Good Things

I love it when things just fall into place. I hope I'm not jinxing myself by putting this out there but everything seems to be going right this week. I love it! Good thing #1: Yesterday I went to visit my grandma in the hospital (not good that she's in the hospital but good I was able to visit). Jerry didn't want to go and I was worried about leaving him alone, but Warren was able to leave work early so it all worked out! Even better, it turned out that one of my very best friends, Jeff, was working near the hospital, so we were able to meet for dinner which was great because 1) I hadn't seen him in ages and 2) it enabled me to avoid rush hour traffic. In addition to seeing Jeff yesterday, I'm having lunch with one of my favorite people in all of Los Angeles (my friend Lisa) today and another friend from college is coming to visit next week--and he's spending the night so I'll get two whole days of fun! All of a sudden I have a wealth of friends around me! Will someone please remind me that I have friends next time I start whining about being lonely?

Other good things are happening too. Jerry's new Japanese tutor is terrific. Before he started with her I explained that I really just want him to have fun with the language and be comfortable speaking it. I suggested using some Japanese manga and Jerry's Japanese version of the newest Pokemon game for the DS as learning tools. She totally got it. Yesterday when I came to pick him up from his lesson they had been playing Uno in Japanese. She made him a cheat sheet with Japanese phrases like "I don't have," "What color?" and "I won!" She's great. And Jerry really likes her husband, too--it turns out they play some of the same online games.

Other good unschooling news: Jerry made up a new game called "Creative Spelling." We try to come up with the most bizarre spellings possible of different words. It's fun and educational...After all, you've got to be able to spell the word right if you want to be sure to spell it wrong!

But wait--I'm not done with the good news yet! The Jane Austen Ball is this weekend!! Yippee!! I love the Jane Austen Ball!! It's the only time I get to skip around a room with a bunch of other grown people without looking like a complete lunatic. Actually, I guess I still look like a lunatic but so does everyone else so, there you go. It's more like refined lunacy, though. See for yourself. This is from the 2006 ball:Then of course, I have my sister's homecoming to look forward to. She and her family arrive in San Francisco on Monday and then (joy of joys!) the inauguration is Tuesday!! Woo hoo!! I can't stop with the exclamation marks! It's just too exciting!!!!!!

To Alistair (An Argument In Favor Of Unschooling)

I started writing a response to Alistair, who was kind enough to come back and elaborate on his earlier comment about unschooling being “woefully irresponsible” in his eyes, but then I realized I was running out of space and (on a more exciting note) I sounded like I knew what I was talking about, so I decided I’d better make it a regular post. (I really have got to take advantage of those moments when I sound like I know what I'm talking about!) I've struggled with explaining unschooling to people this past year. Usually I direct them to the web sites or blogs of more experienced, and more eloquent, people. I just can't seem to put into words why I think it's a great way to live--and a smart way to "teach." But Alistair seems to have helped me find my voice.

So here goes:
Thanks, Alistair, for coming back and explaining your views a bit more. I can see how you would think that. Honestly, I was very wary when we began this journey (it wasn’t even a year ago) and I'm only just starting to see how full Jerry’s education might be (very full indeed!), without looking like Education at all.

You wrote that by allowing Jerry to focus on the interests he already has (video games, animation, computers, etc.) he wouldn’t be exposed to other subjects and ideas. What's amazing is how all of the things he's interested in somehow link to ideas, concepts and subjects that are totally unrelated. For example, one online game he likes right now allows him to create volcanoes, tidal waves, and all kinds of other natural disasters (he could probably create other things but he prefers disasters...) and this brings up all kinds of questions about geology. He's reading the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series right now, which relates to the Greek Gods and mythology (with some architecture and history thrown in). He’s crazy about manga, which leads to art and drawing and Japanese history (he’s learning Japanese). I happen to be completely gaga over physics at the moment (an unexpected turn of events, I assure you!) so I'm constantly sharing what I'm learning with him and my excitement is contagious. We have a book called "Backyard Ballistics" with instructions for how to make rockets and potato cannons and other (kind of scary!) contraptions that all deal in some way with science. We’re really into this book right now and often find ourselves doing experiments where we create theories and hypotheses (though we just call it playing and talking). Even every day conversations or just listening to the radio brings up questions. We heard an ad on the radio yesterday that claimed "energy can't be stored" and Jerry wondered if that was true so we're finding out.

And do you really think school (I mean pre-university) is the best place to be exposed to new ideas? Really? It may seem that way if you think about it on a surface level, but if you go deeper and spend more time thinking about where and how you discovered the ideas and concepts that have shaped your life, my guess is they didn’t come from school. Or if they did happen to be things you discovered in school it was probably outside of school (or maybe at university) where your interest in those ideas and concepts was allowed to flourish.

You said understanding the concepts of competition and testing is important to adult life. As far as I can tell, in the adult world, tests seem to be restricted to university classrooms and the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles, for you foreigners!). And I’m not sure what there is to understand about them. There’s a question and you answer it. I think he already gets that. I know I’m being a little glib here but I honestly don’t think a kid needs to go to school to understand the concepts of testing. Competition abounds in school so maybe he’d get a competitive edge by being there but I doubt it. He’s not a very competitive kid and I’d be surprised if he turned into a very competitive adult. I don’t think going to school would change that. And really, I think he’ll garner all he needs to know about competition through his regular everyday interactions with people. Some people are competitive, some aren’t. Sometimes you have to step up and compete, sometimes you don’t. I’m confident he’ll figure that one out.


As far as school being an essential part of emotional development goes, I think interacting with people is very important. Less important is where that interaction takes place. In school, children spend a good deal of their time at desks, listening to teachers, with short bursts of time for real interaction in between classes and at lunch or recess. The interaction that comes from schooling at home is much more natural and much more similar to the interactions that take place in the adult world: there’s no segregation by age; no school bell to signal the end of an intriguing conversation (or game of tag); and people generally don’t pigeon-hole you into a role or social position that has little to do with who you are as a person and more to do with playground politics.

As far as the decision to keep a child home as a selfish act caused by separation anxiety goes: I guess there could be some mothers out there like that, but I’ve never met one. The homeschooling mothers I know don’t feel any more separation anxiety than the mothers I know who send their kids to school. But they do seem to relish their kids company a little more. There’s not as much of a separation between kid and parents. There’s more of a feeling that the family is a team. I think part of that comes from the fact that since the kids aren’t in school, there’s no pressure to think of parents as uncool. The homeschooled kids I’ve met enjoy their parents company but they also enjoy being with their friends. They seem to find a balance without deeming one or the other unfit. I think that’s pretty cool.

You mentioned that Steiner Schools practice the unschooling philosophy in a classroom setting. Believe it or not, my son went to a Steiner school for five years before we started homeschooling. It’s a common misconception that Steiner (or Waldorf, as they’re called in the States) schools allow a progressive, child-led style of learning. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes, the concepts are taught based on where the children are developmentally but the school is extremely structured. There are lots of things I like about the Steiner philosophy but it’s very different from unschooling--very different! Completely bonzo different! But that is an entire post in and of itself!!

Thanks again, Alistair, for coming back and helping me to find my voice. And thanks readers (have I said lately that I love you guys?) for not verbally attacking Alistair for his differing opinion.

Now we are off to make taffy!!

Life Is Goooooood

The conference is over but I don't really have time to write a full overview--we're heading north from Portland to visit my aunt and uncle in Belfair, Washington--so I just thought I'd pop in and say we had a great time. I feel like the conference has helped me over the hump, in a way. You know, the hump of wanting to unschool but being afraid your child will suffer later because you decided some freaky, radical way of life was the way to go. Yep, I'm over that now and I definitely feel like freaky, radical will lead us to the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Actually, I take that back. It will make the entire journey feel like we've just found the pot at the end of the rainbow.

I'm not saying I won't have my freak out moments anymore. I'm sure they're waiting in the wings. But I'm feeling much more confident about our choice. And yes, I can finally say OUR choice. Warren has agreed that the unschooling philosophy makes sense and seems particularly right for Jerry (mainly because he inherited my genes for never wanting to do something he's been told to do--no matter how much he wanted to do it before the telling took place). 

So all is good. I'll give details soon!

Jerry's Writing!

Jerry wrote a persuasive essay! I'm thrilled! I'm not evolved enough as an unschooler to stay calm about about something that resembles school learning which I had absolutely no part in initiating. I'm still too close to the me that sees it as the only way to learn--I mean, acquire knowledge. This is my first glimpse of how he will learn (I know, I'm using it again) schoolish things without any pressure from me. Yippee! He even used a writing book I had purchased back when I went crazy buying school supplies.

It was so exciting. It all started because his friend couldn't follow through on a planned play date because of homework. Jerry was so upset he decided to write a letter to his friend's school about why kids shouldn't have homework. He did research about homework online (granted, he use Wikipedia, but I didn't mutter a word) and wrote a terrific letter. I just kept washing dishes, not saying anything unless he asked. I was so afraid I would ruin the experience for him by turning it into a lesson. I kept expecting him to lose steam and just put it aside but he kept at it, even referring to the book. (I mentioned that we had a book with a section on how to write persuasive essays only after he asked how he should write it.)

The only suggestion I made was that he send the letter to the editor of the newspaper, where it would reach more readers, instead of sending it to his friend's school, where it could get his friend in trouble.

Someday I suppose I'll take this kind of effort on Jerry's part in stride, but for now it's proof that when he has a compelling reason to learn something, he'll learn it.

My Very Own Unschooling Philosophy

I'm gearing up to apply some major coercion and bribery to get Jerry out and about when we're in New Zealand. He's a real homebody. He almost never wants to leave the house unless it's to play with a friend. And since he doesn't have any friends in New Zealand (yet) and I know I'm going to want to get out and about, I'm thinking I'll need to rely on coercion and bribery. I know as an unschooler I'm supposed to respect his wishes and all that but if I was always putting Jerry's wishes above mine I'd be extremely unhappy, and I'd never get out of the house except as a taxi driver. The thing is, I know Jerry will have fun doing the things I want to do. It's getting him there that's the problem. Leaving the house for Jerry is like going to the gym for me (not that I've stepped foot in a gym recently). He doesn't want to go, but when he gets there he's glad he made the effort. Monday was a typical example of this.

He said he was bored, so I said "Let's go somewhere." He hemmed and hawed but finally agreed to go to the Museum of Contemporary Art to see the Takashi Murakami exhibit. (He's a Japanese Pop Artist.) On the way there Jerry admitted that he didn't really want to see the exhibit but I said we were almost there, and I really wanted to see it, and he did SAY he wanted to go, etc. So we went and of course it was awesome. Of course Jerry had a good time. We went into this room: And we saw stuff like this: And this: And cool toys like this:
Yes, there were some bare breasts (monstrously big ones in a couple cases), which bothered Jerry a bit. He's not too keen on nudity and wishes artists would stop putting it in their work. But we managed to avoid most of that stuff.

All in all it was a fun outing. We ate lunch in Little Tokyo, talked about the internment of Japanese-Americans during World War II, marveled at some really cool architecture and played with my new iPhone. Here's a picture (taken by Jerry) of the refrigerator where we ate:

So, back to my original topic--coercion and bribery. If I'm the parent and I know he's the kind of kid that needs a little extra push to make it out the door in order to do something I'm 99% sure he'll enjoy, I think I'm going to give him that extra push. I'm not saying I'll ignore his needs or desires, or that I'll resort to intimidation to get him to go along. I'm just saying I'm willing to nudge him a little.

I've noticed a pendulum effect on this unschooling journey of mine. In the beginning I wanted to dip my toes in the water and wade in slowly, then I thought it was best to jump in all at once, which is what we did. I was really focused on unschooling the "right" way for a while there. I'm completely aware of the fact that there isn't a "right" way to unschool. But since I didn't have my own way I had to follow somebody else's and I chose to take the (mostly) Radical approach. Now that I've been at both ends of the pendulum I'm starting to find my own place within the two extremes. I'm not saying I know where that place is. I just notice that I'm finding MY way. And this decision, to give gentle nudges when needed, is my first step toward creating an unschooling philosophy that's just right for me and my family.

Blah, Part 2

Believe it or not I am still sick. Yep, still have a fever. Still feeling miserable. Though I did migrate from my bed to the couch today. I watched the entire BBC version of Pride & Prejudice and then watched This is Spinal Tap.

Thanks to everyone who has wished me well. Sorry I haven't had the energy to write comments back to everyone. I just feel so yucky and my brain is all out of whack. I've got to be feeling better by tomorrow. I can't believe this could possibly last any longer. I've been taking antibiotics since yesterday, so hopefully they'll kick in soon.

On a happier note, Warren and Jerry have been spending time together now that Warren is out of work. Warren showed Jerry how to use Final Cut Pro on his computer and Jerry has put a little video of our totally-out-of-control cats together with some music.

Oh! And Jerry and his best friend created a web site. It's on blogger so technically I suppose it's a blog but they're treating as a site. It's at www.fragglefreak.com. Be sure to turn your volume down or off if you log on. It's loud. And I take no responsibility for the bizarre music video they put up. Jerry thinks it's hilarious.

I hope to be back to my normal self tomorrow but I've got three short newspaper articles to write by Saturday and guests coming in from Mexico on the same day. I'll still try to post about what we're up to, though it may be more "We did this" and "We went here" than my usual questioning and wondering and fretting. Maybe it'll be a nice break for you all. :)

Honeymoon Phase

We're back from Sacramento, where we were visiting family for Thanksgiving. We had a really nice time but all three of us ended up getting sick. Jerry had a bad cold, I ended up with bronchitis and now Warren is laid up in bed with a sore throat! So...I won't be writing much.

I really just wanted to tell you how pleasant life is now that I am accepting Jerry's interests instead of fighting against them. It's amazing how that one little switch in thinking has made such a difference. I hadn't realized before how much of the parenting angst I've felt since Jerry was born was a result of all the "shoulds" that were floating around in my subconscious (and conscious) mind. As these notions float away, I find I'm left with nothing but the notion of living a joyful life.

I think unschooling and I have entered our honeymoon phase. Getting to know each other wasn't easy, but I'm feeling all giddy about our relationship now. The only drawback is that I can't help wondering what happens when the honeymoon ends. I mean, all honeymoons end eventually, right? But, unschooling (to me, at this point, anyway) really does seem like a never-ending honeymoon. I mean, if it's all about following your passion and living joyfully how could it ever get old?

Rule Two

I narrowly avoided causing another "incident" on Friday. Yes, it could have been the "chess incident" all over again but, I'm happy to say, sometimes I do learn from my mistakes.

Jerry had said he wanted to take a survival class through our homeschool group, so we signed up for two classes, the first of which took place last Friday. I was really looking forward to this class. We were going to learn about edible plants in the wilderness and I thought it would be really cool. Jerry had had a stomach flu the previous day but seemed fine that morning so we drove to the class. Once we got there and the other students started to arrive Jerry leaned on me and said he was sorry but he didn't feel good and he wanted to go home.

Now, I was helped out by the fact that he'd been sick the day before. If he'd been well I might have fallen into the old habit of insisting we stay because, after all, I drove all that way and I paid for it. But since Jerry had been sick I really had to consider his feelings seriously.

I took some deep breaths (being especially conscious not to turn them into heavy sighs) then told the woman who had organized the class that Jerry wasn't feeling well and we were going to leave but we'd see her at the next class. We got into the car and drove toward home.

So far so good, right? Well, what I should have done was just say "I understand" and drop it. But, I'm a beginner. I had to talk. "Blah, blah, blah blah. You know, if you want to make friends you need to put yourself out there. Blah, blah. You've got to talk to people. Blah. These classes are such a great way to make new friends but if you never want to stay.....". You get the picture.

Even as I was speaking I knew I should shut up. Eventually I did (I came to my senses after just a few minutes.) and asked if he'd like to stop for a bagel. So, we went to the bagel place where we used to go when he was in kindergarten and before we walked in the door Jerry hugged me and said "I love you, Mom. I know you really wanted to take that class and I'm sorry. But thanks for leaving."

Isn't that sweet? It made me think back to "Chess Incident" (you can read it for an example of one of my less than stellar parenting days). I was really struck by the different outcomes of the two similar situations. The chess incident started out much the same way the survival class did: I signed him up, paid for the class, drove 30 miles to get him there and then he told me he was too tired for chess and wanted to leave. But it ended with anger, hurt feelings, sadness, and the literal shoveling of shit--I sent him out back to pick up dog poop when we got home. (So sad! I feel really bad about that now.)

This time, though, I told myself that his needs were real. I knew I could sign up for an edible plant class some other time. It was not a big deal to leave. What was more important was to show Jerry that I took his needs seriously. So I did. I wasn't perfect (I had to talk!). But I didn't get mad. Instead of ending the scene with two people feeling awful, we ended up sharing a bagel and drinks, having a nice conversation, and appreciating each other's company. What a difference!

But wait! There's more! Learning this lesson has helped in other ways, too. I signed up to take a circus class with the homeschoolers because I thought Jerry would really like it, but he didn't want to join. He just wanted to watch to see if he would like the class. So, I took the class on my own. Now, Jerry had said he'd watch the class, but instead he played in another room with one of the other kids. I wondered if I should suggest that he stop playing and come watch (the whole point of me taking it was so he would join in eventually) but I didn't. The next week he didn't even feel like watching so I went to the class without him--no fuss or fight. I just said okay and I really was okay with it. (I love that class and there was no way I was going to miss it!) Now this week he says he wants to join! Yippee!

So, after two months I have finally discovered my second rule of unschooling. I'll write it out in caps again like I did the first rule:

HONOR YOUR CHILD'S FEELINGS.

Good things happen when you do.

A Day At The Beach

Today Jerry, his best friend Jackson, and I went to Santa Monica. We walked around the pier for a while, then built an awesome sand castle on the beach. Here's a run down on what we did, and what we learned in the process.

The day started at home with Jerry and I at the kitchen table. Jerry played a tetris-like game called Snood on his computer for about an hour and a half while I worked on my blog. As I was searching online for some information about the educational value of Snood I stumbled upon a site called Computing With Kids which had this great article about the game. Here's a brief excerpt:

"Snood is an amazing game, not because of its complexity, but rather its simplicity," said Reginann Rohlfs, a sixth-grade teacher at Forest Edge Elementary School in Fairfax, Va. Rohlfs uses Snood in her classroom because it teaches "logic, geometry and strategy."

So, let me rephrase my earlier description of what we did this morning. I worked on my blog while Jerry studied logic, geometry and strategy. Oh, and the same article said that this game is huge at Princeton and that they've held Snood tournaments on campus. So I think it's fair to say he was preparing for college, too. Hee! Hee!

Then we went to pick up Jackson and stopped at Game Stop so Jerry could buy a used wireless adapter for his friend Anthony so they can play Pokemon together. He learned about giving and smart consumerism.

At the beach we checked out the rides (just looked) and the arcade (again, just looked--they didn't have the game the boys were looking for) then we walked to the end of the pier. The boys watched an artist create a small oil painting of the pier, which Jerry purchased. They learned art and a little Spanish. They had another art lesson from a cartoonist later in the day. At the end of the pier we looked at old photos of the area. (History.)

As we walked, we talked about the Galapagos Islands and how the animals aren't afraid of people there. We laughed about the Blue Footed Booby and vowed to find photos of one online when we got home. (Geography. Biology. Evolution. History.)

We ate a snack. Then we walked down the stairs toward the sand.
It was Veteran's Day and there was a memorial to the soldiers killed in Iraq just north of the pier on the sand. There were crosses representing the dead soldiers, many with handwritten names, and flowers attached to them. We saw photographs of the American soldiers who had died and talked about how each dead soldier meant a family had lost someone they loved. We talked about war and good and evil and if evil is necessary in the world in order to have good. (History. Philosophy. Current Events. International Relations. Social Studies.)

Then we built a sandcastle.

(Architecture. Geology. Joyful Living.)

A Happy Jelly Roll

We're having a fun week so far. I've been saying yes more. On Tuesday Jerry asked if we could watch a movie and eat fruit loops. I said "Yes! Let's!" So we did and it was great.

I have my very own Club Penguin account now, which is getting boring fast because all the cool stuff is for members only. Now I know why I'm paying $5.95 every month for Jerry's membership.

I started a Circus Class today, which was awesome! It's with the homeschool group and it's mainly for kids but some parents participate. The class was such a great example of why homeschooling is so cool because there was a boy that looked to be about two or three on the young end and then some parents (I won't even try to guess their ages!) on the older end. And we were all having so much fun together--none of this sticking people with their own age group stuff! Jerry just wanted to watch and I didn't freak out and insist he join or any of that nonsense. I didn't even insist he watch. He ended up having a fine time in another room with a girl that was waiting for the next class.

Then we came home and some friends came with us. Yes, it's true. I finally have a homeschooling friend! Yippee! She has a boy around Jerry's age and a daughter a few years younger, so the kids played with the Wii while we talked in the kitchen. It was really nice.

After our friends left, Jerry started making a stop motion movie and I went into the backyard and did some gardening. Normally I would have felt weird about each of us doing our own thing. I guess that's left over from when he was in school. When our time together was limited to evenings and weekends I felt like we should be spending our together time TOGETHER. But today he did his thing and I did mine. And it was fine. It was great, in fact. Except for the fact that Circus Class kicked my ass and then gardening did me in completely. I feel like a jelly roll now. A happy jelly roll.

Oh, I almost forgot! I'd like to pass on the Wonder Woman Award to Heather at Embracing the Strange and Mombot Companion. Heather is brave and funny and honest and she knits the coolest monsters ever. Oh, and she can sing, too!

Settling Into Unschooling (Or, The Good News And The Bad)

I was driving down the road on our way to a costume parade with the homeschool group, Jerry, dressed in ninja attire, was in the backseat chowing down on some white rice, and I started to tell him about our idea to go to Hawaii. "The bad thing is," I said, "we would probably have to use our money from the loan to fix up the house or else pay for the trip with a credit card. So I'm not sure if we should do it."

Guess what he said? "No. Way. Do. Not. Do it. Especially if it means using the money for fixing the house!" He even kind of yelled it--I mean, he really meant it.

That's so annoying! I thought for sure he'd back me up. But through my annoyance I felt a little surge of pride. Who knew this child, the one that can't stand to have a dollar in his pocket for more than ten seconds, would be giving me sound financial advice!?

So, we're not going. We're staying home and starting a Hawaiian Vacation Savings Plan. Oh well. It was fun to think about for a while.

That's the bad news (or good news, if you're looking at it from a finacial perspective).

The good news (or the other good news) is that Jerry and I are settling into our days as unschoolers much more readily now that I'm not so uptight about the video game and computer use. Jerry even told me today that he really likes our compromise (no video games before 4 p.m.). I think he's happier when I'm not cranky. Go figure.