I Gave Good Advice!

Today I got a comment from someone on and older post (way back on August 28, 2008) so I went back and read what I had written all those months ago--and it was pretty darn good! I'm going to re-post it here because, you know, it's easier to cut and paste than it is to think up something new. And besides that, my "creative organizing" (i.e., slovenly ways) have gotten the better of me and I can't find the stupid piece of paper I need in order to register for my college classes, so I'm going to have to spend the day combing through every single, stupid, bloody piece of paper in my entire house. Ugh! A messy desk may be the sign of a creative mind, but I'm thinking a dash of order might come in handy now and then.

Anyway, on to better things....

Advice for the New Unschooler

We're coming up on our first homeschooling anniversary. And three days after that will be our first unschooling anniversary. Yes, we lasted a full three days in school at home mode before both Jerry and I were in separate rooms crying and I tossed my hands in the air (onto the computer keyboard, actually) and googled "unschooling."

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I would say to myself if I could travel back in time and give my new unschooler self a few words of advice from my not-so-new unschooler self.

The very first thing I would say is that she should throw the whole one month for every year in school thing out the window. You've heard that right? "It takes one month for every year a kid spends in school to rediscover his love of learning." Here's the thing about that: first of all, as the parent that puts you in a bit of a holding pattern. You're waiting for something to happen. You're looking for "learning" all the time. You can't wait for x number of months (it was five for us) to be over so the real unschooling can begin. But here's the thing about that: It's already begun. The unschooling started the day your child walked out of the classroom for good. It's going to look different as time passes and in the beginning it'll throw you off because either you might not see the value in what they're doing or it won't look anything like learning. But relax. Someday it will.

In fact, that's something else I'd tell my new unschooler self: Drop the word "learning" from your vocabulary. It might be different for other kids but my son came out of school with very strong feelings about learning--none of them good. So even when I insisted he was learning by sitting around playing video games and watching TV all day (even though I didn't have much faith in that at the time), I was still putting emphasis on something he didn't value. Now, I know Jerry does value learning. But when he is learning about something he enjoys (using Microsoft Paint to create new Pokemon, for example--that's what he's been up to lately) he doesn't consider it learning. To Jerry, learning is being forced to remember or do something that isn't interesting to him or has no relation to his life. To me, it's gathering information and creating a deeper understanding of the world we inhabit. But since our definitions are so different why not just lose the word altogether?

So what should my new unschooler self be doing while she's not talking about learning or looking for it in her son? Follow her bliss! This is one of the things I like best about homeschooling (and unschooling in particular because it seems to allow more time for this kind of thing). Have you always wished you'd paid attention in physics class? Get yourself a book and start reading about it. And when you get excited about something share it with your child. Don't share it in an "I want you to know this" way. Share in a "look what I just discovered--isn't it awesome!" way. Excitement is contagious. And though your child may never become excited about electrons moving from one atom to another or the second law of thermodynamics, he'll see that you're excited about learning (even though you won't call it that!) and that right there is a very important lesson!

Now, on to the big bad television and video games: In the last few months I've realized what a huge mistake it was to express my distaste for video games so loudly. Children are already bombarded with images of kids who like to play video games as losers. Compare this to kids who are obsessed with sports. How do we view those kids? We support their interest. We sign them up for team sports and encourage them to improve. But with video games we're just hoping they'll lose interest. So what message are we sending? Are we saying gamers really are losers? I think we might be. So I would tell my new unschooler self, right from the very beginning, to stop separating video game/computer time from other play time. In other words, try not to think of it as something "other" or bad.

I know this is really hard. My son was in a Waldorf school before we started this journey so we had serious restrictions on video game and computer use. We didn't ban them completely but they were not an option during the school week and on weekends he was only allowed a few hours of "screen time." But since the unschooling philosophy requires a parent to take her child's interests seriously, once we started unschooling I couldn't continue to look at Jerry's interest in video games as something that was worthless. By virtue of the fact that my son was interested in spending his time in front of the screen, the screen had worth.

For months I struggled with this. I was extremely uncomfortable with the amount of time he was spending in front of the tv, at the computer, or playing video games. I'm still not comfortable with the idea of spending all day in front of a screen but I keep my mouth shut--it's been a year now and he does it less and less. He finds interest in other things, seeks out my company and asks to play board games or draw or do things that I couldn't get him interested in when we began.

So I would also ask my new unschooler self--no, wait, I would insist--that she carefully consider the message she is sending to her child when she places negative judgments on the things that are near and dear to his heart.

I think that's it for now. I'm sure I'll come up with other ideas. In fact, if anyone else wants to put a similar post up at their own blog, I'd be happy to put a link to it here. I figure the new unschoolers need all the help and encouragement they can get. It's a rough few months when you're first starting out, questioning everything you ever believed about learning and parenting and trying to wrap your head around a style of learning that looks suspiciously like doing nothing. But once you make that paradigm shift "doing nothing" suddenly becomes "living joyfully" and things start to fall into place.

-written by me, on August 28, 2008

Less than thirty minutes later: I found it! I found the paper I needed after only 20 minutes of looking. It was in Jerry's desk of all places! I never would have looked in there except that Jerry's desk is now my desk, so I started cleaning it out and there it was! I can register for my classes now. Yippee!

Advice For The New Unschooler

We're coming up on our first homeschooling anniversary. And three days after that will be our first unschooling anniversary. Yes, we lasted a full three days in school at home mode before both Jerry and I were in separate rooms crying and I tossed my hands in the air (onto the computer keyboard, actually) and googled "unschooling."

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I would say to myself if I could travel back in time and give my new unschooler self a few words of advice from my not-so-new unschooler self.

The very first thing I would say is that she should throw the whole one month for every year in school thing out the window. You've heard that right? "It takes one month for every year a kid spends in school to rediscover his love of learning." Here's the thing about that: first of all, as the parent that puts you in a bit of a holding pattern. You're waiting for something to happen. You're looking for "learning" all the time. You can't wait for x number of months (it was five for us) to be over so the real unschooling can begin. But here's the thing about that: It's already begun. The unschooling started the day your child walked out of the classroom for good. It's going to look different as time passes and in the beginning it'll throw you off because either you might not see the value in what they're doing or it won't look anything like learning. But relax. Someday it will.

In fact, that's something else I'd tell my new unschooler self: Drop the word "learning" from your vocabulary. It might be different for other kids but my son came out of school with very strong feelings about learning--none of them good. So even when I insisted he was learning by sitting around playing video games and watching TV all day (even though I didn't have much faith in that at the time), I was still putting emphasis on something he didn't value. Now, I know Jerry does value learning. But when he is learning about something he enjoys (using Microsoft Paint to create new Pokemon, for example--that's what he's been up to lately) he doesn't consider it learning. To Jerry, learning is being forced to remember or do something that isn't interesting to him or has no relation to his life. To me, it's gathering information and creating a deeper understanding of the world we inhabit. But since our definitions are so different why not just lose the word altogether?

So what should my new unschooler self be doing while she's not talking about learning or looking for it in her son? Follow her bliss! This is one of the things I like best about homeschooling (and unschooling in particular because it seems to allow more time for this kind of thing). Have you always wished you'd paid attention in physics class? Get yourself a book and start reading about it. And when you get excited about something share it with your child. Don't share it in an "I want you to know this" way. Share in a "look what I just discovered--isn't it awesome!" way. Excitement is contagious. And though your child may never become excited about electrons moving from one atom to another or the second law of thermodynamics, he'll see that you're excited about learning (even though you won't call it that!) and that right there is a very important lesson!

Now, on to the big bad television and video games: In the last few months I've realized what a huge mistake it was to express my distaste for video games so loudly. Children are already bombarded with images of kids who like to play video games as losers. Compare this to kids who are obsessed with sports. How do we view those kids? We support their interest. We sign them up for team sports and encourage them to improve. But with video games we're just hoping they'll lose interest. So what message are we sending? Are we saying gamers really are losers? I think we might be. So I would tell my new unschooler self, right from the very beginning, to stop separating video game/computer time from other play time. In other words, try not to think of it as something "other" or bad.

I know this is really hard. My son was in a Waldorf school before we started this journey so we had serious restrictions on video game and computer use. We didn't ban them completely but they were not an option during the school week and on weekends he was only allowed a few hours of "screen time." But since the unschooling philosophy requires a parent to take her child's interests seriously, once we started unschooling I couldn't continue to look at Jerry's interest in video games as something that was worthless. By virtue of the fact that my son was interested in spending his time in front of the screen, the screen had worth.

For months I struggled with this. I was extremely uncomfortable with the amount of time he was spending in front of the tv, at the computer, or playing video games. I'm still not comfortable with the idea of spending all day in front of a screen but I keep my mouth shut--it's been a year now and he does it less and less. He finds interest in other things, seeks out my company and asks to play board games or draw or do things that I couldn't get him interested in when we began.

So I would also ask my new unschooler self--no, wait, I would insist--that she carefully consider the message she is sending to her child when she places negative judgments on the things that are near and dear to his heart.

I think that's it for now. I'm sure I'll come up with other ideas. In fact, if anyone else wants to put a similar post up at their own blog, I'd be happy to put a link to it here. I figure the new unschoolers need all the help and encouragement they can get. It's a rough few months when you're first starting out, questioning everything you ever believed about learning and parenting and trying to wrap your head around a style of learning that looks suspiciously like doing nothing. But once you make that paradigm shift "doing nothing" suddenly becomes "living joyfully" and things start to fall into place.

Great Advice For Talking To Relatives

There are so many things I want to tell you about the HSC Learning Without Limits Conference but I'm going to pace myself and tell you about it a little at a time. I will tell you that I was buzzing with excitement the entire weekend. I made some new friends, learned some new things, and my feeling that unschooling is the right path for us was absolutely, 100% confirmed (again and again).

Now I'm going to share the most important nugget of wisdom I found amidst the gold mine of information at the conference. It came from Pam Sorooshian.

On the last day of the conference I cornered Pam in the hallway outside the ballroom where we'd just watched a fabulous slide show of photos from the weekend. I'd been dying to ask here one particular question and hadn't found the opportunity yet.

What I wanted to know was this: "How should I respond to my mother-in-law when she says that if Jerry doesn't have to do some things he doesn't want to do now, he'll never learn to do the things in life that none of us really want to do, but need to get done nonetheless?"

Warren's mom has mentioned her concern about this a few times and I could never really answer her because I guess a small part of me wondered the same thing. I suspected that, just like the rest of us, he would do some things he didn't really want to do because he'd have a conflicting need that would trump his desire to avoid the unappealing chore. For example, even though I hate washing dishes, I do wash them because I hate having dishes piled on my counter even more than I hate washing dishes. Pam confirmed that this was true.

Then she asked, "Do you really want him doing things he doesn't want to do?"

Wow. When you put it that way I guess I'd have to say no. Not at all. Pam pointed out that she has three girls and she definitely does not want her girls feeling obliged to do things they aren't comfortable with. That put a whole new twist on the question.

She suggested asking my mother-in-law, "What is your real concern?"

"Not being capable of doing things he doesn't want to do" is very general. Is she worried that he won't wash his dishes or clean his house as an adult? That one I can handle.

Or is she worried that he won't have the tenacity to reach his goals? I have to admit, I've asked myself this question, too.

Pam pointed out that most of us want our children to find meaningful work that they love so they won't have to do things they don't want to do--like go to a job they hate. Yes, they may need to, say, take a job they aren't crazy about as a stepping stone to the job of their dreams, but that's about seeing the big picture and goal setting--it's not being able to do unappealing activities.

Does Jerry see the big picture? Yes, he does. Most of the time. And when he's unable to see the whole thing Warren and I are there to fill in the gaps. Is he able to set goals? Pam said he probably does it all the time with video games. And he does. That's what video games are, right? You set a goal to beat the game and you work at each level, beating them one by one, until you've reached it. Are video game goals the only goals he's interested in at the moment? No, but video games do feature prominently in most of them. He wants to design video games and thanks to a program we discovered this weekend (more about that later!) he's well on his way. He wants to build a gaming computer and we're darn close to reaching that one (we'll start as soon as we get back home). He wants to beat all four Guitar Heroes. He does know how to reach goals but they're his own goals for himself. Not mine.

So that tidbit was one of the best things about the conference. I'll get to the rest later.

On the homecoming front, Jerry and I were supposed to be driving home today but Weird Al Yankovic is playing tonight at the State Fair so it looks like we'll be staying one more night--Jerry can't stand the thought of missing it.

I never in my life expected to find myself at a Weird Al concert. Ever.

Silence is Golden

That's the rule I've been trying to remember lately. And I've been doing pretty well. For example, when Jerry and I were reading over the information on how to choose parts for a gaming PC the other day and after about 15 minutes he decided he wanted to get up and play with balloons, which sent memories of trying to get him to do his homework and him deciding he wanted to get up and run around the house flashing through my brain, my first thought was, "But we should be reading this." My second thought was, "Relax, you spastic, brainwashed-by-years-of-school, freaker-outer and just have fun with your son."

So I did. And when he was batting at balloons and I was throwing them and we were talking about the air currents and resistance and laughing and our bodies were lunging and bending and we were working up a sweat, I did not say, "Hey, we're doing science and getting really good exercise! We should do this more often."

When we tired of playing with balloons I suggested that he might like to work on his marble run while I read out loud about the computer components. (I know. I know. I couldn't let it go--but he agreed!)So he worked and I read and eventually his attention shifted to putting streamers on our front door for the cats to play with. When he asked for my help I didn't even think about saying, "We should keep reading this." (See how I'm improving!) I just helped. And when he said "Hey, let's go to the party store and get some silly string!," we hopped in the car and came back with three cans of silly string, two glow sticks, and more balloons. By this time I was done thinking. I was just having fun. We sprayed the silly string in our front yard and when it got dark Jerry broke out the glow sticks.

He swirled them around and around while I took pictures. This is his name in cursive.

The next day (that was yesterday) we went to Universal Studios with some friends and when, very early in the day, Jerry said he was ready to leave I didn't say, "Why did I spend $300 to take you and a friend to Universal Studios if we were only going to stay for a few hours?" Oh wait, I actually let that one slip.

But after that I diligently kept all other toxic thoughts to myself. I was following the other rule, "If you can't think of something nice to say don't say anything at all." And I was trying not to let my body language say mean things either. I reminded myself that we came to Universal Studios to have fun. Not to have a specific number of hours of fun. Just to have fun. And by the time we got back to the car it was fun again. Phew!

To Alistair (An Argument In Favor Of Unschooling)

I started writing a response to Alistair, who was kind enough to come back and elaborate on his earlier comment about unschooling being “woefully irresponsible” in his eyes, but then I realized I was running out of space and (on a more exciting note) I sounded like I knew what I was talking about, so I decided I’d better make it a regular post. (I really have got to take advantage of those moments when I sound like I know what I'm talking about!) I've struggled with explaining unschooling to people this past year. Usually I direct them to the web sites or blogs of more experienced, and more eloquent, people. I just can't seem to put into words why I think it's a great way to live--and a smart way to "teach." But Alistair seems to have helped me find my voice.

So here goes:
Thanks, Alistair, for coming back and explaining your views a bit more. I can see how you would think that. Honestly, I was very wary when we began this journey (it wasn’t even a year ago) and I'm only just starting to see how full Jerry’s education might be (very full indeed!), without looking like Education at all.

You wrote that by allowing Jerry to focus on the interests he already has (video games, animation, computers, etc.) he wouldn’t be exposed to other subjects and ideas. What's amazing is how all of the things he's interested in somehow link to ideas, concepts and subjects that are totally unrelated. For example, one online game he likes right now allows him to create volcanoes, tidal waves, and all kinds of other natural disasters (he could probably create other things but he prefers disasters...) and this brings up all kinds of questions about geology. He's reading the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series right now, which relates to the Greek Gods and mythology (with some architecture and history thrown in). He’s crazy about manga, which leads to art and drawing and Japanese history (he’s learning Japanese). I happen to be completely gaga over physics at the moment (an unexpected turn of events, I assure you!) so I'm constantly sharing what I'm learning with him and my excitement is contagious. We have a book called "Backyard Ballistics" with instructions for how to make rockets and potato cannons and other (kind of scary!) contraptions that all deal in some way with science. We’re really into this book right now and often find ourselves doing experiments where we create theories and hypotheses (though we just call it playing and talking). Even every day conversations or just listening to the radio brings up questions. We heard an ad on the radio yesterday that claimed "energy can't be stored" and Jerry wondered if that was true so we're finding out.

And do you really think school (I mean pre-university) is the best place to be exposed to new ideas? Really? It may seem that way if you think about it on a surface level, but if you go deeper and spend more time thinking about where and how you discovered the ideas and concepts that have shaped your life, my guess is they didn’t come from school. Or if they did happen to be things you discovered in school it was probably outside of school (or maybe at university) where your interest in those ideas and concepts was allowed to flourish.

You said understanding the concepts of competition and testing is important to adult life. As far as I can tell, in the adult world, tests seem to be restricted to university classrooms and the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles, for you foreigners!). And I’m not sure what there is to understand about them. There’s a question and you answer it. I think he already gets that. I know I’m being a little glib here but I honestly don’t think a kid needs to go to school to understand the concepts of testing. Competition abounds in school so maybe he’d get a competitive edge by being there but I doubt it. He’s not a very competitive kid and I’d be surprised if he turned into a very competitive adult. I don’t think going to school would change that. And really, I think he’ll garner all he needs to know about competition through his regular everyday interactions with people. Some people are competitive, some aren’t. Sometimes you have to step up and compete, sometimes you don’t. I’m confident he’ll figure that one out.


As far as school being an essential part of emotional development goes, I think interacting with people is very important. Less important is where that interaction takes place. In school, children spend a good deal of their time at desks, listening to teachers, with short bursts of time for real interaction in between classes and at lunch or recess. The interaction that comes from schooling at home is much more natural and much more similar to the interactions that take place in the adult world: there’s no segregation by age; no school bell to signal the end of an intriguing conversation (or game of tag); and people generally don’t pigeon-hole you into a role or social position that has little to do with who you are as a person and more to do with playground politics.

As far as the decision to keep a child home as a selfish act caused by separation anxiety goes: I guess there could be some mothers out there like that, but I’ve never met one. The homeschooling mothers I know don’t feel any more separation anxiety than the mothers I know who send their kids to school. But they do seem to relish their kids company a little more. There’s not as much of a separation between kid and parents. There’s more of a feeling that the family is a team. I think part of that comes from the fact that since the kids aren’t in school, there’s no pressure to think of parents as uncool. The homeschooled kids I’ve met enjoy their parents company but they also enjoy being with their friends. They seem to find a balance without deeming one or the other unfit. I think that’s pretty cool.

You mentioned that Steiner Schools practice the unschooling philosophy in a classroom setting. Believe it or not, my son went to a Steiner school for five years before we started homeschooling. It’s a common misconception that Steiner (or Waldorf, as they’re called in the States) schools allow a progressive, child-led style of learning. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes, the concepts are taught based on where the children are developmentally but the school is extremely structured. There are lots of things I like about the Steiner philosophy but it’s very different from unschooling--very different! Completely bonzo different! But that is an entire post in and of itself!!

Thanks again, Alistair, for coming back and helping me to find my voice. And thanks readers (have I said lately that I love you guys?) for not verbally attacking Alistair for his differing opinion.

Now we are off to make taffy!!

How To Avoid An Outburst

I have just finished a bowl of pasta with kalamata olives, feta cheese and tomatoes smothered in Italian dressing. The pasta was really just a vehicle for getting the cheese and olives into my mouth. My mouth is very happy now. I'm also sipping a nearly finished Monteith's Original Ale. That's good too.

It's been two days since Bad Day/Bad Mom and I think I've figured a few things out. First of all pretty much everyone (okay, everyone) that left comments to that last post agreed that it's alright for Mom to lose her cool every now and then; many people commented on the fact that I probably just need some time to myself (Amen!); and all agreed that it's okay to not feel ready for a hug just because your child wants one. I gratefully respond to each and everyone one of you: "Phew! Unschooling doesn't mean I have to be perfect!?"

The day after our Bad Night I remained emotionally removed from everything and everyone. We met Caroline, the wife of Warren's co-worker, and her three-year-old son for lunch--our husbands were miraculously able to break away from work with the rest of the editing crew--so I had to put on a happy face which, no doubt, was a good thing. After lunch we went to a place called Clip 'n' Climb for some indoor rock climbing with Caroline and her adorable, way to young to cause such problems, son. I looked longingly at his innocent little face all day, trying to conjure up the Jerry I used to know. Oh fine, I'm being dramatic. I really like the Jerry I know today. (I liked the three-year-old Jerry, too. Did I ever tell you how he used to tell everyone his name was Batman? Strangers would ask him his name and with a perfectly straight face he'd say "Batman." When said person laughed and said "Oh, how sweet, but what's your real name?" He'd look at them like they were completely daft and say, "Batman, idiot." Actually, he left out the idiot part, but you could tell he was thinking it.)

So, we passed the day as if we were under water (We did have fun at the rock climbing though!) and on the bus ride home finally talked about the previous night. We both agreed that we weren't quite over it yet but it felt better (at last) to talk about it.

Now, back to what I've figured out or, How To Avoid An Outburst (for a while, anyway):
1. Get some alone time. I need it. Enough said.
2. Stop doing all the work around the house on my own. Even though I didn't think it bothered me that I was doingdishescookingdinner-
groceryshoppingwashinglaundrymakingbedssweepingcleaningpayingbills all by myself while Jerry lounged on the couch, I realize now I was, subliminally, very bitter about it. So I'm going to start asking Jerry to pitch in more.
3. Buy some soothing herbal tea (in lieu of heavy drugs). I find tea--especially English Breakfast or Earl Grey--really soothing and I've required four to five cups of soothing a day since we got here. So I bought some Sleepytime tea in hopes that it will knock me out. (I'm already using Rescue Remedy Sleep and it's not working!)
4. Read Eat Pray Love--again. I didn't realize I needed this until I bought it today as a birthday gift for someone. I started rereading it on the bus ride to the party and didn't want to give it up when our ride ended. So I bought another copy for myself. In fact, I think I'll go to bed right now and get reading.

(But first, while we're on the topic of books, I have to say that the recent New York Times article, It's Not You, It's Your Books, has given me a total complex. I've been thinking about what my favorite books say about me and I'm afraid they might say I'm shallow and girlie. First off the only two books I've read twice (and loved both times) are Pride and Prejudice and I Capture the Castle. I also loved Lolita, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles, Saturday, The Goat (or, Who is Sylvia), loads of short stories, and a bunch of other un-girlie stuff. But I'm thinking the two (soon to be three) books I've read twice don't sound very impressive. That's all. I just wanted to get that off my chest.)

More Good Advice

JJ from Cocking a Snook! offered a terrific analogy in response to my last post, Ban on Traditional Homeschooling Blogs. It was advice she remembered reading in an article written by the mother of a child with disabilities. I don't mean to minimize the experience of having a child with disabilities by comparing it to choosing to unschool, but her advice is relevant to so many aspects of life. I swear, it was like a light bulb went off in my head when JJ mentioned it. I found the article and was going to reprint a portion of it on my blog but I wasn't sure if I should do it without the author's permission, so I'm providing a link instead. Go read it!!

Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley

Recommended Reading for Newbies

I just wanted to share a few posts with you from Laura at Wistful Wanderlust. I highly recommend reading all three of them, especially if you're relatively new to unschooling, or you've started unschooling an older child. They're a joy to read and give a really honest representation of her journey.

Unschooling Q&A: How Did We Get Here?
In Part One Laura talks about the paradigm shift that led her to unschooling.

Unschooling Q&A: How Did We Get Here? Part II
Part Two chronicles her journey from mainstream parent to alternative parent to unschooler.

Unschooling Q&A: How Did We Get Here? Part III
Part three delves into the bane of my existence for the first few months of unschooling, "screen time."

Enjoy!

5 Dangerous Things You Should Let Your Kids Do

Here's a terrific video clip from Ted.com, one of the best sites in the entire world. It's a talk given by Gever Tully of The Tinkering School. Basically he says we should let our kids play with fire, own a pocketknife, get behind the wheel of a car (uh, before they can see over the dashboard), and a couple other things. His point is that kids feel empowered when they get the opportunity to explore these often forbidden experiences. They learn things they could never learn just by watching a demonstration or hearing a lecture from a well-meaning parent. Sounds a little unschoolish, doesn't it?

Video Game Bonanza/Rule Three

This Christmas was a video game bonanza for Jerry. He got a bunch of games for his Wii and a few DS games so he's been happily playing video games for the last few days. Jerry beat the medium level on the 80's version of Guitar Hero and he an Warren have been having a great time working their way through all the songs.

We're visiting my parents right now and will return home tomorrow. As soon as I get back I'm going to put a timeline up in the stairway of our house. I've been thinking of doing it for a while now and was inspired by Holly at Unschool Days to finally create one. I'm starting it for myself, really, but I hope Jerry will add to it eventually.

That seems to be one of the keys to making unschooling work. As a parent you need to pursue your own learning without any expectations that your child will follow along. If they do--great. If they don't you need to respect their choice. I'm thinking that enthusiasm can go a long way toward getting people (kids) interested in learning about something, but forcing that enthusiasm on somebody probably doesn't do much good. So, I'm starting the timeline for myself. I'm going to share my excitement with Jerry and hope he gets involved. I'll let you know how it goes.

Actually, I just realized that this could be another one of my RULES FOR UNSCHOOLING. Rules probably go against the whole point of unschooling, now that I think about it, but I'm creating them anyway because I think they're things I need to remember--things that will make my life easier if I can manage to remember them, that is. So Here's Rule three:

PURSUE YOUR OWN LEARNING FREE OF EXPECTATIONS THAT YOUR CHILD WILL FOLLOW ALONG.

Here's a recap the three things I need to remember:

1.) Don't assume that what works for one family will work for my own.

2.) Honor my child's feelings.

3.) Pursue my own learning free of expectations that my child will follow along.

I can think of a few more things to add to that list, now that I think about it. But I'll save those rules for another day.

Angst Free Deschooling

Just kidding. I don't think it's possible to be completely free of angst as a parent--let alone when you're deschooling. But, thanks to the many helpful comments I've received over the last few days, I think I can provide a pretty good list of things to remember when angst starts creeping up on you.

1. Breathe. (Thanks Caren!)

2. Remember: This too shall pass. (Thanks Holly!)

3. A bit of mental "jet lag" or a bereavement period after leaving school is to be expected. Don't panic. Allow your child to wade through this period at his or her own pace. We all need to learn how to navigate our way out of the doldrums. (Thanks Lynn, Suze, & Heather!)

4. Look at the big picture. Your child may be having a hard time today, but are things worse than when he or she was at school? Probably not.(Thanks Lynn!)

5. Instead of fretting over your child's state of mind offer support. Bake yummy treats, snuggle up together, create fun activities. If your child doesn't take the bait see numbers 1 and 2. (Thanks Jessica, JJ, & Terri!)

6. Is your child an adolescent? A lot of what he or she is going through could have more to do with hormones than unschooling. See numbers 1 and 2. (Thanks Sheri!)

There you have it. The Almost Angst Free Deschooling List, courtesy of the fabulous people who read and comment on this blog. Thanks to everyone for your suggestions. Ha! I just thought of a number 7--this is my own suggestion:

7. Start a blog. Then you, too, will have fabulous people reading and commenting on YOUR blog! Be sure to let me know when you do. I may not have much wisdom to offer yet but I can commiserate with you--and trust me, that's worth a lot!

Rule Two

I narrowly avoided causing another "incident" on Friday. Yes, it could have been the "chess incident" all over again but, I'm happy to say, sometimes I do learn from my mistakes.

Jerry had said he wanted to take a survival class through our homeschool group, so we signed up for two classes, the first of which took place last Friday. I was really looking forward to this class. We were going to learn about edible plants in the wilderness and I thought it would be really cool. Jerry had had a stomach flu the previous day but seemed fine that morning so we drove to the class. Once we got there and the other students started to arrive Jerry leaned on me and said he was sorry but he didn't feel good and he wanted to go home.

Now, I was helped out by the fact that he'd been sick the day before. If he'd been well I might have fallen into the old habit of insisting we stay because, after all, I drove all that way and I paid for it. But since Jerry had been sick I really had to consider his feelings seriously.

I took some deep breaths (being especially conscious not to turn them into heavy sighs) then told the woman who had organized the class that Jerry wasn't feeling well and we were going to leave but we'd see her at the next class. We got into the car and drove toward home.

So far so good, right? Well, what I should have done was just say "I understand" and drop it. But, I'm a beginner. I had to talk. "Blah, blah, blah blah. You know, if you want to make friends you need to put yourself out there. Blah, blah. You've got to talk to people. Blah. These classes are such a great way to make new friends but if you never want to stay.....". You get the picture.

Even as I was speaking I knew I should shut up. Eventually I did (I came to my senses after just a few minutes.) and asked if he'd like to stop for a bagel. So, we went to the bagel place where we used to go when he was in kindergarten and before we walked in the door Jerry hugged me and said "I love you, Mom. I know you really wanted to take that class and I'm sorry. But thanks for leaving."

Isn't that sweet? It made me think back to "Chess Incident" (you can read it for an example of one of my less than stellar parenting days). I was really struck by the different outcomes of the two similar situations. The chess incident started out much the same way the survival class did: I signed him up, paid for the class, drove 30 miles to get him there and then he told me he was too tired for chess and wanted to leave. But it ended with anger, hurt feelings, sadness, and the literal shoveling of shit--I sent him out back to pick up dog poop when we got home. (So sad! I feel really bad about that now.)

This time, though, I told myself that his needs were real. I knew I could sign up for an edible plant class some other time. It was not a big deal to leave. What was more important was to show Jerry that I took his needs seriously. So I did. I wasn't perfect (I had to talk!). But I didn't get mad. Instead of ending the scene with two people feeling awful, we ended up sharing a bagel and drinks, having a nice conversation, and appreciating each other's company. What a difference!

But wait! There's more! Learning this lesson has helped in other ways, too. I signed up to take a circus class with the homeschoolers because I thought Jerry would really like it, but he didn't want to join. He just wanted to watch to see if he would like the class. So, I took the class on my own. Now, Jerry had said he'd watch the class, but instead he played in another room with one of the other kids. I wondered if I should suggest that he stop playing and come watch (the whole point of me taking it was so he would join in eventually) but I didn't. The next week he didn't even feel like watching so I went to the class without him--no fuss or fight. I just said okay and I really was okay with it. (I love that class and there was no way I was going to miss it!) Now this week he says he wants to join! Yippee!

So, after two months I have finally discovered my second rule of unschooling. I'll write it out in caps again like I did the first rule:

HONOR YOUR CHILD'S FEELINGS.

Good things happen when you do.

Unschoolers On Video Games

When my son was just a few months old we were visiting the pediatrician and the doctor reached over, laid his hand on top of mine, looked me in the eyes and said, "You're doing a good job." I was so relieved. I knew he probably said that to all the new mothers, but that didn't lighten the impact of his comment at all. I still get teary when I think of it. :)

The following links are the online equivalent to that steady hand and reassuring voice, only they're related to one aspect of parenting--the video game conundrum. To regulate or not to regulate, that is the question. And the answer from many unschoolers is a resounding "No."

I can just imagine many of these seasoned unschoolers shaking their heads at me as I create compromises and schedules for Jerry's video game use. I don't imagine them doing it in a mean or condescending way. I just see a wise, friendly face smiling at me with a look that says "Why are you putting yourself through this? Relax. Love your son. Everything will be okay." To tell you the truth, just imagining that compassionate face, exuding confidence in me and my ability to (eventually) get it right makes me feel better.

So here is a compilation of posts written by people who are much wiser than me. They haven't all taken the same route or come to the same conclusion, but they have examined their choices, kept an open mind, and made decisions that honor their children's interests and their own feelings.

"Sex, Lies & Video Games" was written by Sheri at matteroffaith.com. Be sure to read the comments because both Sheri and her husband responded to a question I left in the comments section and their answers are really helpful.

The Great Video Game Experiment from Swiss Army Wife details what one mother learned from letting her son have thirty days of unlimited video games.

Tammy Takahashi over at Just Enough, and Nothing More is a veritable fountain of wisdom. You can read her take on video games and other all consuming interests in her post entitled "My Kid Will Play Video Games All Day!". While you're at it you should check out Tammy's 5 Deschooling Tips (for Homeschoolers).

This is a post called Is Your Love for Your Kids Controlling? over at Cocking a Snook. The title pretty much says it all. Be sure to check the comments of this posting (the one you're reading now--on my blog) because JJ and Nance from Cocking a Snook had some really helpful things to say.

There are more links that I'd like to include here but I think it's time for me to get off the computer. I'll come back and add them later.

I'd like to end this post with a bit of wisdom from Jerry--something he learned from watching Looney Toons this morning. "Mom, do you know why the roadrunner can run so fast?" he said. "It's because he has no limits. He just believes he can so he does."

Just so you know, I'm adding to this post as I find more information.

Added 11/14/07: Here's something I can't believe I missed before...Sandra Dodd has a whole page with links to articles about video games and their benefits. You'll find it here.

Degrees Of Unschooling

I've included some pictures of our kittens today. They have absolutely nothing to do with this posting.

Last week I felt such a sense of relief. I really thought I was settling in to the deschooling groove. I wasn't having all kinds of angst over televsion or computer use (it was down). It was so freeing not to think of the television or computer as evil. When Jerry was playing a game, or watching a show, I wasn't feeling like a terrible parent for letting him do it. For all these years, almost every time he's in front of a screen, I've felt like I was not parenting the way I wanted to or the way I "should." Last week, though, there was a shift. Instead of thinking "He's watching television--I'm a bad parent." I just thought "He's watching television." So that was one milestone in the deschooling process that I definitely felt.

I've been thinking a lot about degrees of unschooling lately. I mean, first of all (and I know this sounds really dumb and will show how judgemental I can be) it had never even occurred to me that a thinking, intelligent parent would ever allow their child to watch television or sit in front of the computer all day. I had just assumed (backed up by a fair amount of research) that these things were bad for children and that any parent who allowed unlimited time in front of them was not parenting very well. It certainly never occurred to me that allowing unlimited screen time could be a conscious choice! So, my eyes have been opened and I'm trying to fit this recognition into our lives.

Like many parents who come to unschooling later in their child's life, I struggle with finding the right degree of unschooling for my family. I've read posts by other moms, and I've written a fair amount of them myself on this blog, that reveal a real sense of inner turmoil surrounding how much freedom we should give a child to make his or her own choices. On the one hand, there's a belief in the principles of unschooling and a budding sense of certainty that unschooling makes much more sense than the education and the lifestyle that most of us grew up with. On the other hand there's a lifetime of programming and stacks of parenting books that say children require limits--that they thrive on them.

It's confusing! I mean, we can't just flip a switch and reverse a lifetime of programming and beliefs. I'm doing my best to trust that Jerry is getting what he needs to have a happy, fulfilling life, however he chooses to define that. But years of expecting visible proof of learning die hard. As far as I've come in my own deschooling process, I still want to see results. But every time I try to influence Jerry's learning with more than a gentle nudge, or a book left open on the table, I wonder if I'm slowing the deschooling process. I worry that my desire for this evidence will somehow negate all the benefits I want him to experience as an unschooler.

This worrying doesn't help me though. I'm thinking that if there are degrees of unschooling, there can be degrees of starting to unschool. Why should I expect myself to make such a big leap right off the bat? Maybe there are ledges where I can stop along the way for a rest. Little outcrops where I can stop to assess the situation before taking the next jump.

So I'm going to try thinking more in terms of a slow decent instead of leaping into a void. I've got to stop worrying that I'm doing this the wrong way and just do what feels right to me. One of the best things I've learned in the process of researching unschooling and reading other blogs is not to negate my son's interests. This realization has been a real gift to both of us. If I really do take his wishes and interests into consideration, I can be sure that what feels right to me won't be wrong for him.

A Birthday Surprise

Jerry says his twelth birthday was his best ever. It was certainly full of surprises! The day before his birthday he received a card, completely out of the blue, from a family we had met at family camp last August. There was a check for $120.00 in it! $120.00!!! We hadn't spoken to this family since camp ended. It was such a wonderful, exciting, out of the blue thing for Jerry to find in the mail box.

He knew exactly what he wanted to buy with it. An electric guitar. So we went over to Guitar Center that same day and he bought a Les Paul junior. Jerry kept it a secret from his dad all day, so that when Warren got home he would be surprised. Boy was he!

When I told friends and family about the check almost everyone's first reaction was "That's weird." Isn't it sad the way we just can't wrap our heads around receiving gifts or sometimes even kind gestures from people we don't know very well? How fabulous for that family, to be in a position to surprise a twelve-year-old boy on his birthday. And how nice for Jerry to be on the receiving end of such kindness. It's not weird. It's wonderful!

There's a hilarious book by Danny Wallace called Join Me that addresses this very topic (among other things). Wallace placed an ad in a freebie newspaper that just said, "join me." He didn't say what joinees we're joining him for, just that they were to send a passport photo to his address if they were interested. The photos started pouring in. Before he knew it Wallace found himself leading a cult, only he had no idea what the cult was meant to do.

After much thought, and a few pints, Wallace created a first assignment for his followers'. It was simple. "Make an old man happy." They were to buy a random old man a cup of tea, pay for his bus fare, that kind of thing, and they did. Many of them even documented these acts with photos. Eventually, Wallace extended these random acts of kindness to everyone, regardless of age or gender, and the Karma Army was born. Wallace's followers would strive to practice one random act of kindness each week. The only stipulation was that it had to be random, unexpected, and kind.

As long as I'm on the subject of Danny Wallace his second book was just as good as "Join Me." It's called Yes Man. In this book Danny has taken the advice of a stranger on a bus who suggested he "say yes more." But instead of saying yes "more" he decides he'll say it all the time--to everything. It's laugh out loud funny but the book really gets you thinking about where a simple "yes" can lead.

I guarantee that if you read both of these books you'll say yes more and leave some surprised strangers feeling grateful, even if they do think you're a complete lunatic.

My Mantra & W.B. Yeats

"Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire."
-William Butler Yeats

I'm going to add that to my mantra. So, my new Beginning Unschooler Mantra is "Light the fire, watch it grow." That's much better than "We'll see." And it still leaves room for the unexpected--which is important since just about everything, at this stage of the game, is unexpected!

Since it was Yeats that inspired my new mantra, I'm going to post one of his poems. Last Christmas Warren, Jerry and I (I'm using full names now, by the way) went to visit my sister in Ireland and we went to the very same Hazel Wood Yeats mentions in this poem. The photos were taken there.

The Song of Wandering Angus

I went out to the hazel wood,
Because a fire was in my head,
And cut and peeled a hazel wand,
And hooked a berry to a thread:
And when white moths were on the wing,
And moth-like stars were flickering out,
I dropped the berry in a stream
And caught a little silver trout.

When I had laid it on the floor
I went to blow the fire aflame,
But something rustled on the floor,
And some one called me by my name:
It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair
Who called me by my name and ran
And faded through the brightening air.

Though I am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;
And walk among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.

-William Butler Yeats
Here we are in Hazel Wood. Going clockwise, that's my sister with her daughter Cora in the Baby Bjorn, then me, Warren, my nephew Carson, and Jerry.

Things To Do When You Start To Unschool

I've decided to come up with a list of Things To Do When You Start To Unschool. These are things I wish I'd done a month ago when we started this adventure. Some of them are still on my To Do list but I'll be checking them off soon (I swear!).

1. Take a daily multi-vitamin. This is first because it will help with the inevitable ups and downs that accompany any attempt to step outside the boundries of what our society calls "normal"--and, it's good for you. (I'm starting mine tomorrow!)



2. Read Teach Your Own by John Holt and Pat Farenga. It's so full of wisdom and common sense--you'll be a lot less likely to doubt your decision once you've read this book. (I'm only half way through and I can already say that!)



3. Relax! This is easier said than done, but thinking back to what you learned in school and how much of it you use on a daily basis will help. Also, try thinking of the first months of unschooling as a time to rekindle your relationship with your kid(s). Let the relationship be your focus instead of "Learning."


4. Develop your philosophy of education and write it down. This site will walk you through the process by asking all kinds of terrific questions. (I haven't done this yet either. If I had done it, I probably wouldn't have bored you to tears with those last few whine-o-rama sessions because I would have been able to reread my own personal education philosophy, thus reaffirming my choice to unschool and sparing you all the annoyance of listening to--I mean reading--that drivel.)

That's all I've come up with so far. Can you think of anything else I should add to the list?

Back On The Rollercoaster

Was it just yesterday that I said "I love this!"?

I woke up this morning with doubts. Maybe I've just misinterpreted the residual sadness from watching Japanese Story as unschooling doubt. Even so, I find that when I'm feeling doubtful the first thing I want to do is hide J's computer and whip out the Saxon math. Oh yeah, and assign lots of chores.

Luckily for J I wake up earlier than he does, so I have time to google things like "unschooling doubt" before my angst gets the better of me. This morning's google search led me to a gem of a web site. It's called The Home-School Curriculum Advisor and the page that was so helpful to me this morning was Unschooling: Is It Right For You?.

One of their suggestions is that, as a new homeschooler, you take some time to determine your core values and develop your educational philosophy. Mary Hood made the same suggestion in The Relaxed Home School. I really do need to solidify my beliefs. Maybe once I have a stronger grasp on my own personal philosophy and values my doubts will wane and this ride will level out a bit--the highs are fun but I could do without the lows.

Isn't homeschooling great though? How often, especially where education is concerned, are we asked to develop our own philosophy and consider our core values? We're more likely to be handed core values on a platter while someone else's philosophy is shoved down our throat.

When we choose to unschool we grant credence to our children's philiosphies and values as well as our own. What a gift! If our kids never learn that the philosophies we live and work by must always come from other people, won't they be more likely to live lives that are consistent with their own beliefs? And aren't we happiest when the way we live is an extension of the things we believe?

I've found my way back to "I love this!". Phew!

It's All About Me

One thing I've learned these past few weeks is that if my actions made a difference before, now that I'm unschooling (and this is probably true of traditional homeschooling as well) they REALLY make a difference. Part of the reason for this is that J and I are together more, but the main reason, I think, is that I'm setting the pace for our days. If I feel like hanging out and doing nothing, that's likely what we'll end up doing. If I'm feeling energetic we might do two field trips in one day. If I'm really interested in a subject, my enthusiasm can carry J along.

So the more interested I am in the world around me, the more successful our "unschool" will be. I love this! I feel like I've been given permission to really dive into all the subjects that have fascinated me over the years. I know this was probably true before we started homeschooling, but all of a sudden it's so clear to me that when I educate myself, I'm educating my family.

Good Advice

I'm going to start a collection of good advice for beginning unschoolers. Since I'm a beginner myself most of it will come from other people via comments on this site, conversations I've had, or books I've read. I do have one piece of advice to offer, though, so I'll start with that. It's the one and only thing I know for sure.

From me:

Don't assume that what works for one family will work for your own.

This is an excerpt from a comment on my blog by OrganicSister:

Let me tell you two things that I wish I knew from the get-go:
1st, the whole 1-month-per-yr-of-school thing is a crock! [She's referring to the deschooling process here.] Throw it out the window. My son went to school for two and a half years but it took me AND him about 8 months to deschool. Yours might be less or it might be more but it will rest mostly on your shoulders, so be prepared. ;-)
2nd, there is unschooling and there is radical unschooling. Unschooling gives freedom in education over to the child while radical unschooling applies the principle to their whole life. You can unschool without RUing but it tends to lead to RUing eventually. Just take it one day at a time and reevaluate every so often if you're both happy or need changes.

From the woman who runs the ISP we've just joined:

Unschooling doesn't mean unparenting. You're still the parent!

An excerpt from a comment on my blog by Tracy:

First, he's learning something from all of it. [She's referring to his daily activities.] In time you'll learn to embrace just "living it" and won't feel the need to pick apart all that is educational from every moment. Second, a good distraction...is just diving right into your own projects and interests. Next time check out stuff from the library for yourself. If he's interested, that's great! But don't think in terms of trying to sneak in educational stuff for his benefit.

More from Tracy:

One thing you might find helpful... my son is a computer nut, too. I find that whenever I start worrying about how much time he is spending (and yes, it occasionally happens even when you've been doing this for years) I just go to him and ask him to show me what he's doing. He loves to show me the games he is playing. He loves to make me play (I'm horrible!) and tell me, step by step, how to get things done...It's an interesting process. And honestly, my time is pretty limited because I tend to have a short fuse for some of these games...It's enough to keep my mind boggled by all the stuff he has picked up and to be awed by his direction-giving skills (he's 6). And it quells my anxiety when it rises. But mostly, it's a way to spend time with him doing something that gives him pleasure.

An excerpt from a comment by Tammy:

Keeping true to your family and to yourselves is more important than any label. You recognize relationships come first, and part of that is to be a parent. That's what kids expect of us. Yet you don't take your role for granted and you let your kids be their own people. Finding that balance - that's the key. And like you said, it's going to look different for every family.

From "The Relaxed Home School" page 52, by Mary Hood, Ph.D.

As long as you provide a variety of materials and experiences, and children are free to make their own choices, they will automatically select those items that will work best for them. When parents have accepted the value of allowing children to learn on their own in this manner, they sometimes go overboard and purposefully avoid instigating learning experiences themselves. There's never any harm in offering to help a youngster read a story, or asking them if they'd like to play a particular phonics game! The harm comes from forcing these activities when the children aren't interested. Often when this happens it's because the children are not yet ready for a particular experience. If you try something and it doesn't seem to be working, you can always back down and try something a little different later. That's one of the benefits of home schooling.

(By the way, Mary Hood will be speaking in the Los Angeles area on Novemver 2nd and 3rd. Click here for more information.)

I'll keep adding to this post as the advice rolls in or as I read and learn more. Let's hope it fills up fast!