Crisis Averted

I'm fine now. I was just having a little meltdown. Some growing pains, as it were. But all is well and my mottos of the day are "Begin" and "Stay in the moment." I'm having trouble beginning projects because the all seem so large. But, yesterday I bought an adorable bookcase in the shape of a dollhouse that I'm going to repaint and sell. I almost gave up on it before ever beginning, though.

Here's how it went down:

Me #1: Yippee! I have a project! I'm going to sand the bookcase today! Hooray! Wait a minute. Look at all those marker drawings. That's going to take a lot of sanding. That sucks. I'll do this later.

Me #2: Hold on a minute! Just begin sanding in one small space and stay in that moment. Think of it as an exercise in meditation.

Me #1: Hmm. I guess I could do that.

Me #2: Well. What are you waiting for? Begin.

And I did. I just focused on the space I was sanding and before too long I was done. Amazing how that works.

Am I Doing Enough?

That's what I was asking myself yesterday. As an unschooling parent I spend a lot of time looking for things that will interest Jerry. I scan the internet. I use Google Alerts to notify me when something he's interested in shows up online. I'm always sending him links to things I think he'll enjoy reading about. But I can't always find what I'm looking for and even when I do find something (like the internship at the museum) Jerry isn't always interested. I was hoping to find someone who reads Make magazine and is into hacking and DIY electronics and that kind of thing to provide some mentoring for Jerry, but so far that hasn't panned out. I wanted to get an electronics class together, but couldn't get the 8 kids required. I found an awesome electronics space that offers classes all the time, but it's in Brooklyn. The list goes on...

One thing that has been helpful as I ponder my strategy for getting out of this slump of mine is something I discovered online called "Recordkeeping for Unschoolers." I got it a while back so I don't recall the website that posted it. But the idea is that pretty much everything is worthwhile. I've added to the list and I plan to keep adding to it. I'm going to print it and post it in my kitchen. I figure it will give me ideas when I need them and it will also remind me that we really are doing something--even when it feels like nothing.

Record-keeping for Unschoolers

Reading

Books, magazines, newspapers, websites, fiction, biography, nonfiction, poetry, drama, manga, video game guides, travel guides, essays, articles …

Doing

Cooking, swimming, dog walking, babysitting, volunteering, working, singing, acting, playing music, calculating, gardening, helping, sports ...

Creating

Arts & crafts, building, sewing, weaving, beadwork, legos, computer graphics, game design, electronics, movie making, photography …

Writing

Journaling, stories, poetry, letters, website, e-mail, articles …

Watching

TV, movies, documentaries, cartoons, YouTube, live theater, demonstrations, wildlife …

Listening

Audiobooks, podcasts, radio, music, stories, lectures ...

Talking

Speech, discussion, explaining, instructing, debating …

Visiting

Museums, zoos, field trips, people, park day…

Thinking

Planning, analyzing, imagining, plotting, wondering …

So that should help. My other plan is to become more active. I need to stop doing so much planning and searching and just take the few ideas that are more within my control and build on those. I've been thinking of doing some electronics stuff with a group of kids at our house and I guess I just need to stop thinking and do it.

And maybe I'll post on Unschooling Basics to find out what other people do when they aren't sure they're doing enough. Do more would be the obvious answer, but at a certain point I think you just have to let things be, right? I mean, I can only do so much. Jerry is going to do what he likes to do and as long as I'm watching for clues as to what those things are and offering suggestions I'm doing the right thing....right? Is that all I'm supposed to do?

I just feel like there are untapped resources out there and I'm not finding them and it's driving me crazy. But Jerry has to want to tap into those resources, too. And his reaction to the ideas I share is definitely not within my control. Sorry, I'm rambling.

So, what do you guys think? As an unschooling parent how do you know if you're doing enough?

Foggy With Patches Of Sun

I'm ever so slowly coming out of the fog. It's a bit too slow for my taste but apparently grief has its own time-line. Since my grandma died I've been sleeping like a rock, which is highly unusual for me, but last night I actually laid awake for a good couple hours worrying about stuff, which might seem like a bad thing (and it really sucks when it's happening--especially if there's a very loud helicopter hovering right outside your bedroom window at the same time) but it's a very normal thing for me to do. In fact, sleeping all the way through the night is downright bizarre for me. So as I was laying there fretting, I couldn't decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing. I'll admit, it felt bad. But still, it's what I do, so in some weird way it was good.

What was I fretting about? TV. Jerry's watching too much. Would I say the same thing if he were reading instead of watching TV? Yes. I would. And I don't like the way he talks about himself. He says he does nothing but watch TV all day. Calls himself a "couch potato" and makes other disparaging remarks. It really bothers me. And, honestly, I think it bothers him. He's really self-conscious about his body now that he's put on some weight. I've actually thought about asking the doctor about it because he went up about four sizes in three months, but I know the doctor will ask about his level of activity and the truth is he's just not very active. So, I know it's not very unschooly of me, but I'm really considering an experimental ban on TV during "school" hours--from about 10 to 3--to see if that changes things. I'm just thinking about it for now. I haven't said anything yet. I find it's best to think about this kind of stuff before acting on it because it almost always works itself out. But the TV thing has been going on for a while. So, I don't know. I know I need to do what's best for Jerry and not get hung up on unschooling the "right" way. And he is a kid that needs a nudge now and then. He even seems to appreciate a nudge. So, we'll see.

In the meantime here are some pictures of Charlie in his favorite pot. We've been keeping it on the floor of Jerry's play room so he can snuggle up in it without wreaking havoc in our cupboards.But then we had to get a picture of him on the stove so we moved him. Kitty stew. Yum.By the way, this is exactly the kind of picture I love to look at on other people's blogs. I love all the background stuff--it gives you a look into how we live (sadly, this picture is a fairly accurate representation). Warren always accuses me of being a Peeping Tom because I like to look into people's windows when we go for walks. It's not like I'm tip-toeing into their yards peering over the window sill, though. I don't even stop to gawk. If the curtains are open I just look in and take stock as I walk by. How is decorated? Where's the couch? What are the window coverings like? Are there toys? Is it neat? What kind of people are they? And these are the same questions I love to answer when I look at photos on people's blogs. So ask away, Sherlock. Peer into the background and deduce what you will.

Just Like Old Times

Ah, it's just like the old days when I first started this blog. Well, maybe not just like them. I'm not totally freaking out about how Jerry is spending his time or what he is and isn't learning. I am, however, a little worried. And Warren is a lot worried.

Jerry does spend a huge amount of time sitting in front of the television watching cartoons. When he gets tired of TV, he plays computer games or breaks out the Wii or PlayStation. I don't have a problem with these activities (Warren does--more because of the time spent on them than the activity itself) but I am worried because he seems to be doing them out of habit--because it's the easy thing to do. He seems to have fallen into a kind of malaise--like he just doesn't have the gumption to get up and do something else. I really think he needs more physical activity but I have to twist his arm to get him to do anything that's active--including leaving the house.

Am I doing Jerry any favors by accepting his first (or second or third) answer to my requests that he get out of the house (or even just off the couch)? People pay personal trainers to help them do what they say they want to do, but fail to acheive without coaching. As a parent shouldn't I be coaching Jerry to become his best self? I want to honor his choices. But I also want him to be healthy and vibrant and engaged in the world around him.

I'm not saying he doesn't do other things but the days when he spends more than a few hours away from one screen or another are few and far between.

At this point I think my plan is to make more plans. He liked the unschooler park day in Santa Monica and he actually ran around at that one so that's a good first step. Yesterday we went to the library. He wanted to stay in the car while I went in but I just said no. He didn't complain and ended up finding a bunch of manga he wanted to read so I'm glad I insisited.

What I want to know is where does the line fall between honoring your child's feelings and rolling over like a wet noodle, always taking their first answer as the final one. I want to support his interest in television and computers and video games but I feel like Jerry is getting compliance rather than support from me these days and that makes me feel like I'm not being the best parent I can be.

At one of the Dragon Tree park days when Pam Sorooshian was speaking, she said that unschooling is like a dance. Sometimes the child is leading, sometimes the parent, and other times parent and child dance in perfect sync, together. So maybe I need to take the lead for now, with my eye on getting to a place where we weave freely in and out of leading, following, and gliding side by side.

It's Me Again!

I'm back. As in, I think I'm coming out of my funk. What's different about today? Well, for one thing I'm still in my pajamas. I know. It could be completely unrelated, but here's the thing. I haven't felt like blogging lately, or doing much of anything really, other than feeling sorry for myself. But today I suddenly feel like blogging again. So as I was making a cup of tea this morning, I was thinking to myself, what's different about today? And then it came to me. I'm wearing pajamas.

See, since Xiquan moved in I've been having to get dressed (maybe it's better to say "dressed" since I'm still not wearing anything I could leave the house in) before coming up to the kitchen to sit at my computer. When we had girls living with us I had no problem strolling around in pjs but now that there's another guy in the house it's a different story. So I think there may be a connection between blogging and wearing pajamas! Does anyone else find they blog better in jammies? I know I can't be alone here.

So, now that I'm coming back to life I can tell you about some of the good stuff that's been happening. Yes, while I was sleeping life went on and some good things happened. I even had a hand in making some them happen--I just couldn't manage to get happy about them at the time.

Good thing #1: I'm going to be the new contact person for our homeschool group. This is my attempt to get myself off the blanket and away from the three people that I ever talk to at park day and meet some new people. I always do better in groups when I'm trying to make other people feel comfortable so if I'm there to greet new people that have called to ask me questions about the group, I'll be able to forget my own childish feelings of inadequacy and focus on making them feel welcome. That way I won't have time to feel sorry for myself. Pretty clever, eh?

Good thing #2: The deck is alomst finished! This weekend Warren and I are going to sand and oil it and paint the railings and then sometime next week someone will put in the steel cables that will make it safe for small children and then we'll be able to say the deck is finally done! Of course, I still have anxiety over the whole thing. Last night I dreamt that someone came into our year while we slept and dismantled the whole thing, then took off with all the wood. Next I dreamed that all the wood was back and we were just about to begin oiling it when it started to rain. Nightmares aside, the important thing is that it's almost finished.

Good thing #3: I have a wonderful husband. He's been so good to me this past month. He came home from work early one day this week when I was feeling especially low. He made me a CD with pdfs of the entire first year of my blog (comments included!). He's been getting home for dinner for the last couple weeks so we've actually been able to eat a meal together at the end of the day which has never happened before (unless he was unemployed) during our entire 17 years of marriage. Granted, we're not eating until 8 or 9 but we're eating togther and that's what counts. And we've been doing things together. We went to hear music at the library. We've walked down the street for dinner. We've spread out a blanket on our deck and sat outside under the four stars that are bright enough to outshine the city lights and sipped wine. We've been watching the Daily Show together at the end of the day. We went to see a movie together. Gosh, now that I'm listing all these things I find it hard to believe that I could have been feeling so low. Crazy, huh?

Good thing #4: I know I already said it but I'll say it again. My sister is coming all the way from Ireland for my birthday!!

Good thing #5: We saved two kittend from becoming coyote food. Here's the kitten update: We did end up taking them to a shelter because they were both crawling with fleas and they didn't use a litter box (one of them did but not the other). I decided I couldn't hand them off to someone else in that state, nor could I keep them here, especially since we already have two cats. I know I could have taken them to the vet and paid to get them vaccinated and treated for fleas but that would've cost a lot. So...I took them to the shelter where they will get a check up, vaccinations and flea treatment for only $68 each. I've got their ID numbers so I've been checking up on them daily and as of October 4 they'll be available for adoption. I'll probably give them a few days to be adopted and then if no one takes them I'll post bail and try finding homes for them. So that's the kitten story. Taking them to the shelter was really sad but now I'm able to see that it was the right thing to do. So that's good. (Still makes me a little sad though.)

Good thing #6: My friend Jill had a baby girl!!

Good thing #7: My friend Zefra has been calling me every day this week. She knew I needed her and she's been there for me even though she's going crazy planning her son's Bar Mitzvah and trying to open a new store in Berekley. Now that's a good friend!

Good thing #8: Jerry broke out his recorder this week and started teaching me to play.

Good thing #9: I bought running shoes and Warren and I have started walking 3 miles a few times a week. We're doing Saturday and Sunday for sure and then midweek when we can manage to stumble out of bed by 6. I know walking isn't running but it's only a hop skip and a jump away so I'm getting there!

Good thing #10: I feel like there should be an even 10 but nothing is jumping out at me here. Oh, I know! We have visitors coming! Friends from the Life is Good conference are going to stay the night after the WoW convention down in Anaheim. And my parents are coming down for a visit too. Oh my god and my friend Ursula (a friend from high school) is coming the following week. And Jerry's birthday party is coming up. And Halloween. Good grief. I'd better get off my butt and start preparing for all this activity.

Time to get out of my pjs!

Stimulation Dilema

Before I get to the Stimulation Dilema, I want to share some pictures from our fabulous weekend. My parents came down and watched Jerry while I was at the Jane Austen Ball. This was my third year at the ball and it was the best one ever. I had so much fun!


Saturday we went to the Santa Monica Pier with my parents and went on some rides:


And enjoyed the good company and lovely weather:


My mom and dad have packed up and are on their way back home to Sacramento. They were going to take Patsy, our dog, since they'll be watching her while we're away, but Jerry and I decided we weren't ready for her to go yet--which means we'll need to drive her up three days before we leave, then turn right around and come home the next day. It was just too sad to think of being without her for two weeks before leaving and I think it would have made going away much harder for Jerry. He usually does fine when we're away from home for long periods of time but when he's homesick it's almost always Patsy that he misses most.

On to the Stimulation Dilema:

I feel like I've been so busy lately that Jerry has been left to his own devices a lot. It's not that I'm not here. I am. But I'm doing my own thing, leaving Jerry to be at the computer, play video games, watch television, or do whatever happens to strike his fancy at the moment. I suppose that's alright for a while but I don't feel quite right about it. It makes me feel like I'm not providing enough stimulation. A lot of people on the unschooling discussion lists say that when your kids watch television, for example, you should be watching with them, but I don't really like watching television. Also, I have so much to do before we go I can't imagine wasting time in front of the TV. I sit with Jerry when he asks me to, but if he doesn't ask I do other things. And he hasn't asked much lately. I keep thinking once we get to NZ it will be better because I won't have as much pulling my attention away from him. I do wonder, though, when we're just living our daily lives what's the best way to be sure I'm not slacking off in the educational stimulation department. Even when I'm busy I continue to bring interesting bits of information to his attention, so I know I'm doing something, at least, but I don't really think that's enough.

Ban On Traditional Homeschooling Blogs

Warning: These rantings are those of my highly neurotic alter ego and do not represent the opinions or thoughts of the slowly evolving, practically sane, aspiring wise woman that usually pens this blog.

This is for my own good. No more reading blogs written by traditional homeschoolers! At least not until I'm securely settled in our unschooling life. They make me worry. They make me wish I had a more pliable child. They make me think there's something wrong with me. I can't read about children that actually sit down at the kitchen table and willingly do math. Or kids that diagram sentences because they were told to. Or the ones that write essays on the destruction of Pompeii just because their mom thought it would be a good idea. It's killing me!!!

My life would be so much simpler if I were following the clearly marked, well-trodden path of traditional "school at home" homeschoolers. None of this life altering, paradigm shifting, living outside the box stuff. Of course, I could only take that path if my son was willing to follow along--not much sense in going down the traditional path without the student. And I'd really only want to take that path if we could walk along together enjoying the scenery, laughing along the way. It wouldn't be a pleasant trip if I had to throw Jerry over my shoulder and lug him along the trail.

Okay. Deep breath. That's better. It's me again. Sorry. I just had to get that off my chest. It's just that I've been reading this terrific homeschooling blog and it was giving me serious blog/children/life envy. I think I'm having a moment (or couple days, actually) of weakness because of yesterdays dinner table conversation.

Perhaps a little reminder is in order. Why did I chose unschooling in the first place?
1. It suits my son better than any method of education I know.
2. It makes a lot of sense to learn about things that interest you and I think those things are more likely to be remembered.
3. I want my son to love learning. I don't want him to be so sick of it by the time he's 18 that he doesn't want to open another book.
4. Our relationship could never survive traditional homeschooling because my son is just like me--he doesn't like to be told what to do.
5. Unschooling allows us to focus on joyful living. Learning comes naturally out of joyful living. Why force something when it can happen naturally?
6. I believe unschooling is the best preparation for life-long learning.

Okay. I feel better now. Phew. I was breaking my very own first rule of Unschooling: "Don't assume that what works for one family will work for my own." Actually, I guess I was WISHING that what works for one family would work for my own, which is different different from assuming. Still, it's not a good thing.

If my son were the type of kid that would let me teach him the traditional way I would probably still be happily planning lessons, creating curricula and correcting math sheets. (I say still as if that lasted for more than three days! Ha!) But, one of the things I appreciate about this unschooling journey is that it has made me question my motives and philosophies. And that questioning has energized me. It's not so easy to change paths. Thankfully I'm being guided by those of you who have trod the unschooling trail before me. If I didn't have your footprints to follow I'd be lost.

Thanks.

Why Must He Torture Me?!

Why?! Why?! Why must he torture me so?!

This is the conversation that took place this evening, at our kitchen table, between Jerry and his best friend, Jackson--and me. (Jackson's mom is considering homeschooling him next year.)

Jerry: You should homeschool next year J. Especially if you do it like me. I don't have to do anything!

Jackson: Yeah, but I want to learn something. I don't want to be stupid.

Jerry: I'm not learning anything and I'm not stupid.

Me (two octaves higher than my normal voice): You are too learning stuff!

Jackson: Like what?

Me: Like remember after the art exhibit the other day we talked about the internment of the Japanese-American people during World War II.

Jerry: We did? I don't remember that.

Jackson: Oh, we learned about that in school. They put entire families in one room and only had a sheet to separate them!

Jerry: Hmmm. I don't remember that.

Why? Why? Why? Why?!!!!!!!

So What Do You Do All Day?

This is the question Jerry was asked by my friend Adriana on our way home from the airport.

Jerry's response? "Nothing really. Basically all I do is play video games and play on the computer all day."

I don't think the written word can do justice to the contortions my face must have gone through, or the amount of control it took not to reach over and squeeze Jerry's knee (hard) in order to transmit my psychic message of "Stop talking. Now!!" I think there was even a split second when I had to restrain myself from putting my hand over his mouth. I chalk this guttural reaction up to the fact that I've been sick and am not in possession of my usual social graces. Still....

I know this has been an issue before and JJ and Nance had some good answers for me but I can't remember...is it okay to lie? Like can I coach Jerry? Can we have an automatic response that includes something that resembles traditional education? I remember either JJ or Nance saying something about how fun it can be to hear how your kids answer that question. But "Nothing really. Basically all I do is play video games and play on the computer all day," seems to be Jerry's standard answer and it's killing me!!!

I just can't help feeling like that response reflects so badly on me.

A Recipe For Angst

Okay, I know I don't usually post more than once a day but I'm having an angsty moment.

Yesterday Jerry and I talked about why he hasn't been wanting to go to classes at the last minute lately and he said he's been feeling down for the past month or so. He started crying and saying he doesn't have any friends. He does have one great friend but the truth is he doesn't really have many others. That's ingredient number one. A sad boy.

The second ingredient is culled from hours of sitting on the couch staring at the television refusing invitations of outdoor (or even indoor) activity. I've been letting him watch television as much as he wants to. He's kind of shifted from video games to TV and I've been figuring this is just a natural progression. He's had enough video games and now he's moving on to TV, when that's done he'll find something else. But now that I know he's been feeling down I can't help thinking that the fact that I'm allowing him to watch TV all day isn't doing much for his self-esteem or his physical being. He's comfortable on the couch but I'm aware that sometimes sitting in front of the TV for days on end can make a person feel lethargic and kind of crappy. Should I really be letting him make this choice?

Ingredient number three is the eaiest to find. Doubt. I'm doubting myself especially after reading this from Pam Sorooshian:

In a way, how much tv [our kids] watch is an indicator for unschooling parents as to how well we're doing in creating a rich and stimulating environment.

Don't carry this too far—there are lots of times when watching tv IS an important part of that rich and stimulating environment, but what I mean is that if we noticed one of our children watching tv in a "glued to the tube" zombie-like mode, for hours and hours, day after day, we'd respond by examining our unschooling lives, not with the knee-jerk response of: "This is too much tv and this kid needs to have limits set for him/her."

I'm not creating a rich and stimulant environment!!!!! And if I am I'm not doing a very good job of getting Jerry to engage in it!

Okay, deep breath. In......Out..... I'm calmer now. I know we're deschooling and he should be allowed to decompress and deschool as he sees fit. But how do I know when deschooling is over? How do I tell the difference between a desire to sit on the couch all day that's a precursor to depression and one that's just decompressing?

So there you have my recipe for angst soup--actually, this is just one of many. It's bubbling up in a huge pot on my stove right now and I'd be more than happy to chuck the whole thing out the window if I could just figure out how to lift it.

The Doubting Dad

I ended my last post by asking for suggestions on how to handle a partner who's not exactly on board the unschooling bus, so to speak. I wanted to know how to balance my husband's need to see some Learning going on, with my desire to unschool our son. This topic is so important I figure it deserves its very own post. That way all the helpful suggestions I've been getting won't get passed over.

You can read the complete comments on my last post, but I'm going to paraphrase some of them for you here:

Heather from Embracing the Strange suggested I read Building an Unschooling Nest and Doing Two Things at Once on Sandra Dodd's site. She also recommended I take a look at Deschooling Caleb, a blog written by a mom whose son is about Jerry's age. Among other things, Heather also suggested delving into my own interests and sharing them with Jerry, and getting out of the house more. Oh, and she wondered if I had fully explained the deschooling process to my husband. (He says I have but I think I need to try again.)

Sheri from Matter of Faith suggested that I ease up on myself and allow my husband to take on the subjects that he's most concerned about.

Tara at Heartschooling thought I was on the right track by respecting all parties and trying to find ways to meet everyone's needs. She suggested keeping a log of what we do throughout the day and listing the educational value of each activity.

Nance Confer from Cocking a Snook recommended my husband check out these blogs written by a couple homeschooling dads:
HE&OS and O'Donnell Web. She also suggested the Homeschooling for Dads page on the National Home Education Network site. I found this comment, also from Nance, to be especially helpful:

"And, I hope this doesn't sound mean, but has Warren tried just hanging out and talking with your son. Not in a quizzing, annoying way. But in a nice, friendly, "getting to know you and not measuring you against any arbitrary standard and dang, but aren't you a terrific kid" kind of way.

And then he'd need to do that again. And again. And not demand to see some worksheet or test score or a book that was sufficiently "educational." But just keep on doing that and keep on really trying to appreciate your son.

And then one day, it will all click. He will walk into the kitchen where you are preparing dinner and trying not to listen and he will say, "You know, that boy is really smart. He just told me all about XYZ. And he had some good ideas about ABC. And he's funny!" Or whatever your son is.

And you will smile and agree because, by then, you will already have had the many chances during the day that Dads sometimes miss to see how terrific your son is.

And the more you can continue to deschool -- meaning lay off the school work (even if you think it doesn't look schooly, obviously your son knows what's up) -- the sooner all of this can start happening."

So, it seems like Warren and I need to take some time to talk about unschooling and deschooling. We need to have some philosophical discussions about school and learning and our own educational philosophies. I have a feeling this may take more than a couple conversations! In the meantime we'll both take Nance's advice to hang out with Jerry without placing judgments on how he chooses to spend his time. That should be a good place to start.

A Slippery Slope

I'm beginning to notice a pattern here. The day after I publish a post in which I write about how things are going great, how I'm really getting the hang of this unschooling thing, how I'm cruising along giddily close to "euphoria," I end up back at "crap." Thankfully the crap episodes seem to be getting shorter as I catch myself behaving schoolishly, or unreasonably, or being a control freak, or all of the above, faster and faster each time.

Yesterday I decided to have a talk with Jerry. That probably should have sent up a red flag--my "talks" rarely have positive results. But I was determined to discuss tactics for making his dad feel better about our schooling. In other words, his dad would like to see more Learning going on and I wanted to talk about how we might make some happen. So, I asked Jerry what he'd like to learn about.

Jerry was not particularly interested in this conversation, but he said we could try learning some Rapid Math Tricks using a book of the same name. He agreed to a few more things but in truth I don't think he was very interested in any of it. I decided (another red flag should have gone up there!) that we should start today. We tried the first lesson but I wasn't even half way through it before Jerry was sighing heavily and exhibiting the same behavior as he did on that fateful day of the "math incident"--our last day of school-at-home.

I found myself getting angry so I took a deep breath and went into the other room. I busied myself with other things until the math lesson didn't seem so important anymore. Thankfully it didn't take long.

I figure the fact that the episode was over so quickly is a sign of progress, but I do wonder how in the heck I'm supposed to balance my husband's need to see some Learning going on with my (and Jerry's) desire to unschool.

Suggestions anyone?

An Embarrassing Admission

I don't really want to write this post, but when I started this blog I swore that it would be an honest representation of our attempt to unschool. So, here I go...

I made an appointment to tour a private school yesterday. We would have made the appointment eventually anyway because my husband wants to have a back up in case Jerry wants to go to school next year. I've been putting it off, though. I really want to keep homeschooling--at least for middle school, maybe high school, too, so I haven't been too eager to tour any schools. But these past few days I've been feeling kind of low. Kind of like things aren't working out. So I made the appointment.

It was the chess incident that started it. But then yesterday Jerry yelled at me--I mean, really yelled--for something that wasn't even my fault. Maybe starting to unschool just as your child hits puberty isn't the best idea. Our situation is made more difficult, I think, by the fact that Jerry's an only child and my husband works really long hours. We spend a huge amount of time together. That could be hard on any relationship. I suppose arguments are inevitable.

So, I was really sad yesterday and I made an appointment to tour the school next Thursday. I also decided to try spending three hours during the day on school stuff. I don't mean school as in workbooks and essays, though I'm not entirely opposed to those things, I just want to have some time set aside when we're learning something new. I need it for my own sanity. I'm finding it difficult to follow Jerry's lead on everything. There are some things I want him to know and I just don't have the patience to wait for him to show an interest in them.

There you have it. I'm not feeling like a very good unschooler, but at the same time I'm proud of myself for following my own course. The willingness and ability to break away from the masses and blaze a trail of one's own seem to be key components of unschooling, so hopefully I'm not straying too far from the path we set out on. We'll see.

From Euphoria To Crap And Back Again, Part 2

It's the morning after my birthday. Seeing Regina Spektor with my husband was the perfect way to spend a birthday evening.

Now, back to the more immediate issues of parenting and unschooling. Yesterday, I left you with this:

Just when I thought we were cruisin' along right smack in between "okay" and "euphoric"--CRASH!--I ended up feeling like crap. It happened yesterday at chess class. I'll call it the "chess incident." The good news is that today I had a brief but heartwarming moment of euphoria. I'll call it the "Tom Waits incident."

Let me explain.

Tuesday was my birthday, but Tuesdays are usually pretty hectic in our house because Jerry goes to three different classes during the day, then usually plays at a friends house in Hollywood, which means I spend the day driving all over town.

So, I decided we'd celebrate my birthday on Monday. I wanted to go to the Norton Simon Museum and I wanted Jerry to accompany me without complaint. I know. I know. He's twelve. He's "not a museum person," as he puts it. But, I thought playing the birthday card might change things. Stop laughing--I'm an optimist!

The museum opened a 12 so we spent the morning on our computers. I know. I know. I said we had a deal about no screen time before 4 p.m. but I was working on editing a newsletter, so I had to be on my computer and it seemed unfair to make Jerry stay off his. Besides, he was finding all kinds of really cool magic tricks, science experiments, and stop motion videos. It seemed silly to make him stop.

Around 12:30 we packed up Jerry's chess stuff, since we'd be going directly to chess class from the museum, made a shopping list of supplies for creating some of the cool things he'd discovered online, and took off for the Norton Simon.

We had a really nice time at the museum. It wasn't completely free of complaining--on a scale of 1 to 10, I'd put the complaint level at about 6. That's pretty good for a child who once refused to enter the John Steinbeck Museum and sat in the lobby moping for an hour while his dad and I explored.

We spent most of our time in the South Asian Collection because they have a really cool audio tour that tells the stories of the Hindu and Buddhist Gods. Then we had lunch at the cafe and Jerry worked on his chess homework. He gave me the answers and I wrote them in for him--teamwork at its best.

That part was the "euphoria--" the morning and the museum, and sitting in the garden doing his chess work together.

Next we picked up the supplies he needed and headed to chess, about thirty minutes east of the museum.

As we pulled into the parking lot Jerry slumped down in his seat. "I don't really want to go to chess," he moaned, "I'm bored with chess. I'm just not a chess kind of guy."

"I drove all the way out here," I said, "I paid for the class through today. You need to go, at least to this class, since we're here."

I won't bore you with all the whining and lecturing that went on. I will tell you that a well-meaning man at the ISP tried to show Jerry how to give himself a little energy pick-me-up by doing jumping jacks, which ended with Jerry being embarrassed and giving me a pretend punch in the side of the head (in slow motion) because I was laughing, and the man saying "Surely you're not so tired that you need to be disrespectful to your mother." I think that was the straw that broke the mother's back.

I hate it when people do that. Jerry's action didn't seem disrespectful to me until the guy said it was. It was certainly no more disrespectful than me laughing at Jerry's embarrassment. But once he labeled it disrespectful I got really mad. At Jerry.

So, tears were shed (Jerry's), blood boiled (mine) and we left. This was the "crap" part of the day.

On the way home, I told him he had to pay me for the class that he was skipping out on. I told him he had to wash my car to make up for my time spent driving out there. I told him I was so angry.

He cried.

I wanted to say more. There were a million things running through my head--mean things--but I knew they would all make him feel like a terrible person. I think I managed to keep them all in, but he felt like crap anyway. We both did.

In the end we got over it. Jerry was extra attentive at home that night. I was kind of mopey and tired. But, before bed we apologized to each other and had a good hug.

The following day--my real birthday, Jerry was still extra attentive. On the way home from Japanese he asked me to put on a CD and I chose Tom Waits' "Mule Variations." Jerry doesn't usually like to listen to Tom Waits but he didn't complain once, he just put it in the CD player and pressed play.

He read the lyrics as the music played and when the first song, "Big in Japan," ended he said, "I liked that song." My heart went a-flutter. I know it's silly but I love Tom Waits' music and it made me so happy to think that I would finally be able to share it with Jerry. From there it only got better because Jerry said he liked "House Where Nobody Lives" which is a ballad and Jerry usually hates slow songs. And then (joy of joys!) when we stopped at home so Jerry could grab his trombone he actually paused the CD before running into the house!! He didn't want to miss any of the music!

Ah, euphoria.

A Graph Of My Emotional State While Deschooling

I was feeling extremely crappy today so I decided to make a graph of my emotional state since starting to unschool. I thought it might give me a good laugh. So I reread all my posts, tried to remember what was happening and how I was feeling, and this is what I came up with.

As you can see, there are lots of ups and downs, but overall it's better than I expected. My ideal emotional state would be right in between "Okay" and "Euphoric," and even though I only hit that note a few times, I was glad to see that I spent more time above "Okay" than below it.

By the way, it was the whole video game thing that got me down today. I think I might need to request a screen-free week so we can see what life used to be like before all these screens took over our home. Maybe that will help us find our balance.

Oh, and I told Jerry about the new allowance plan today. It didn't go over so well. There was some crying (his, not mine) but in the end we worked out an arrangement that we all felt happy with.

Jerry is spending the night at a friend's tonight so Warren and I are going out for a bite at one of our favorite cozy little restaurants. I'm going to have smoked chicken with macaroni and cheese. If that's not comfort food, I don't know what is. Maybe I'll be lucky and they'll have creme brulee for desert! I'll be back up to "Euphoric" in no time!

Degrees Of Unschooling

I've included some pictures of our kittens today. They have absolutely nothing to do with this posting.

Last week I felt such a sense of relief. I really thought I was settling in to the deschooling groove. I wasn't having all kinds of angst over televsion or computer use (it was down). It was so freeing not to think of the television or computer as evil. When Jerry was playing a game, or watching a show, I wasn't feeling like a terrible parent for letting him do it. For all these years, almost every time he's in front of a screen, I've felt like I was not parenting the way I wanted to or the way I "should." Last week, though, there was a shift. Instead of thinking "He's watching television--I'm a bad parent." I just thought "He's watching television." So that was one milestone in the deschooling process that I definitely felt.

I've been thinking a lot about degrees of unschooling lately. I mean, first of all (and I know this sounds really dumb and will show how judgemental I can be) it had never even occurred to me that a thinking, intelligent parent would ever allow their child to watch television or sit in front of the computer all day. I had just assumed (backed up by a fair amount of research) that these things were bad for children and that any parent who allowed unlimited time in front of them was not parenting very well. It certainly never occurred to me that allowing unlimited screen time could be a conscious choice! So, my eyes have been opened and I'm trying to fit this recognition into our lives.

Like many parents who come to unschooling later in their child's life, I struggle with finding the right degree of unschooling for my family. I've read posts by other moms, and I've written a fair amount of them myself on this blog, that reveal a real sense of inner turmoil surrounding how much freedom we should give a child to make his or her own choices. On the one hand, there's a belief in the principles of unschooling and a budding sense of certainty that unschooling makes much more sense than the education and the lifestyle that most of us grew up with. On the other hand there's a lifetime of programming and stacks of parenting books that say children require limits--that they thrive on them.

It's confusing! I mean, we can't just flip a switch and reverse a lifetime of programming and beliefs. I'm doing my best to trust that Jerry is getting what he needs to have a happy, fulfilling life, however he chooses to define that. But years of expecting visible proof of learning die hard. As far as I've come in my own deschooling process, I still want to see results. But every time I try to influence Jerry's learning with more than a gentle nudge, or a book left open on the table, I wonder if I'm slowing the deschooling process. I worry that my desire for this evidence will somehow negate all the benefits I want him to experience as an unschooler.

This worrying doesn't help me though. I'm thinking that if there are degrees of unschooling, there can be degrees of starting to unschool. Why should I expect myself to make such a big leap right off the bat? Maybe there are ledges where I can stop along the way for a rest. Little outcrops where I can stop to assess the situation before taking the next jump.

So I'm going to try thinking more in terms of a slow decent instead of leaping into a void. I've got to stop worrying that I'm doing this the wrong way and just do what feels right to me. One of the best things I've learned in the process of researching unschooling and reading other blogs is not to negate my son's interests. This realization has been a real gift to both of us. If I really do take his wishes and interests into consideration, I can be sure that what feels right to me won't be wrong for him.

Funky Town

My husband finally bought an electric guitar! He's been talking about getting one for ages, all the while religiously playing his acoustic every night before bed. Yesterday, he finally made his choice and brought one home. Here he is with J leaving the Guitar Center where, after many hours of deliberation, he chose a Les Paul.J wanted to be the first to play it once we got home. Here's Warren giving him some pointers.
It was a good weekend. We acheived a nice balance of family time and personal time, the weather was perfect, we finally got the guitar. I can't complain. But, you know, I still didn't feel quite right. I felt happy, but not my usual happy. And I've been feeling that way for a while now.

I think I'm in a funk.

It's time to take action. Time to say good-bye to Funky Town. Here's my escape plan:

1.) Take my vitamins every day. (I've been slacking.)
2.) Stop putting things off. The main things I've been putting off are a) balancing my checkbook; b) securing an interview for my next newspaper column; c) mailing the numerous birthday and baby gifts I've purchased in the last couple months; d) dropping off our donations at the Goodwill. These will all be crossed off my To Do List by Friday.

3.) Go for a walk or a hike at least once a day.

4.) Stop reasearching and reading about unschooling and just do it. I've been obbsessed with figuring this whole thing out, but I'm coming to the conclusion that the best way to figure it out is to stop looking over my shoulder at what other people are doing and just do what I think is right for us. (Yes, I know I already said something like this, but I need to get hit over the head several times before a new idea sinks in. This is whack number two.) So, this week I'm not going to read about unschooling, except for in the John Holt book that I started last week. I'll still read the blogs I 've discovered, but I won't go searching for information. I'll just read the daily posts and go on about my business.

So that's the plan. Let's hope it works!

A Tall Glass Of Whine

I need a friend. She should be a seasoned unschooler, as full of wisdom as I am full of doubts. She needs to live in Los Angeles and she should be planning on staying for a while because I'm tired of having my friends move away. If her husband happens to work in the film industry so much the better. While our husbands are working twelve to eighteen hour days, we'll have dinner with the kids, go on field trips and plan fun (and educational!) vacations. We'll share our whines over wine!

As you can no doubt tell, I took another ride on the deschooling express and it's going downhill fast. This whole unschooling business just seems too easy. We're having fun. J is taking a few classes in subjects that interest him, so I know he's learning something in the traditional sense. But all this fun is making me nervous. I mean, isn't learning supposed to be difficult? What am I doing to his future? Why can't I just pick an emotion (a happy one) and stick with it!?

Back On The Rollercoaster

Was it just yesterday that I said "I love this!"?

I woke up this morning with doubts. Maybe I've just misinterpreted the residual sadness from watching Japanese Story as unschooling doubt. Even so, I find that when I'm feeling doubtful the first thing I want to do is hide J's computer and whip out the Saxon math. Oh yeah, and assign lots of chores.

Luckily for J I wake up earlier than he does, so I have time to google things like "unschooling doubt" before my angst gets the better of me. This morning's google search led me to a gem of a web site. It's called The Home-School Curriculum Advisor and the page that was so helpful to me this morning was Unschooling: Is It Right For You?.

One of their suggestions is that, as a new homeschooler, you take some time to determine your core values and develop your educational philosophy. Mary Hood made the same suggestion in The Relaxed Home School. I really do need to solidify my beliefs. Maybe once I have a stronger grasp on my own personal philosophy and values my doubts will wane and this ride will level out a bit--the highs are fun but I could do without the lows.

Isn't homeschooling great though? How often, especially where education is concerned, are we asked to develop our own philosophy and consider our core values? We're more likely to be handed core values on a platter while someone else's philosophy is shoved down our throat.

When we choose to unschool we grant credence to our children's philiosphies and values as well as our own. What a gift! If our kids never learn that the philosophies we live and work by must always come from other people, won't they be more likely to live lives that are consistent with their own beliefs? And aren't we happiest when the way we live is an extension of the things we believe?

I've found my way back to "I love this!". Phew!

The Computer (AKA A Thorn In My Side)

I'm going about this all wrong. That's what I was thinking when I reminded J about his idea to practice trombone and Japanese just before lunch. I suppose I would have felt completely different if he'd said "Okay," turned off the computer, and started practicing. That's not what happened. He was in the middle of a game and he didn't want to stop. I gently reminded him once more, then let it drop.

After lunch (he didn't even turn it off to eat!) we went to Park Day. While J played, I read some more of The Unschooling Handbook. The book just confirmed my misgivings! This is the line that really got me. Author, Mary Griffith, is referring to the parents' decision to let their child quit taking lessons of one kind or another:

"It is important to listen carefully to your child, to help her evaluate the alternatives, and make sure she doesn't base her decision on others' wishes for her instead of her own best interests. Fortunately, because of their experience with choosing and evaluating their own learning activities, unschoolers usually find themselves well prepared to make such potentially life-changing decisions."

It's not that J wants to quit his lessons. He loves them. It's just that I'm freaking out about computer use, so he's not really getting any experience with "choosing and evaluating [his] own learning activities." I'm evaluating them for him and I'm not liking them--one of them, anyway.

So, I told myself to relax and it actually helped. We ended up having a terrific evening and the computer played a very minor roll, just a walk-on, really, in our activities. And I let J choose everything. Mostly. Okay, I may have (ever so subtly) suggested alternative activities whenever he neared the computer, but I only ever suggested anything once. Shock of all shocks, one of the suggestions happened to include putting something away and he thanked me for reminding him!

So the day had a happy ending, but this swinging pendulum is starting to wear me down. I need to mellow out. And I need to join that ISP. The woman wasn't there last week at chess--only her husband--and I really wanted to talk to her, so I put off joining until next week. I need for her to tell me everything will be okay!

I've had a couple nice comments on this blog over the past few days, though, and they've definitely helped. So, if any of you seasoned unschoolers have any words of wisdom, or if you'd like to do the online equivalent of grabbing me by the shoulders, looking me in the eye, and shouting "Mellow Out! It'll be okay!" Please feel free to do so. Actually, I take back the shouting part. A whisper might be better. I'm feeling kind of fragile.