boy in particular from park day, but it's been hard to set up play dates for the two of them because the boy's family is really busy. So with no classes, save drawing, it's going to be hard for him to make friends with other homeschooled kids and he's not really interested in maintaining his friendship with the one good friend he had in school.

Thankfully he's still got his one very best friend. But I do wish he had more...

Angst Free Deschooling

Just kidding. I don't think it's possible to be completely free of angst as a parent--let alone when you're deschooling. But, thanks to the many helpful comments I've received over the last few days, I think I can provide a pretty good list of things to remember when angst starts creeping up on you.

1. Breathe. (Thanks Caren!)

2. Remember: This too shall pass. (Thanks Holly!)

3. A bit of mental "jet lag" or a bereavement period after leaving school is to be expected. Don't panic. Allow your child to wade through this period at his or her own pace. We all need to learn how to navigate our way out of the doldrums. (Thanks Lynn, Suze, & Heather!)

4. Look at the big picture. Your child may be having a hard time today, but are things worse than when he or she was at school? Probably not.(Thanks Lynn!)

5. Instead of fretting over your child's state of mind offer support. Bake yummy treats, snuggle up together, create fun activities. If your child doesn't take the bait see numbers 1 and 2. (Thanks Jessica, JJ, & Terri!)

6. Is your child an adolescent? A lot of what he or she is going through could have more to do with hormones than unschooling. See numbers 1 and 2. (Thanks Sheri!)

There you have it. The Almost Angst Free Deschooling List, courtesy of the fabulous people who read and comment on this blog. Thanks to everyone for your suggestions. Ha! I just thought of a number 7--this is my own suggestion:

7. Start a blog. Then you, too, will have fabulous people reading and commenting on YOUR blog! Be sure to let me know when you do. I may not have much wisdom to offer yet but I can commiserate with you--and trust me, that's worth a lot!

A Recipe For Angst

Okay, I know I don't usually post more than once a day but I'm having an angsty moment.

Yesterday Jerry and I talked about why he hasn't been wanting to go to classes at the last minute lately and he said he's been feeling down for the past month or so. He started crying and saying he doesn't have any friends. He does have one great friend but the truth is he doesn't really have many others. That's ingredient number one. A sad boy.

The second ingredient is culled from hours of sitting on the couch staring at the television refusing invitations of outdoor (or even indoor) activity. I've been letting him watch television as much as he wants to. He's kind of shifted from video games to TV and I've been figuring this is just a natural progression. He's had enough video games and now he's moving on to TV, when that's done he'll find something else. But now that I know he's been feeling down I can't help thinking that the fact that I'm allowing him to watch TV all day isn't doing much for his self-esteem or his physical being. He's comfortable on the couch but I'm aware that sometimes sitting in front of the TV for days on end can make a person feel lethargic and kind of crappy. Should I really be letting him make this choice?

Ingredient number three is the eaiest to find. Doubt. I'm doubting myself especially after reading this from Pam Sorooshian:

In a way, how much tv [our kids] watch is an indicator for unschooling parents as to how well we're doing in creating a rich and stimulating environment.

Don't carry this too far—there are lots of times when watching tv IS an important part of that rich and stimulating environment, but what I mean is that if we noticed one of our children watching tv in a "glued to the tube" zombie-like mode, for hours and hours, day after day, we'd respond by examining our unschooling lives, not with the knee-jerk response of: "This is too much tv and this kid needs to have limits set for him/her."

I'm not creating a rich and stimulant environment!!!!! And if I am I'm not doing a very good job of getting Jerry to engage in it!

Okay, deep breath. In......Out..... I'm calmer now. I know we're deschooling and he should be allowed to decompress and deschool as he sees fit. But how do I know when deschooling is over? How do I tell the difference between a desire to sit on the couch all day that's a precursor to depression and one that's just decompressing?

So there you have my recipe for angst soup--actually, this is just one of many. It's bubbling up in a huge pot on my stove right now and I'd be more than happy to chuck the whole thing out the window if I could just figure out how to lift it.

Coming Over To The Dark Side (Or, I Heart Video Games)

I'm almost finished reading Don't Bother Me Mom--I'm Learning by Marc Prensky. After reading that book I've done a complete 180 in terms of my feelings about video and computer games. I'm so glad I made the effort to read it. A year ago I wouldn't even have entertained the idea that playing video games might be a worthwhile endeavor, let alone waste my time reading a book by some nut job claiming they were educational. I would have assumed he'd been hired by the video game industry and viewed it as pure propaganda without ever bothering to read the dust jacket. Well, I'm singing a different tune today!

Marc Prensky's book is level-headed, sincere, informative, and, most importantly, convincing. It's all about bridging the gap between 21st century kids and their antiquated parents. I'm more excited about technology now than I've ever been before. I even bought my first Nintendo DS game--in fact, I was very grateful to Jerry for letting me use his DS for most of the weekend while I was sick in bed. It was an excellent way to pass the time. Okay, so the game I bought and played was a New York Times crossword puzzle game--but still, I was gaming! Woo hoo!

Naturally, now that I'm all comfy with Jerry's video game and computer use he's been spending most of his time on the couch watching television. I'm constantly amazed at how children are able to perceive the precise moment when their parents accept a new activity or behavior and start pushing the envelope just a little further, or in another direction altogether. It forces us, as parents, to continually evaluate and adapt. It's a good thing though--keeps us on our toes. There's no room for boredom or complacency, that's for sure.

On another note, I received a nice surprise today! JJ from Cocking a Snook! nominated me for Alasandra's Homeschool Blog Award! Thanks JJ! That was so nice of you. :)

Honeymoon Phase

We're back from Sacramento, where we were visiting family for Thanksgiving. We had a really nice time but all three of us ended up getting sick. Jerry had a bad cold, I ended up with bronchitis and now Warren is laid up in bed with a sore throat! So...I won't be writing much.

I really just wanted to tell you how pleasant life is now that I am accepting Jerry's interests instead of fighting against them. It's amazing how that one little switch in thinking has made such a difference. I hadn't realized before how much of the parenting angst I've felt since Jerry was born was a result of all the "shoulds" that were floating around in my subconscious (and conscious) mind. As these notions float away, I find I'm left with nothing but the notion of living a joyful life.

I think unschooling and I have entered our honeymoon phase. Getting to know each other wasn't easy, but I'm feeling all giddy about our relationship now. The only drawback is that I can't help wondering what happens when the honeymoon ends. I mean, all honeymoons end eventually, right? But, unschooling (to me, at this point, anyway) really does seem like a never-ending honeymoon. I mean, if it's all about following your passion and living joyfully how could it ever get old?

The Happiness Question

Today I was thinking about how my own happiness, lately, kind of hinges on whether or not I like Jerry's chosen activities. Not completely, I mean, I'm not getting freaked out about video games or computer use anymore and I'm finding lots of joy in my own activities and interests now that I'm giving Jerry more freedom to make his own choices. But I had the realization today that I feel better when Jerry chooses to do something that pleases me.

For example, we're reading the Edith Grossman translation of Don Quixote right now as our bedtime story. It was Jerry's choice. I had read him the windmill scene a few years ago and he said he wanted to read the whole book together. This makes me very happy. Why? Because it's a classic. Because it's not your typical kid lit. And because it sounds good. When someone asks what we're doing for homeschooling I can ramble off a few highlights (like the cool science projects or the volcano research) and then throw in "Oh, and we're reading Don Quixote." I can't help it. I get a thrill out of it, but I'm thinking it would be better if I didn't.

I mean, is it really safe to let another person's choice of how he spends his time determine whether or not I'm happy on a particular day? I'm thinking no. But I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to remove myself completely (emotionally, I mean) from Jerry's choices. Somehow, I don't think so. And would I want to? Do I need to? Is there a certain emotional distance involved in not judging how another person spends his time? I don't know.

What do you think?

Rule Two

I narrowly avoided causing another "incident" on Friday. Yes, it could have been the "chess incident" all over again but, I'm happy to say, sometimes I do learn from my mistakes.

Jerry had said he wanted to take a survival class through our homeschool group, so we signed up for two classes, the first of which took place last Friday. I was really looking forward to this class. We were going to learn about edible plants in the wilderness and I thought it would be really cool. Jerry had had a stomach flu the previous day but seemed fine that morning so we drove to the class. Once we got there and the other students started to arrive Jerry leaned on me and said he was sorry but he didn't feel good and he wanted to go home.

Now, I was helped out by the fact that he'd been sick the day before. If he'd been well I might have fallen into the old habit of insisting we stay because, after all, I drove all that way and I paid for it. But since Jerry had been sick I really had to consider his feelings seriously.

I took some deep breaths (being especially conscious not to turn them into heavy sighs) then told the woman who had organized the class that Jerry wasn't feeling well and we were going to leave but we'd see her at the next class. We got into the car and drove toward home.

So far so good, right? Well, what I should have done was just say "I understand" and drop it. But, I'm a beginner. I had to talk. "Blah, blah, blah blah. You know, if you want to make friends you need to put yourself out there. Blah, blah. You've got to talk to people. Blah. These classes are such a great way to make new friends but if you never want to stay.....". You get the picture.

Even as I was speaking I knew I should shut up. Eventually I did (I came to my senses after just a few minutes.) and asked if he'd like to stop for a bagel. So, we went to the bagel place where we used to go when he was in kindergarten and before we walked in the door Jerry hugged me and said "I love you, Mom. I know you really wanted to take that class and I'm sorry. But thanks for leaving."

Isn't that sweet? It made me think back to "Chess Incident" (you can read it for an example of one of my less than stellar parenting days). I was really struck by the different outcomes of the two similar situations. The chess incident started out much the same way the survival class did: I signed him up, paid for the class, drove 30 miles to get him there and then he told me he was too tired for chess and wanted to leave. But it ended with anger, hurt feelings, sadness, and the literal shoveling of shit--I sent him out back to pick up dog poop when we got home. (So sad! I feel really bad about that now.)

This time, though, I told myself that his needs were real. I knew I could sign up for an edible plant class some other time. It was not a big deal to leave. What was more important was to show Jerry that I took his needs seriously. So I did. I wasn't perfect (I had to talk!). But I didn't get mad. Instead of ending the scene with two people feeling awful, we ended up sharing a bagel and drinks, having a nice conversation, and appreciating each other's company. What a difference!

But wait! There's more! Learning this lesson has helped in other ways, too. I signed up to take a circus class with the homeschoolers because I thought Jerry would really like it, but he didn't want to join. He just wanted to watch to see if he would like the class. So, I took the class on my own. Now, Jerry had said he'd watch the class, but instead he played in another room with one of the other kids. I wondered if I should suggest that he stop playing and come watch (the whole point of me taking it was so he would join in eventually) but I didn't. The next week he didn't even feel like watching so I went to the class without him--no fuss or fight. I just said okay and I really was okay with it. (I love that class and there was no way I was going to miss it!) Now this week he says he wants to join! Yippee!

So, after two months I have finally discovered my second rule of unschooling. I'll write it out in caps again like I did the first rule:

HONOR YOUR CHILD'S FEELINGS.

Good things happen when you do.

A Day At The Beach

Today Jerry, his best friend Jackson, and I went to Santa Monica. We walked around the pier for a while, then built an awesome sand castle on the beach. Here's a run down on what we did, and what we learned in the process.

The day started at home with Jerry and I at the kitchen table. Jerry played a tetris-like game called Snood on his computer for about an hour and a half while I worked on my blog. As I was searching online for some information about the educational value of Snood I stumbled upon a site called Computing With Kids which had this great article about the game. Here's a brief excerpt:

"Snood is an amazing game, not because of its complexity, but rather its simplicity," said Reginann Rohlfs, a sixth-grade teacher at Forest Edge Elementary School in Fairfax, Va. Rohlfs uses Snood in her classroom because it teaches "logic, geometry and strategy."

So, let me rephrase my earlier description of what we did this morning. I worked on my blog while Jerry studied logic, geometry and strategy. Oh, and the same article said that this game is huge at Princeton and that they've held Snood tournaments on campus. So I think it's fair to say he was preparing for college, too. Hee! Hee!

Then we went to pick up Jackson and stopped at Game Stop so Jerry could buy a used wireless adapter for his friend Anthony so they can play Pokemon together. He learned about giving and smart consumerism.

At the beach we checked out the rides (just looked) and the arcade (again, just looked--they didn't have the game the boys were looking for) then we walked to the end of the pier. The boys watched an artist create a small oil painting of the pier, which Jerry purchased. They learned art and a little Spanish. They had another art lesson from a cartoonist later in the day. At the end of the pier we looked at old photos of the area. (History.)

As we walked, we talked about the Galapagos Islands and how the animals aren't afraid of people there. We laughed about the Blue Footed Booby and vowed to find photos of one online when we got home. (Geography. Biology. Evolution. History.)

We ate a snack. Then we walked down the stairs toward the sand.
It was Veteran's Day and there was a memorial to the soldiers killed in Iraq just north of the pier on the sand. There were crosses representing the dead soldiers, many with handwritten names, and flowers attached to them. We saw photographs of the American soldiers who had died and talked about how each dead soldier meant a family had lost someone they loved. We talked about war and good and evil and if evil is necessary in the world in order to have good. (History. Philosophy. Current Events. International Relations. Social Studies.)

Then we built a sandcastle.

(Architecture. Geology. Joyful Living.)

The Doubting Dad

I ended my last post by asking for suggestions on how to handle a partner who's not exactly on board the unschooling bus, so to speak. I wanted to know how to balance my husband's need to see some Learning going on, with my desire to unschool our son. This topic is so important I figure it deserves its very own post. That way all the helpful suggestions I've been getting won't get passed over.

You can read the complete comments on my last post, but I'm going to paraphrase some of them for you here:

Heather from Embracing the Strange suggested I read Building an Unschooling Nest and Doing Two Things at Once on Sandra Dodd's site. She also recommended I take a look at Deschooling Caleb, a blog written by a mom whose son is about Jerry's age. Among other things, Heather also suggested delving into my own interests and sharing them with Jerry, and getting out of the house more. Oh, and she wondered if I had fully explained the deschooling process to my husband. (He says I have but I think I need to try again.)

Sheri from Matter of Faith suggested that I ease up on myself and allow my husband to take on the subjects that he's most concerned about.

Tara at Heartschooling thought I was on the right track by respecting all parties and trying to find ways to meet everyone's needs. She suggested keeping a log of what we do throughout the day and listing the educational value of each activity.

Nance Confer from Cocking a Snook recommended my husband check out these blogs written by a couple homeschooling dads:
HE&OS and O'Donnell Web. She also suggested the Homeschooling for Dads page on the National Home Education Network site. I found this comment, also from Nance, to be especially helpful:

"And, I hope this doesn't sound mean, but has Warren tried just hanging out and talking with your son. Not in a quizzing, annoying way. But in a nice, friendly, "getting to know you and not measuring you against any arbitrary standard and dang, but aren't you a terrific kid" kind of way.

And then he'd need to do that again. And again. And not demand to see some worksheet or test score or a book that was sufficiently "educational." But just keep on doing that and keep on really trying to appreciate your son.

And then one day, it will all click. He will walk into the kitchen where you are preparing dinner and trying not to listen and he will say, "You know, that boy is really smart. He just told me all about XYZ. And he had some good ideas about ABC. And he's funny!" Or whatever your son is.

And you will smile and agree because, by then, you will already have had the many chances during the day that Dads sometimes miss to see how terrific your son is.

And the more you can continue to deschool -- meaning lay off the school work (even if you think it doesn't look schooly, obviously your son knows what's up) -- the sooner all of this can start happening."

So, it seems like Warren and I need to take some time to talk about unschooling and deschooling. We need to have some philosophical discussions about school and learning and our own educational philosophies. I have a feeling this may take more than a couple conversations! In the meantime we'll both take Nance's advice to hang out with Jerry without placing judgments on how he chooses to spend his time. That should be a good place to start.

A Slippery Slope

I'm beginning to notice a pattern here. The day after I publish a post in which I write about how things are going great, how I'm really getting the hang of this unschooling thing, how I'm cruising along giddily close to "euphoria," I end up back at "crap." Thankfully the crap episodes seem to be getting shorter as I catch myself behaving schoolishly, or unreasonably, or being a control freak, or all of the above, faster and faster each time.

Yesterday I decided to have a talk with Jerry. That probably should have sent up a red flag--my "talks" rarely have positive results. But I was determined to discuss tactics for making his dad feel better about our schooling. In other words, his dad would like to see more Learning going on and I wanted to talk about how we might make some happen. So, I asked Jerry what he'd like to learn about.

Jerry was not particularly interested in this conversation, but he said we could try learning some Rapid Math Tricks using a book of the same name. He agreed to a few more things but in truth I don't think he was very interested in any of it. I decided (another red flag should have gone up there!) that we should start today. We tried the first lesson but I wasn't even half way through it before Jerry was sighing heavily and exhibiting the same behavior as he did on that fateful day of the "math incident"--our last day of school-at-home.

I found myself getting angry so I took a deep breath and went into the other room. I busied myself with other things until the math lesson didn't seem so important anymore. Thankfully it didn't take long.

I figure the fact that the episode was over so quickly is a sign of progress, but I do wonder how in the heck I'm supposed to balance my husband's need to see some Learning going on with my (and Jerry's) desire to unschool.

Suggestions anyone?