Jane Austen Ball

The ball was so fun! I finally feel comfortable with most of the dances so I don't look like a deer caught in the headlights when my turn comes around--at least I hope I don't! The picture is me, Angela, and David. If Angela and I want to dance with David we have to snatch him up quickly before someone else does because men are such a hot commodity at the ball. Next year we might have two men. Angela's neighbor said he would go, so that will be nice. In the beginning it was a lot easier to dance with a man because sometimes keeping the parts straight is difficult. But on Saturday night I danced with lots of female partners as well an males and I think now that I'm more familiar with the dances I can switch between the two with ease. Anyway, it was loads of fun and I highly recommend going to any Jane Austen event you can find. I have some video which I'll put up as soon as Jerry shows me how to download it.

In other news, we've worked out another house swap! Yippee! We're going to swap with a family that has a house three hours North of San Francisco, in Point Arena. It's in the Redwoods and has a view of the ocean! And we get to bring our dog! Can you tell I'm excited? We're going the second week in February and will return just in time for me to start my classes the following week.

Also, I've started on a new healthier eating regime. And it's not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I'm eating almost no diary, no white flour, very little wheat and tons of fruits, vegetables, legumes and quinoa. That's about it. Plus, I've been scouring the NYTimes site for recipes from Mark Bittman (the Minimalist) because he makes everything sound so easy. And that's what I need--easy. I just finished his book, Food Matters: A Guide to Conscious Eating and I loved it. I also got his How to Cook Everything Vegetarian from the library and it's fabulous as well. I think I'll have to buy that one (used, though because I'm not buying new this year!).

Jerry is staying up until 4am or later these days and I do wish he'd go to bed a little earlier. It's very annoying to be a radical unschooler because if you're not going to set arbitrary limits (like bedtimes, in many cases) you need a very good reason to request that your child change his or her habits. And then if he or she doesn't really want to follow your suggestion there isn't much you can do because you can't just suddenly start being all authoritarian. It doesn't sit right. But Jerry looked a little like a zombie yesterday (there were no zombies at the ball, by the way--I thought there might be.) and I'm thinking he really does need to be in bed by 2. That way he can sleep until 12 (with the dog walking job he needs to be up by 12:30 at the latest) and still get a solid ten hours (which is his usual amount).

Anyway, I'm thinking of setting an alarm for myself so I can remind him to come to bed around 2. He's more likely to stop what he's doing if he has a gentle reminder about the time and he likes to be tucked in, so that might work. The only drawback is that I'll be looking like a zombie!

I Gave Good Advice!

Today I got a comment from someone on and older post (way back on August 28, 2008) so I went back and read what I had written all those months ago--and it was pretty darn good! I'm going to re-post it here because, you know, it's easier to cut and paste than it is to think up something new. And besides that, my "creative organizing" (i.e., slovenly ways) have gotten the better of me and I can't find the stupid piece of paper I need in order to register for my college classes, so I'm going to have to spend the day combing through every single, stupid, bloody piece of paper in my entire house. Ugh! A messy desk may be the sign of a creative mind, but I'm thinking a dash of order might come in handy now and then.

Anyway, on to better things....

Advice for the New Unschooler

We're coming up on our first homeschooling anniversary. And three days after that will be our first unschooling anniversary. Yes, we lasted a full three days in school at home mode before both Jerry and I were in separate rooms crying and I tossed my hands in the air (onto the computer keyboard, actually) and googled "unschooling."

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I would say to myself if I could travel back in time and give my new unschooler self a few words of advice from my not-so-new unschooler self.

The very first thing I would say is that she should throw the whole one month for every year in school thing out the window. You've heard that right? "It takes one month for every year a kid spends in school to rediscover his love of learning." Here's the thing about that: first of all, as the parent that puts you in a bit of a holding pattern. You're waiting for something to happen. You're looking for "learning" all the time. You can't wait for x number of months (it was five for us) to be over so the real unschooling can begin. But here's the thing about that: It's already begun. The unschooling started the day your child walked out of the classroom for good. It's going to look different as time passes and in the beginning it'll throw you off because either you might not see the value in what they're doing or it won't look anything like learning. But relax. Someday it will.

In fact, that's something else I'd tell my new unschooler self: Drop the word "learning" from your vocabulary. It might be different for other kids but my son came out of school with very strong feelings about learning--none of them good. So even when I insisted he was learning by sitting around playing video games and watching TV all day (even though I didn't have much faith in that at the time), I was still putting emphasis on something he didn't value. Now, I know Jerry does value learning. But when he is learning about something he enjoys (using Microsoft Paint to create new Pokemon, for example--that's what he's been up to lately) he doesn't consider it learning. To Jerry, learning is being forced to remember or do something that isn't interesting to him or has no relation to his life. To me, it's gathering information and creating a deeper understanding of the world we inhabit. But since our definitions are so different why not just lose the word altogether?

So what should my new unschooler self be doing while she's not talking about learning or looking for it in her son? Follow her bliss! This is one of the things I like best about homeschooling (and unschooling in particular because it seems to allow more time for this kind of thing). Have you always wished you'd paid attention in physics class? Get yourself a book and start reading about it. And when you get excited about something share it with your child. Don't share it in an "I want you to know this" way. Share in a "look what I just discovered--isn't it awesome!" way. Excitement is contagious. And though your child may never become excited about electrons moving from one atom to another or the second law of thermodynamics, he'll see that you're excited about learning (even though you won't call it that!) and that right there is a very important lesson!

Now, on to the big bad television and video games: In the last few months I've realized what a huge mistake it was to express my distaste for video games so loudly. Children are already bombarded with images of kids who like to play video games as losers. Compare this to kids who are obsessed with sports. How do we view those kids? We support their interest. We sign them up for team sports and encourage them to improve. But with video games we're just hoping they'll lose interest. So what message are we sending? Are we saying gamers really are losers? I think we might be. So I would tell my new unschooler self, right from the very beginning, to stop separating video game/computer time from other play time. In other words, try not to think of it as something "other" or bad.

I know this is really hard. My son was in a Waldorf school before we started this journey so we had serious restrictions on video game and computer use. We didn't ban them completely but they were not an option during the school week and on weekends he was only allowed a few hours of "screen time." But since the unschooling philosophy requires a parent to take her child's interests seriously, once we started unschooling I couldn't continue to look at Jerry's interest in video games as something that was worthless. By virtue of the fact that my son was interested in spending his time in front of the screen, the screen had worth.

For months I struggled with this. I was extremely uncomfortable with the amount of time he was spending in front of the tv, at the computer, or playing video games. I'm still not comfortable with the idea of spending all day in front of a screen but I keep my mouth shut--it's been a year now and he does it less and less. He finds interest in other things, seeks out my company and asks to play board games or draw or do things that I couldn't get him interested in when we began.

So I would also ask my new unschooler self--no, wait, I would insist--that she carefully consider the message she is sending to her child when she places negative judgments on the things that are near and dear to his heart.

I think that's it for now. I'm sure I'll come up with other ideas. In fact, if anyone else wants to put a similar post up at their own blog, I'd be happy to put a link to it here. I figure the new unschoolers need all the help and encouragement they can get. It's a rough few months when you're first starting out, questioning everything you ever believed about learning and parenting and trying to wrap your head around a style of learning that looks suspiciously like doing nothing. But once you make that paradigm shift "doing nothing" suddenly becomes "living joyfully" and things start to fall into place.

-written by me, on August 28, 2008

Less than thirty minutes later: I found it! I found the paper I needed after only 20 minutes of looking. It was in Jerry's desk of all places! I never would have looked in there except that Jerry's desk is now my desk, so I started cleaning it out and there it was! I can register for my classes now. Yippee!

Proud Mama

It's been a while. I know. So, here I am – playing catch up once again. I have to warn you, there will be bragging involved. I'm feeling so proud of Jerry today. Not for anything in particular. I'm just proud because he is who he is. And because he knows himself so well. He has such maturity when it comes to understanding his feelings and expressing himself – it just blows me away.

See, Warren is officially unemployed now, which means he's home. Watching Jerry. And being a bit, uh, judgmental about how he spends his time. At least that's how it started out. A few nights ago there was yelling (by Jerry), arms were thrown up in annoyance and despair (by Warren) and the word "school" and the phrase "turn off the TV for good" were heard during a private conversation between Warren and I. Needless to say, I was a bit worried at how the rest of Warren's unemployment would effect our unschooling.

See, Warren totally gets the educational side of unschooling. It's the lifestyle part that throws him for a loop. Specifically, he doesn't want Jerry staying up until 3:30 a.m. and he doesn't want him spending all day on the couch in front of the television (computer on lap, DS in hand). And I totally get that. But, as we learned when I kept track of how we spend our days (Jerry and I) he doesn't sit on the couch all day. In fact, he takes part in a wide variety of activities. Sure, some weeks are less active than others, but, in general, the television watching happens late in the day and well into the night (and early hours of the morning) when there's not much else to do anyway. So yes, there's a lot of TV. And, no. It's not "educational." It's not even Mythbusters. He's watching the Disney Channel.

But he's watching with an eye toward figuring out relationships. I realized it last night during another one of our 1 a.m. discussions. He was asking me about boys I liked when I was his age and how old I was when I had my first boyfriend (Newsflash: Jerry's best friend, Jackson, has a girlfriend!!) and he started to mention all these things he'd learned on the cartoon Sixteen. They were all about relationships. And they were true. (Rule #1: Never break up by text message.) Anyway, it was pretty amazing to see that he really does get more than we guess out of the shows he watches.

One thing I love about our late night talks is that Jerry asks me all kinds of questions and he wonders aloud about things. "I wonder what it would feel like to have both arms and wings," he said late last night. He was trying to figure out the mechanics of it all. How would the wings extend? Where would they be when they rested? What would make them unfold?

The other day – a day or two after Warren and Jerry had their argument – Jerry called a family meeting. He wanted to talk about how he and Warren could get along better. He was amazing. So mature and well-spoken. They both said how they felt and talked about ways they could show respect and kindness to one another. Then they had a pillow fight.

I could go on, but it would probably get very boring. Lucky for you, Jerry's doing a Pokemon ROM hack and he needs my help. So I'm off.

P.S. Guess who's learning the binary and hexidecimal number systems? That's right! Me! More on the mind-blowing conversion from decimal to binary later....

Enough

You know what's funny? Whenever I start to worry about Jerry (and I've probably said this before because it keeps happening) and how he spends his time, the very next day he does something completely different. I don't know why it always surprises me. And you know what else? I was getting all worried about "am I doing enough?" and all, but I also had a migraine so I wasn't feeling too good. And I think that had a lot to do with my worry--not that I don't worry when I'm feeling well. But now that I think about it, I really don't worry that much anymore. I'm bordering on being one very confident unschooling parent. Wow. How did that happen? With all my angst and worry in the beginning it felt like I'd never get to this place. I guess part of what's happened is that since I've stopped voicing my concerns to Jerry I find that he tends to take care of those concerns on his own. It's not always exactly the way I wish he would do it--but then he's not me. So he has his own way of doing things.

One thing that had been happening the last few months was that Jerry was staying up until about 2 a.m. and getting up around 11. I didn't say anything about it. But when he had a few bad days I suggested that coming to bed when Warren and I go to bed (around 11 or 12) might help. I did a little cajoling but not much. Besides, since he was staying up later than me, we couldn't read together and we've always liked to read aloud before bed. So I suggested starting a new book. He went for it and for a few weeks was going to bed at the same time as his dad and me (but sleeping much later) and then a couple nights ago he was up until 2 again. And last night he told me that he doesn't feel good when he stays up that late. It makes him feel negative and grouchy (I'm paraphrasing but that was the gist). So he came to the conclusion himself. Which is the whole point of radical unschooling, really.

Anyway, I know I'm not being very clear or concise. I just wanted to get that out of my head and into the blogosphere but I don't have time to write a really great post about it. I have to pick up Warren's car at the mechanics, we need to get to Jerry's dog walking job, and then we're going to see Astro Boy with one of the girls from the Santa Monica unschooler park day and her mom and then we're going to park day, and then we have the long traffic-jammed ride home from Santa Monica, which I'm actually looking forward to because we'll be listening to Leviathan the whole way!

Can someone just smack me next time I say we don't do enough?

Unschooling=Kindness

Pam Sorooshian wrote something on the Good Vibrations Yahoo! Group that I wanted to share with you. I hope she doesn't mind.

I wanted to comment on something I said in both my talks, I think. I said that unschooling could, maybe, be boiled down to just "Be Nice!" But I got distracted and didn't elaborate on that and now I'm afraid it will come across in a way I did not intend. "Be Nice" is a thing parents often say to their kids - and they mean things like, "You have to share with your sister," or "Don't be so demanding," etc. I realized that, for some, "Be Nice," has some baggage.

I did not mean "Be Nice" like that - not in the same way children are commanded to "Be nice!" That isn't from the heart - that isn't actually "nice," but, anyway, I meant that we should think about whether we are treating our children kindly - are we being generous and caring and supportive and friendly and warm and sympathetic and considerate. So - I'd like to change what I said to, "Be Kind," instead of "Be Nice." Everybody, if you listen to the recording - please make that change, in your head, when you come to that part!

I saw a LOT of kindness at the conference - it was everywhere I looked. To me, after unschooling is talked about and talked about and talked about, it really finally does boil down to how we treat each other. It isn't kind to try to force another person to eat or sleep. It isn't kind to manipulate other people into doing what we want them to do - even for their own good. It IS kind to consider what they might like and to offer it to them. It is kind to be honest. It is kind to be helpful and it is kind to protect our children and keep them safe. It is kind to give them what Roya called, "perceived freedom," meaning that they don't feel constrained or restricted, even though we are right there, nearby, always clearing the way for them, removing obstacles, and helping them move in a positive direction.

So - guess I still can't stop talking -- even after going over an hour overtime at the conference, huh?

Anyway - I was reveling in all the kindness - all the wonderful parenting that I was surrounded by at the conference. It is so great to experience what it would be like if all parents were being kind to their children. WHAT a world this would be!

-Pam Sorooshian

I'd like to end with that wonderful vision of a world full of parents giving their children nothing but kindness--I can't, though, because I have to share my awesome technique for making hotel room quesadillas when you have no hot plate, electric griddle, or microwave.

See, Jerry eats the same thing for dinner every night (and has for the last four or five years). Black beans, white rice and a quesadilla (and broccoli if we have it and I get my act together to make it). So whenever we go to a conference I bring a rice cooker, an electric griddle, and hope for a microwave. Problem is, the griddle belongs to my mom, so it lives in Sacramento. The three conferences I've been to up until last week had all required a stop over in Sacramento where I'd drop off the dog and pick up the griddle. But this time we were out of luck until I realized that hotel rooms have irons! So I bought some heavy duty aluminum foil, sandwiched the tortillas and cheese between two pieces of aluminum and ironed away! Presto! One perfectly good quesadilla. I thought I was so clever until Molly told me that someone at an HSC conference had made grilled cheese the same way. Actually, I still think I'm pretty clever. But I guess there might be a few more clever people out there. At least one anyway...

Warning: Whining Ahead

Sorry. It's just that I'm feeling all "bad mom" today. I think it's because of the conference. I enjoyed it. I really did. But now I feel like I haven't been doing enough for Jerry. It's soooo haaaaarrrrrd. He really is so difficult to motivate. I know we do stuff, but the things we do take up a very small portion of the week. He seriously spends most of his time on the couch with his laptop open and the television on. You always hear unschoolers say, "when I say my kid is watching television I don't mean he's watching cartoons all day." Well, Jerry is watching cartoons all day. He loves them. And I really do think he benefits from watching them. I mean, who knows? He may go into that field eventually. It's just that I wish he didn't watch quite so many of them all in a row, over and over again.

Okay, I feel better now that I got that off my chest. But I still feel like if I were doing more, or just doing the right things, he'd been more inclined to get off the couch. It's not that I'm not offering suggestions. I am. But he turns them down most of the time. And I have to be okay with that. So I have been. But it's getting old.

Today, in an effort to find some activities that are more appealing than cartoons, I've been thinking of all the things Jerry has expressed a real interest in, and trying to find ways to bring them into his life. I had already sent out some e-mails looking for a video game design/arduino/electronics/Maker-type/creative person to hang out with Jerry for a couple hours a week but I haven't found anyone yet. Today I sent an e-mail to a local silk screening shop (Jerry loves silk screening) about taking classes or maybe just visiting and also checked into going back to the clay studio Jerry used to go to for classes (he didn't sound super excited about it, but I'll ask again later). I also got him a pro membership on instructables.com so we can download instructions for cool projects. And we went to Radio Shack to buy the supplies for some LED pens he wants to make. I still feel kinda depressed about the whole thing, though.

It all started when we were at Radio Shack and I was about to pay and he said, "Oh, mom, I guess I should mention that I was really just showing you the LED pens. I wasn't saying I wanted to make them." Really? Why did he say he wanted to go buy the supplies if he didn't want to make the things!? It's not that he didn't want to make them. I know. He could just go either way, is what he was saying. But it still sent me into a bit of a funk.

Anyway, I'm complaining about TV but the truth is he hasn't been in front of the TV all day. And at the moment he and his friend Jackson are watching Castle in the Sky in Japanese (with English subtitles). And he does want to make the LED pens after all. So we'll do that later.

I'm freaking out over nothing. I know. But I feel it's only fair to let people know that even after two years you might still freak out over things. Thankfully, I've learned to do it quietly and to myself (well, and to you), rather than at Jerry.

In fact, last week I was very proud of myself. I had been reading Raising Freethinkers by Dale McGowan and decided that Jerry absolutely had to know the differences between the seven largest world religions. Immediately. So I got some books at the library and started reading up on them. I didn't say anything to Jerry, though. And then at the conference I asked Sandra Dodd what a parent should do when they get a sudden urge to "teach" something (like world religions, for example) and she said rent a couple good movies and maybe he'll want to watch them. Or learn about them myself and just drop some information in conversation and see if he's interested in hearing more. And that was good advice. But then Pam Sorooshian, who was sitting in front of me, turned around and said, "I have another idea. How old are you?" "Forty," I said. "How about if you decide you want him to know everything about world religions by the time he turns forty. You're learning about it at forty." And that, my friends, is the beauty of Pam Sorooshian. Needless to say the urge has past.

I feel much better now. I guess I just needed to vent.

I'm off to the grocery store now, to buy dinner for an 18th wedding anniversary picnic, which Warren and I will enjoy on our deck when he gets home from work. Wow. 18 years. How did we ever get so old?

Foggy With Patches Of Sun

I'm ever so slowly coming out of the fog. It's a bit too slow for my taste but apparently grief has its own time-line. Since my grandma died I've been sleeping like a rock, which is highly unusual for me, but last night I actually laid awake for a good couple hours worrying about stuff, which might seem like a bad thing (and it really sucks when it's happening--especially if there's a very loud helicopter hovering right outside your bedroom window at the same time) but it's a very normal thing for me to do. In fact, sleeping all the way through the night is downright bizarre for me. So as I was laying there fretting, I couldn't decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing. I'll admit, it felt bad. But still, it's what I do, so in some weird way it was good.

What was I fretting about? TV. Jerry's watching too much. Would I say the same thing if he were reading instead of watching TV? Yes. I would. And I don't like the way he talks about himself. He says he does nothing but watch TV all day. Calls himself a "couch potato" and makes other disparaging remarks. It really bothers me. And, honestly, I think it bothers him. He's really self-conscious about his body now that he's put on some weight. I've actually thought about asking the doctor about it because he went up about four sizes in three months, but I know the doctor will ask about his level of activity and the truth is he's just not very active. So, I know it's not very unschooly of me, but I'm really considering an experimental ban on TV during "school" hours--from about 10 to 3--to see if that changes things. I'm just thinking about it for now. I haven't said anything yet. I find it's best to think about this kind of stuff before acting on it because it almost always works itself out. But the TV thing has been going on for a while. So, I don't know. I know I need to do what's best for Jerry and not get hung up on unschooling the "right" way. And he is a kid that needs a nudge now and then. He even seems to appreciate a nudge. So, we'll see.

In the meantime here are some pictures of Charlie in his favorite pot. We've been keeping it on the floor of Jerry's play room so he can snuggle up in it without wreaking havoc in our cupboards.But then we had to get a picture of him on the stove so we moved him. Kitty stew. Yum.By the way, this is exactly the kind of picture I love to look at on other people's blogs. I love all the background stuff--it gives you a look into how we live (sadly, this picture is a fairly accurate representation). Warren always accuses me of being a Peeping Tom because I like to look into people's windows when we go for walks. It's not like I'm tip-toeing into their yards peering over the window sill, though. I don't even stop to gawk. If the curtains are open I just look in and take stock as I walk by. How is decorated? Where's the couch? What are the window coverings like? Are there toys? Is it neat? What kind of people are they? And these are the same questions I love to answer when I look at photos on people's blogs. So ask away, Sherlock. Peer into the background and deduce what you will.

Waldorf School Revisited

We went to the Elves' Faire at Jerry's old school yesterday. Yep, he went to a Waldorf school for five years before we went to "school-at-home" for a whopping three days and then, out of sheer desperation, to unschooling. I don't regret our decision a bit but can I just say that I love his old school? I don't love the playground politics or the getting there bright and early and picking him up after seven hours only to struggle with homework until well into the evening.

But, I love that campus. And I love the people. And I love the peaceful feeling I get from being there--especially now that I can go to enjoy myself and visit old friends instead of working like a dog! In the past I've been in charge of costumed characters, usually taking a turn as one of the characters (the fortune fairy) myself. This was the first time I've ever gone to the Elves' Faire strictly for enjoyment. It was great!

I swiped that picture from my friend Jim's Flickr page (without asking...). Thanks Jim!

At park day last week one of my homeschool friends was saying she tends to think of parents at the Waldorf school as of a bunch of rich people dressed in funky (but super expensive) clothes. She knows that's not the case, she said, but that's the impression the Waldorf school gives. It's not my experience of the school at all, though. Sure there were some people I'd consider rich and there were a handful that shop in places where I can't even afford to breathe the air. But for the most part they are families who really believe in the Waldorf philosophy. Still, her comment made me think about the way people view homeschoolers.

When Jerry and I were at the hostel in Marin a couple weeks ago we were talking to one of the women that was staying there and she asked about Jerry's school. As soon as we told her we homeschooled I could see the wheels turning in her mind. She was making all kinds of assumptions about us: "social misfit....over-protective mother...ultra-religious...weird." I'm always amazed at how it's possible to actually see these thoughts flow through someone's mind. It's like they're flipping through a rolodex of qualities (none of them good) we surely possess.

Anyway, back to revisiting the Waldorf school. Some of you may be wondering how we went from Waldorf to unschooling since they're on completely different ends of the control spectrum. Waldorf keeps the kids in a very controlled environment. It's an environment of peace, serenity, beauty, music, watercolors, hand-crafted toys, and stories by candle light. I love that environment. But it turns out Jerry wasn't so keen on it. While we were trying to give him the best of the "old world" childhood (minus the infectious diseases and poor hygiene) he was dying to break out into the 21st century childhood of Nintendo and Club Penguin. Granted, we never went full on Waldorf. He was allowed screen time on weekends but our opinions ruled. And our opinion was that screen time was wasted time, or worse, it was detrimental time.

You can throw a stone and hit a study that says television and video games are ruining our children. But there are a fair amount of studies (you may have to look a little harder) that show us there's nothing wrong with video games or television and, in fact, the screen time we were so wary of offers opportunities for developing qualities and skills that are very much in demand in today's world. Personally, I'm not sure any of these studies has much relevance in our lives. It's possible to find a study on just about anything that will back up your own personal feelings so I think we have to take them with a grain (or ten) of salt. Still, it makes me feel better to know that some people think video games can help rather than hinder a child's development.

In the end, though, none of that really matters because when we opted to unschool we chose to take Jerry's interests seriously. And he's seriously interested in video game and computers and television. So we did a complete 180 and (after a few failed attempts at partial control) decided to give Jerry the freedom to choose how he spends his time.

We're obviously still working on being more accepting of his choices. When I start to worry (like I was the other day) I find the best solution is to keep my mouth shut, post something about my concerns here (devour the comments), read some posts at the Unschooling Basics Yahoo! group, and talk to other unschoolers about the issue. I'm usually feeling better about things in a day or two. If I'm not feeling better, at the very least, I have a plan of action--and a plan always makes me feel better.

My current plan is this:

1. Plan more Jerry approved outings during the week. Even just going to the library gets him off the couch and out into the world so the outings don't need to be big.
   
2. Spend more time hanging out with Jerry during the day. If he's watching television I'll watch with him. If he's playing video games I'll sit beside him and read out loud. I think I just need to devote more time to him. If I'm right next to him he'll be more likely to suggest that we do something together.
   
3. Find out how I can expand on his video game/computer/television interests. I've posted a request for ideas on Unschooling Basics and I have a few ideas of my own. I think my support of these interests needs to be more active.

So that's the plan. As much as I need to respect Jerry's interests, I also need to help him make choices that will enhance his life. Hopefully more choices and more time together will mean more time spent off the couch. And more time off the couch will make Warren stop saying he thinks Jerry would be better off in school. And it'll give Jerry more energy. And it'll keep me from waking up at 3 in the morning to read Sandra Dodd and Joyce Fetterol and the unschooling e-groups. And then I'll have more energy. And then my house will be clean all the time and I'll become super organized and I might even start a daily exercise regimen and I'll lose weight and--Oh my God this is going to be GREAT!

Great Advice For Talking To Relatives

There are so many things I want to tell you about the HSC Learning Without Limits Conference but I'm going to pace myself and tell you about it a little at a time. I will tell you that I was buzzing with excitement the entire weekend. I made some new friends, learned some new things, and my feeling that unschooling is the right path for us was absolutely, 100% confirmed (again and again).

Now I'm going to share the most important nugget of wisdom I found amidst the gold mine of information at the conference. It came from Pam Sorooshian.

On the last day of the conference I cornered Pam in the hallway outside the ballroom where we'd just watched a fabulous slide show of photos from the weekend. I'd been dying to ask here one particular question and hadn't found the opportunity yet.

What I wanted to know was this: "How should I respond to my mother-in-law when she says that if Jerry doesn't have to do some things he doesn't want to do now, he'll never learn to do the things in life that none of us really want to do, but need to get done nonetheless?"

Warren's mom has mentioned her concern about this a few times and I could never really answer her because I guess a small part of me wondered the same thing. I suspected that, just like the rest of us, he would do some things he didn't really want to do because he'd have a conflicting need that would trump his desire to avoid the unappealing chore. For example, even though I hate washing dishes, I do wash them because I hate having dishes piled on my counter even more than I hate washing dishes. Pam confirmed that this was true.

Then she asked, "Do you really want him doing things he doesn't want to do?"

Wow. When you put it that way I guess I'd have to say no. Not at all. Pam pointed out that she has three girls and she definitely does not want her girls feeling obliged to do things they aren't comfortable with. That put a whole new twist on the question.

She suggested asking my mother-in-law, "What is your real concern?"

"Not being capable of doing things he doesn't want to do" is very general. Is she worried that he won't wash his dishes or clean his house as an adult? That one I can handle.

Or is she worried that he won't have the tenacity to reach his goals? I have to admit, I've asked myself this question, too.

Pam pointed out that most of us want our children to find meaningful work that they love so they won't have to do things they don't want to do--like go to a job they hate. Yes, they may need to, say, take a job they aren't crazy about as a stepping stone to the job of their dreams, but that's about seeing the big picture and goal setting--it's not being able to do unappealing activities.

Does Jerry see the big picture? Yes, he does. Most of the time. And when he's unable to see the whole thing Warren and I are there to fill in the gaps. Is he able to set goals? Pam said he probably does it all the time with video games. And he does. That's what video games are, right? You set a goal to beat the game and you work at each level, beating them one by one, until you've reached it. Are video game goals the only goals he's interested in at the moment? No, but video games do feature prominently in most of them. He wants to design video games and thanks to a program we discovered this weekend (more about that later!) he's well on his way. He wants to build a gaming computer and we're darn close to reaching that one (we'll start as soon as we get back home). He wants to beat all four Guitar Heroes. He does know how to reach goals but they're his own goals for himself. Not mine.

So that tidbit was one of the best things about the conference. I'll get to the rest later.

On the homecoming front, Jerry and I were supposed to be driving home today but Weird Al Yankovic is playing tonight at the State Fair so it looks like we'll be staying one more night--Jerry can't stand the thought of missing it.

I never in my life expected to find myself at a Weird Al concert. Ever.

How Much Responsibility Is Too Much?

One of the things I like about Radical Unschooling is the idea that kids learn from early on to deal with responsibility. They're given the freedom to make their own choices and have plenty of time to figure out what works and what doesn't before they leave the nest. When we started to unschool it didn't occur to me that we'd go Radical. I was thinking of it as an educational philosophy rather than a lifestyle choice. But as I learned more about the lifestyle, I began to take steps toward RU. I started saying "Yes!" more, which has included saying "Yes!" to letting Jerry have as much screen time as he wants and "Yes!" when he asks for sweets. He doesn't ask for sweets a lot but he does eat some sugar every day--which is more than he had when he was in school.

The other day Jerry surprised the heck out of me by saying, "Mom, I'm not going to eat sugar for the next three months." 

I was shocked. "Okay," I said. "Why?"

"Because," he said, "I was looking at myself in your mirror this morning and I have visibly gained weight."

Now this is true. He has a belly where he didn't have one before. I had noticed it too. I hadn't said anything to Jerry, of course, but I'd been trying to come up with a plan to get him eating fewer sweets and getting more exercise for a few weeks--without much luck.

I said I felt like I'd been eating too much sugar lately too (which is true) and would like to join him--we could do it together. Then I said that we should think of it as staying fit and healthy rather than trying to lose weight. I said part of staying fit is getting some physical activity and suggested we start taking Patsy (our dog) for a walk every day. He agreed. 

Then I panicked. I had handled the conversation all wrong by not emphasizing enough that I love him exactly how he is and that it's normal for kids his age to gain weight, so I threw that in at the end. 

If I were being graded I'd probably get a D.

But here's the thing. Now that he's told me he wants to lose the belly am I supposed to help him? And if so, what's the best way to go about it? I don't want to question him when he eats sugar. There's nothing more annoying than having someone question the foods you're about to put in your mouth. But, when I ask if he's ready to take Patsy for a walk and he says no and days go by and he hasn't done much more than sit on the couch or at his desk (which I cleaned off for him last week!) or at the kitchen table, am I supposed to remind him of his goal? I don't like the way that feels. Then it feels like it's my goal. But it isn't. My goal is for him to feel good about himself. I want him to be fit and healthy, yes. But, more than that, I want him to feel good.

If he's feeling down about his body (and he's not a chubby kid at all) how can I help him to feel better? Am I giving him too much responsibility by letting him choose to be so sedentary and by saying yes to sweets? Is it my choice to give him choices that's causing him, indirectly, to feel bad about his body? Or is this feeling bad just part of growing up? Is he just becoming more aware of his physical being and taking stock, so to speak, now that he's reached puberty?

I'm paralyzed. I'm afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing--so I'm just not doing anything. Well, I'm not doing anything beyond trying--relatively unsuccessfully, I might add--to entice him to get his body moving and by not buying sweets unless he asks for them.

I feel like there's got to be an answer out there, but for the life of me I can't figure out what it is.

Anyone have any ideas?

Anyone?

Bueller?

The Tidy Gene: Does It Exist & Where Can I Get One?

I would be posting pictures for you right now if I could. And I could be posting pictures right now if the cable that leads from my camera to my computer would show up. However, since I rarely put things where they belong and, in fact, many things in our house don't even have places where they belong (the cable does) I can't find it.

That's the bad thing about being messy. You can't find things when you need them. I wrote about being messy here last year, quoting the New York Times article, Saying Yes to Mess, by Penelope Green: "Studies are piling up that show that messy desks are the vivid signatures of people with creative, limber minds (who reap higher salaries than those with neat “office landscapes”) and that messy closet owners are probably better parents and nicer and cooler than their tidier counterparts." 

But, in the end does it really matter if I'm cooler, nicer, or a better parent than the next person if I can't find the things I need to live my life!? Maybe not. 

And how does my high tolerance for clutter (how's that for a positive spin?!) affect Jerry? How much of a person's personal habits are genetic and how much are learned? Jerry's got a 50/50 chance of being reasonably tidy if it's genetics because he's just as likely to have received Warren's "neat freak" genes as he is my "complete and utter chaos" genes. But Jerry spends most of his time with me. I'm setting the primary example. And it's not a very tidy one.

If you could see Jerry's playroom (and I'd post a photo if only--well, you know) you'd say he takes after me--no doubt. Let me describe it for you. Okay, I'm sitting in the doorway now. To my right are overflowing boxes (I think those might be mine), Lego train pieces are scattered across the floor, a plastic bin with hot wheels tracks is on top of a bean bag chair. There are two desks--one for painting and one for writing--neither of which has any room for either of those activities. To my left is a plastic basket (that's mine) with stuff left over from--hey! There's my camera cable! Yippee! I found it! Okay, I'm going to post some pictures of his playroom. Brace yourselves.

So did he get my genes or is he following my example? By not being orderly myself and not requiring a certain amount of order from Jerry, am I setting him up for a lifetime of lost camera cables and keys? Or am I accepting him for who he is? And if I could bring myself to, say, help him clean his playroom each night before bed, would that start a habit that he would carry into adulthood or would it just make our evenings stressful? My own mother certainly did her best to instill those habits in me, but apparently it was a wasted effort.

What's a messy mother to do? 

The New (Radical) Unschooler

I'm aiming for the Radical Unschooling lifestyle. There. I said it. It's out in the universe. I feel nervous just typing it because I didn't really ever imagine myself taking the "Radical" path--but I've bought the sales pitch, so to speak, and I'm in. I'm a believer. Or maybe I should say I have faith. Because I'm not sure if I know any radical unschoolers personally so I haven't actually seen the results with my own two eyes and even though I haven't met them I believe what they're telling me. (Yes, Caren, I'm going to attend the West Coast conference for sure and am trying for Live and Learn as well!!)

What are they saying? They say I can teach my child empathy and respect by modeling that behavior. They say if I trust my child my child will trust me. That kind of thing. I won't get too into it here because I always get a jumbled when I try to explain it and since I'm new to this parenting philosophy (and struggling with it) I'm not really qualified anyway.

Thus far my parenting approach could best be described as "parenting by instinct." I've always gone with what feels right and it's served me pretty well. My instincts led me to attachment parenting (though I'd never read much about it and only later learned it had a name) and a really warm and loving relationship with my son.

But along with my instincts I've also followed the usual role of parent in our society. I've used punishments and rewards to get Jerry to behave the way I want him to behave. I guess I should say I've tried to use punishments and rewards. They never worked too well.

But last year, when we started homeschooling, I discovered Unschooling. I originally thought it was just an educational philosophy but in these past 220 odd days I've discovered that Unschooling can be more than and educational philosophy. It can be a whole new way of living and relating to the people you love and to the world around you. And it sounds great. 

One of the most important aspects of Radical Unschooling, it's backbone, you might say, is non-coercive parenting. I haven't read any books about it. (Thanks Holly for the recommendation. I'll check out that Alfie Kohn book.) I haven't seen it practiced (that I know if). But my instincts are telling me it's right.

This post was really meant to answer the many heartfelt and thoughtful comments people left to my previous post. But there was such a long involved discussion going on it seems silly to go back and respond to everything that was said there. I will say that I understand what JJ meant when she wrote "it seems to me that zeroing in on Colleen's current feelings instead of her chosen commitment to change the direction of her whole life with Jerry and Warren, is like sympathizing with a girlfriend for a bad test score or being grounded for wrecking dad's car, and the whole group blaming her teacher or dad as a meanie, to help her 'feel better,'"  which is why I've decided to announce my intentions to try for the RU lifestyle. 

Friends and family, please don't panic. My parenting instincts have served me well thus far and I'm not leaving them behind. I'm just trying a different path. I'll still notice if something isn't right and I'll adjust accordingly. I'm not going to be bound by dogma and forgo my own freewill or any of that nonsense. I'm not going to give in to Jerry's every whim and forget that Warren and I have needs too. My goal is to create a family where each persons whims are considered equally, thereby creating a family in which each person feels equally important and honored. 

Just before Jerry and I left for our trip to the South Island I read a few of the comments to that last post and was struck by JJ's remark, "what if Warren didn’t want to go?" which made me wonder why it was so important that Warren and I get our way on that day. The very first thought that popped into my head was "because we're the adults." My next thought was, “because it’s our turn.” So that made think about this cycle of making children feel powerless--because that's what we're doing in traditional parenting practices. We say, "When you have your own kids, you can make the rules." And then our kids become parents and say the same thing to their kids. 

So what if it had always been my turn? Not my turn as in always getting what I want but my turn as in being given the power to make choices and have an impact. What if I could offer that gift to Jerry? (Friends and family, see paragraph 8.) Wouldn't it begin a cycle that was based on mutual respect and love and peace and all the things we say we want for the world but don't always think to give our own children? 

So that's the thought process I've been going through this past week and those are the answers I've come up with and Jerry and I have been at this internet cafe for over three hours now so I think I'd better stop writing and go back to the hostel.

But first I just have to say (again) that I appreciate ALL the comments people leave whether everyone agrees with them or not and whether they apply to one particular philosophy or they relate to your personal experiences. They're all welcome. Someday I might get a comment that I don't appreciate but it hasn't happened yet! 

A New Post

I'm cheating a bit here because I still haven't had time to sit down and read all the comments from that last post because we haven't had internet access at the hostel where we're staying. I just didn't want to leave my blog hanging around the blogosphere with that last post at the top because now we're having a great time. Jerry and I are spending the rest of the week in Queenstown, after spending some time in Christchurch, Oamaru and Dunedin. We'll meet Warren back in Christchurch on Saturday. Yesterday we rode a historic train through some amazing scenery. Today we went jetboating. Tomorrow we'll be spending the night onboard a boat on Doubtful Sound. I'm really looking forward to that! And throughout all of this travel we're getting along really well. Yippee!

I'm doing lots of thinking about parenting and coerciveness, though, and as soon as I have a quiet moment to read and ponder everyone's opinion I'll write down some of what's been on my mind--hopefully I'll get to be part of the discussion in the comments this time! :)

Recommended Reading for Newbies

I just wanted to share a few posts with you from Laura at Wistful Wanderlust. I highly recommend reading all three of them, especially if you're relatively new to unschooling, or you've started unschooling an older child. They're a joy to read and give a really honest representation of her journey.

Unschooling Q&A: How Did We Get Here?
In Part One Laura talks about the paradigm shift that led her to unschooling.

Unschooling Q&A: How Did We Get Here? Part II
Part Two chronicles her journey from mainstream parent to alternative parent to unschooler.

Unschooling Q&A: How Did We Get Here? Part III
Part three delves into the bane of my existence for the first few months of unschooling, "screen time."

Enjoy!

On Trust

Now that we're starting to settle in to our routine (or non-routine, really) I can finally get back to talking about trust.

Here's how my handy widget dictionary defines trust:
(noun)
-Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something.

-The state of being responsible for someone or something.

-A hope or expectation.

(verb)
-To allow someone to have, use or look after (someone or something of importance or value) with confidence.

A couple weeks ago I was telling Jerry that there's a form of unschooling where the parents give their children complete freedom to make their own choices. His eyes got really big and he got a huge grin on his face. "Would that be a good idea for us?" I asked.

"No way!" he said, "I'd probably just play video games all day."

I laughed, but at the same time I felt a little sad. I want him to trust himself with those choices, but I know I'm not entirely ready to hand them over to him. Thankfully, I've (finally!) recognized that I don't need to hand them over all at once. I'm working my way up to a "firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength" of my son. But I'm taking baby steps.

One thing that stands out to me in the above definitions of trust is the emphasis on "belief" and "confidence." Part of the problem I was having at the start of our unschooling, with letting Jerry set his own screen time, was that I was giving trust without belief or confidence--and that's not trust. No wonder we were having problems!

Jerry knows I don't have all the answers. He can see that I'm asking questions, making choices, evaluating, and correcting as we go. We talk about my choices, and his, and we try to come up with a plan that works for all of us (my husband, included).

I still think Jerry takes comfort in some of the boundries we've set for him. But as time goes by, we'll lift those boundries and shift control to him. When we're ready.

As my confidence and belief in my son grows, so will his confidence and belief in himself grow.

That's my hope.