Happy New Year!

After we got back from our trip I decided to give myself a break from blogging, with the intention of starting up again in the new year. So, here it is the new year, and here I am, at the keyboard. I almost didn't get a post out today (it's almost 8pm as I write) because my laptop has been hijacked by Jerry. His laptop won't play Star Craft, but mine will. So, until we figure out the problem his PC is having connecting to the internet (a problem which nearly caused me to chuck the stupid thing out the window today), he'll be using mine. A lot.

So anyway, this is just a brief post to let you know I'm still alive and that I haven't let the blog go completely. I'm going to change my focus a bit, though--not that I've had much of a focus for the last couple years. Still, I'm making some changes and I'll be documenting them on this blog. They aren't mind blowing changes, but put together I expect them to do a lot to help me take full advantage of the freedom I have in my life since I adopted the principles of unschooling as a lifestyle.

I won't spoil the fun by telling you everything now (mainly because Warren and I are supposed to be watching a movie together!) but I'll give you a sneak peek of some of the changes that are going down.

1. I've hired a professional organizer to help me get my house in order. (Yippee!) I know it sounds crazy because I'm perfectly capable of organizing my own house. In fact, I'm really good at organizing. But have I done it? Nope. We've lived in this house for ten years and I've said I'm going to get the place in order at least 25 times, but I never finish. I get too overwhelmed. I want to get to a point where I can stand in my living room and say to myself, "It's done." And I'll know where to find everything we own and if it's something we don't need or use it won't be in our house at all. I've worked with the organizer for six hours so far (and done many more hours of work on my own) and I can already see tremendous progress. Before/after pictures will be coming your way very soon!
2. I'm working on forming some new habits. The smallest and most likely to have a positive effect on my life is to not put off anything that takes less than 60 seconds to complete. I've been doing it (mostly) for a couple weeks. You would not believe the amount of times in a day I start to put off tasks that literally take 5 seconds to complete! But, I've been pretty good at following through on my goal. We'll see if I can keep it up.

Anyway, those are just a couple things that are changing. Obviously one big change that's beyond my control is the fact that our beautiful dog, Patsy, is no longer with us. And I guess we'll be getting another dog soon because Jerry says he's too sad without one. So, before too long (maybe even tomorrow) we'll have a new family member that will be peeing and pooping and chewing and generally wreaking havoc on our lives. I know he or she will also bring love and cuddles and kisses and may even fill some of the empty space we've been left with, but I guess I'm not quite ready to think about that yet. I don't want any old (or young) dog. I want Patsy. I know--I'm being melodramatic. Sorry. I'll stop.


Anyway, as far as the rest of the family goes, Jerry is doing his usual thing: WoW, XBox, Star Craft, building Gundam models, reading manga, watching movies and anime, and talking to friends online. Warren is still working on Pirates 4, and expects the next four months to be really busy with lots of six and seven day weeks at work and verrrrry loooong hours. He did get the week between Christmas and New Year's off, though, and we've been savoring every minute of our time together knowing we won't be seeing much of one another once Monday comes around.

So, that's about it for now. More on the exciting new adventure that will be 2011 tomorrow!

Summer Break!

My last class is over! Woohoo! I'm officially on summer vacation. :)

And, I'm liking the quilt so far. I was a little worried about how it would turn out, so I was relieved once I got the blocks made and laid it out. I think it looks nice. And not too baby-ish.

That's all I have to say, really. I was going to tell you about how Jerry decided he wanted to try pizza, but I have to meet someone at 7 tomorrow morning and it's after 11, so I guess I'll have to save that story (and the one about the guy with the gun–yes, I have details!) for another day.

Good night!

Upon College Graduation

Yesterday I was looking for notebook dividers in my old writing notebook when I found the following essay. It made me laugh and then cringe, and cringe again, and then laugh. Then it made me think about how much I love unschooling. Anyway, here it is in its embarrassing, unedited entirety:

Upon College Graduation, an unfinished essay
written by the girl formerly known as Colleen G.

Reality hit me smack dab aside the head just as soon as I removed my graduation cap, thus supplying a clear and easy target. True, reality had poked his thick callused fingers into the birthday cake of my existence once or twice before–but that was along the edges where intrusions sometimes go unnoticed or are, at least, easier to hide.

This time he meant business. He was going for more than just the trim surrounding those creamy white folds of frosting. He was going for the whole cake (with ice cream on the side). Yes, reality dipped his fat, grubby hands right into the center of my relatively untouched birthday cake. He dipped, grabbed, squeezed, twirled, and tossed. At times he gobbled. And then, he threw it right in my face.

So, I started my college-educated adulthood with a face full of frosting and a small lump the size of a plastic ballerina on the side of my head.

I swear I didn't mean for there to be any sexual metaphor going on there. It was just supposed to be about how graduating from college and joining the "real world" sucked. (Though I was heavily into Tom Robbins at the time, which could explain a thing or two.)

And why did reading it make me so happy to be unschooling, you ask? Because Jerry is already in the real world. By the time he is the age I was when I wrote that essay (or the beginning of what was meant to be an essay) he'll be so far ahead of me in life experience and self-knowledge that I don't think he'll ever experience those first few years after college (if he goes) as anything but joyful. For me they were the exact opposite. Anyway, I hope you got a good laugh out of that. Or at least a good cringe. :)

Big News!

Our local library branch opened on Monday! I was there for the ribbon cutting ceremony along with Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, a couple councilmen, the fire chief, some random city officials, and about 300 neighbors. It was awesome! Our library is so cool! The first cool thing is the fact that it exists at all. The voters of L.A. approved a bill to build more libraries a decade or so ago--but the Silver Lake branch wasn't one of them. However, the Office of Public Works, in an unprecedented display of a government competence, managed the money so well that they had enough money to build four extra libraries (four!)--and ours was one of them! The next cool thing is that the library is a Leed Certified green building. And it's beautiful! And the final cool thing is that I can walk there! It's literally around the corner from my house!!

Anyway, the library opening is big news, but it's not the big news. The big news is that after considering my frenzied excitement over the opening of our library, and thinking about how much I love books and information and sharing books and information with people, and how I'd love nothing more than to live a long fruitful life and die in a room full of dusty old books, I've decided to become a librarian! It's a long-term plan because I won't actually get a job until Jerry is off doing his own thing. I'm going to start by getting a certificate in Library Science at the local community college. (I registered yesterday and had my transcripts sent to the school and everything!) I'm going to volunteer at our library (which I would have done anyway) to gain some experience. And then, when the time is right for both me and Jerry, I'll apply to the UCLA Masters of Library and Information Science Program. Woohoo!

And then, I was thinking "How can I combine being a librarian with travel?" and I thought maybe I can start a nonprofit group that builds libraries in third world countries. Wouldn't that be awesome!!? Anyway, it's very exciting and I'm trying not to think too much about it so I don't start wondering how I'll have the time. I'm just going to dive in. I can't wait to start going to school again. I love school!

The other exciting news, also related to the library, is that I met Janet Fitch (author of White Oleander) and Cecil Castellucci (author of The Queen of Cool) at the opening--they both live in Silver Lake. Anna Hays, an author I had interviewed for the local paper (and really loved talking to), introduced me to them. So that was really cool. I was buzzing with excitement when I got home--and it's obviously lingered for a few days.

Well, the dirty dishes on my kitchen counter are calling out my name so I'd better go wash them. I'll dream about my life as a librarian while I scrub....

Happy Birthday To Me

I know I said I was taking a break but today is my birthday and I need to tell you what I got. Brace yourselves, it's ugly. Psoriasis. That's right. It's just a tiny little thing on my scalp, but it's a reminder that I am not immune to aging or other human ailments and that really sucks. Guess what else I got? A bad hip. Yep, I told the doctor what happened after we got off the plane from Paris (you know, not being able to walk and having to hire ride a wheelchair through the airport while my loving husband laughed at me from one gate to another) and she said it's a precursor to hip problems! In addition to that, I got my driver's license renewed and now there's a notation on my license that says I have to wear my glasses when I'm driving! Could I be any more aged and decrepit? Don't answer that. But the worst thing is, and I cannot figure out what I was thinking, I told the truth about my weight on my license renewal!! I've never told the truth about my weight on my license. Ever! Even when I was a mere 107, my license said 105. But yesterday the woman at the DMV looked at my old license information and said are you still 115? And I said "No, I'm probably closer to 125." How could I!? I meant to say 120. Because, you know, I like to round to the lowest 5 where weight is concerned and sometimes I do weigh in at 124.5. So really it should be 120. But she didn't know about my special way of rounding down so she just typed in 125. What was I thinking!?

Ah well. There's nothing I can do about it now. Anyway, my real birthday present from Warren and Jerry is very exciting. They're buying me a table saw! It's the gift that keeps on giving. See, what I really want is a potting bench. But if I buy a potting bench all I get out of it is, well, a potting bench. But if I get a saw and make it myself (using one of the many old doors we have lying around our yard) then I get a potting bench and whatever else I decide to make. So, any recommendations on what to look for in a table saw would be appreciated.

The other thing I'm pretty sure we're getting is a semi-permanent houseguest. My husband's friend is having a hard time (divorce, disability, that kind of thing) and he needs a place to stay so he's probably going to stay with us for a while. In addition to that, a friend of mine from college might be getting a job in L.A. and he may end up crashing on our couch a few nights a week so he doesn't have to drive all the way back to Orange County. We may have a very full house in the next few months.

So, there you are. That's what's happening. I'm getting old and our house is getting crowded, but it's all good.

Two Things

First of all, never say never. I know this rule. I spout it all the time because I swore I'd never raise a child in Los Angeles and here I am doing it and loving every second, so you'd think I'd have learned my lesson. Right? Still, there was one "never" I was so sure we could avoid forever that I shouted it from rooftops. I told people on the streets. I had it painted on the side of my house. OK, I didn't do any of those things. But they do illustrate the confidence with which I regularly said:

Warren will never work on another James Cameron movie. Ever.

Yes, I said it many times in the last 13 years, after his six months on Titanic nearly broke our marriage. That's right, six months of working seven days a week, 16 to 20 hours a day just about did us in. (It turns out I'm one of those people that likes to see my husband on a regular basis. Go figure!) I'm sure you can see where this is going.

At this very moment Warren is driving to work. On Avatar. Directed by James Cameron.

But, it's only going to last for two months. And, at the time of Titanic Jerry was only a baby and I was overwhelmed by new motherhood and far from my family and none of my friends had kids and Warren was gone. All. The. Time. So this should be different. Plus, they say it's only six days a week (not seven). And the hours are only 12 to 14 a day (not 20). So that's a bonus. And the movie comes out December 17 or 18, so it can't go any longer that that. Phew. We should be OK.

The good thing about this job is the fact that Warren will be earning over time. Lots of it. Which means that if we save, save, save, and if we're sure we have enough in savings to pay our bills and put food on the table through March (because November through February are notoriously slow in the film business) and if we can find a suitable swap, we can go to New York!!

Which leads me to the second thing:

It's time for me to accept the fact that I'm always either traveling or planning to travel. And I like it that way.

I keep saying "Now that we're home I'm not going anywhere." As soon as we return from a trip, I'm convinced that I don't want to leave our house for another year, at least. And then, after about two months, I suddenly find I must go visit my friend in Mexico. Or there's an opportunity to go to Boston for Jerry to take some classes at MIT and suddenly I'm checking airfare, looking up house swaps, setting dates, and figuring out which blogging friends I might actually get to meet in the flesh. Or I start looking through the Homelink database at houses in South Africa, Iceland, Japan, anywhere, really. It's like a sickness. Only it's not a sickness. It's just me. (No smart remarks from the peanut gallery, please!)

It's such a relief when you recognize a trait that you'd always thought you needed to change, as something that's just a part of you--for better or for worse. Take procrastination. I am a huge procrastinator. I've beaten myself up over it. I've tried to change. I've made check lists with completion dates so I could spread tasks out over time and yet, I consistently wait until the very last second before (and occasionally the second after) something needs to be done to start working on it. It's like a sickness, right? I mean that's what I told myself for years.

Until I realized I must like doing things at the last minute. Why else would I keep doing it? I like the adrenaline rush. I like the big push to accomplish something all at once, rather than bit by bit, over time. It's not as if I don't finish the tasks I've set out for myself. I do. All in one fell swoop. At the last possible second. In a blaze of glory! Perhaps I exaggerate. But still, what a relief to know that's how I operate and just accept it!

So, I'm no longer going to say, "I'm so glad we're home--now we're not going anywhere!" I'm just going to say, "I'm so glad we're home." And when the travel bug bites again, I'll invite him in.

Boy do I feel better. Not that I was feeling bad. I just feel like I don't have to roll my eyes at myself (yes, I sometimes roll my eyes at myself) when I start checking airfare or perusing the world map. I'm free to be me! Yippee!

So, like I started saying before, it looks like we might be going to New York!! We're still trying to figure out when, but it will probably be December or January. Warren would rather go in December, just in case a job comes up in January. But I'm afraid he'll still be working. Anyway, I'm looking for possible house swaps and hoping that we can use some points we've got saved on a credit card for airfare, so it really shouldn't cost much at all. I'm so excited!

We're also going to start an official savings account for a trip to Japan! It may take a few years to save up enough money, but at least the wheels are rolling. Jerry's aiming to be fluent in Japanese by the time we go. So that gives him something to work towards, too.

Jerry officially starts his dog walking job today, by the way. And we're meeting with my friend at the museum about that internship. Oh, and if you're anywhere near Boston and you have a 7th-12th grader you should check out MIT's Splash! I was thinking Jerry might go this year, but he decided to pass. It sounds awesome, though.

And now I'm going to make a nice hot cup of coffee because Fall has finally arrived in Los Angeles! At last the weather is cool and crisp and the sky is (mostly) clear and we can look forward to warm soup and fresh bread and all the things that make owning a stove (and actually being able to use it without causing heatstroke) so wonderful.

I Would Just Like To Say

that writing a blog post about your leaky bra on the same day that a newsletter goes out to several thousand writers and said newsletter happens to have a description of your blog with a link and you happen to be the editor of that newsletter (so you're assumed to have some semblance of dignity in your life because none of the readers know you and people generally think of editors as people who have their shit together) is not the best idea. It can cause serious anxiety when you're driving down the freeway in the rain and you suddenly realize that when you attend the next meeting many of the attendees will be looking at you in an entirely new light. It's downright embarrassing.

Photo Flashbacks

I'm afraid you'll be getting a lot of this from now on. I've been going through my grandma's photos and some of them are just so great I have to share.

This is me and my grandma in 1970 at my Uncle Jess's gas station. That's Jess in the background.
Here's me and my mom going for a bike ride. My mom always told me her dad wouldn't let her wear mini-skirts to school. But look at the length on that thing. Suddenly Grandpa doesn't seem like such a tyrant!Four generations: my mom and me, looking very fashionable in matching crocheted dresses, my great-grandma, and my grandma.
I love this photo of my mom. I love the car, the picnic basket, and her smile.
Me striking a pose and my sister looking like she's not so sure she wants to be inside the mouth of a giant plastic frog.
There's that "Get me outta here" look on my sister again.
That's it for today.

4th File, 4th Photo

I was tagged by ShadyLady at My World Behind Big Shades. And since nothing went wrong yesterday (because the Fates were just too chicken to mess with me!) I actually have time to do it. It's also short and quick--that helps. Plus, I'm trying to avoid working on that newsletter. Anyway, here are the rules:

1. Go to the 4th picture folder on your computer.
2. Post the 4th picture in that folder.
3. Explain the picture.
4. Tag 4 more bloggers.

So, my 4th folder is Travel and the 4th file (I know I took an extra step there but there were just more files in the Travel folder) is London/Paris/Ireland '06 and the 4th photo is one I took while Jerry and I were waiting to get onto the London Eye:We were literally just off the plane from L.A. We took a taxi to the hotel (Warren had arrived two weeks prior and was at work on the film "Eragon"), dumped our luggage in our room, and took the tube to the London Eye. It was freezing and windy and rainy---but the little pod was warm.

Here's Jerry inside the pod, with Big Ben in the background:

And here he is flying over the Thames, a miniature super hero in red:

Now I tag

Moments of Whimsy
These Go to Eleven
Unschoolers Anonymous
and
Zayna's Garden

You're it!

The Fall

You know how when you're watching a movie and everything is going right for the main character (she's met the love of her life, won the lottery, and finally gotten that publishing deal for her novel, let's say) tragedy strikes? Well, I always kind of expect life to be like that, too. Maybe I watched too many ABC After-School Specials as a child. But whenever things are going too well I get a little niggling feeling in the back of my head that a cliff lies hidden in the brush just ahead of me, and I'm about to go careening over the edge.

It was especially bad just after I met Warren. I was convinced that since I'd finally found the love of my life (Not that it took a long time. I was 20.), he would die. And, of course, after Jerry was born I felt the same way. You should have seen me the first time we took him in the car. I was a wreck--certain that every car within eyesight was out to get us.

I've mellowed out a bit since then. But guess what just happened? Things were going great. Remember? Everything was just falling into place. I was really happy. So happy, in fact, that I had started noticing life's little wonders--like, stop signs, for instance. Isn't it amazing that they actually work? I mean, it's a steel post with a red sign on top but they actually regulate the traffic. People stop when they see them. Seriously, stop signs were making me happy. That's how blissed out I was.

So, the fall had to be coming, right? And it has. My grandma (the one whose husband died at Christmas) is still in the hospital and the doctors are recommending hospice care. Now I know this isn't a tragedy. She lived a long full life and that's something to celebrate. It just makes me sad. We all knew it was coming--eventually. But you have to understand that my grandma is one of those people who has a gift for avoiding death. I mean, she has heart problems, emphysema, and she's blind. She's been in and out of the hospital countless times during the last five years. In fact, Christmas just isn't Christmas anymore if Grandma isn't in the hospital with pneumonia. Every time she goes in we all think, "This is it. It's the last time." And then she gets better. Always.

Logically, I knew there would be a time when she wouldn't come out. I even got a little irritated with my grandma for not wanting to sign the DNR (do not resuscitate) form. I thought it was crazy that she'd want to be kept alive by machines. What kind of a life is that? And why would she want to put her family in the position to finally say it was time to pull the plug? But she has steadfastly refused to sign it. She chose life. Period.

So I was surprised yesterday when my mom sent me and the rest of the family an e-mail saying that grandma had spoken to her doctor and decided to sign the form. When she didn't want to sign it I thought she was being crazy (and a little selfish--I must admit), so you'd think I'd breathe a sigh of relief when she finally agreed to sign it, but instead it made me really sad. I felt like she had finally admitted her mortality. And I think I liked it better when she was invincible.

Ah well. Warren is staying home from work today and we'll go down to see her in the hospital. My aunt and uncle are already there, my brother and his girlfriend are on their way and my parents and Jenny (my sister) and her family will come down tomorrow. It's lucky that my sister is home for this because my grandma feels a special connection with my niece, Cora. They were both born with cataracts. Cora had to have surgery when she was just two months old (now she wears contacts) and my grandma went through numerous surgeries throughout her life. So she'll be very glad to see Cora.

We'll have a full house this weekend, which is always something to be thankful for. And we may very well be able to have a fire in our fireplace, too! We haven't used our fireplace since we moved in to this house almost nine years ago because we were told it needed to be rebuilt and we just never had the money to spare. But we recently got a second opinion and it turns out they can fix it and they're doing it today. I feel giddy whenever I think about it. So that's a good thing. And Warren has gone out to get some cinnamon croissants from one of our favorite bakeries, which is a really good thing.

I guess the trick to feeling better today (and any day, really) will be to focus on the good things. So that's what I'm going to do. Cinnamon croissants. Barack Obama. Stop signs. Family. A fire in the fireplace. Silver Lake. Sand castles. Good friends. Libraries. Cabernet Franc. Tom Waits. A grandmother's love. Homemade soup. Barack Obama...

It's Me Again!

I'm back. As in, I think I'm coming out of my funk. What's different about today? Well, for one thing I'm still in my pajamas. I know. It could be completely unrelated, but here's the thing. I haven't felt like blogging lately, or doing much of anything really, other than feeling sorry for myself. But today I suddenly feel like blogging again. So as I was making a cup of tea this morning, I was thinking to myself, what's different about today? And then it came to me. I'm wearing pajamas.

See, since Xiquan moved in I've been having to get dressed (maybe it's better to say "dressed" since I'm still not wearing anything I could leave the house in) before coming up to the kitchen to sit at my computer. When we had girls living with us I had no problem strolling around in pjs but now that there's another guy in the house it's a different story. So I think there may be a connection between blogging and wearing pajamas! Does anyone else find they blog better in jammies? I know I can't be alone here.

So, now that I'm coming back to life I can tell you about some of the good stuff that's been happening. Yes, while I was sleeping life went on and some good things happened. I even had a hand in making some them happen--I just couldn't manage to get happy about them at the time.

Good thing #1: I'm going to be the new contact person for our homeschool group. This is my attempt to get myself off the blanket and away from the three people that I ever talk to at park day and meet some new people. I always do better in groups when I'm trying to make other people feel comfortable so if I'm there to greet new people that have called to ask me questions about the group, I'll be able to forget my own childish feelings of inadequacy and focus on making them feel welcome. That way I won't have time to feel sorry for myself. Pretty clever, eh?

Good thing #2: The deck is alomst finished! This weekend Warren and I are going to sand and oil it and paint the railings and then sometime next week someone will put in the steel cables that will make it safe for small children and then we'll be able to say the deck is finally done! Of course, I still have anxiety over the whole thing. Last night I dreamt that someone came into our year while we slept and dismantled the whole thing, then took off with all the wood. Next I dreamed that all the wood was back and we were just about to begin oiling it when it started to rain. Nightmares aside, the important thing is that it's almost finished.

Good thing #3: I have a wonderful husband. He's been so good to me this past month. He came home from work early one day this week when I was feeling especially low. He made me a CD with pdfs of the entire first year of my blog (comments included!). He's been getting home for dinner for the last couple weeks so we've actually been able to eat a meal together at the end of the day which has never happened before (unless he was unemployed) during our entire 17 years of marriage. Granted, we're not eating until 8 or 9 but we're eating togther and that's what counts. And we've been doing things together. We went to hear music at the library. We've walked down the street for dinner. We've spread out a blanket on our deck and sat outside under the four stars that are bright enough to outshine the city lights and sipped wine. We've been watching the Daily Show together at the end of the day. We went to see a movie together. Gosh, now that I'm listing all these things I find it hard to believe that I could have been feeling so low. Crazy, huh?

Good thing #4: I know I already said it but I'll say it again. My sister is coming all the way from Ireland for my birthday!!

Good thing #5: We saved two kittend from becoming coyote food. Here's the kitten update: We did end up taking them to a shelter because they were both crawling with fleas and they didn't use a litter box (one of them did but not the other). I decided I couldn't hand them off to someone else in that state, nor could I keep them here, especially since we already have two cats. I know I could have taken them to the vet and paid to get them vaccinated and treated for fleas but that would've cost a lot. So...I took them to the shelter where they will get a check up, vaccinations and flea treatment for only $68 each. I've got their ID numbers so I've been checking up on them daily and as of October 4 they'll be available for adoption. I'll probably give them a few days to be adopted and then if no one takes them I'll post bail and try finding homes for them. So that's the kitten story. Taking them to the shelter was really sad but now I'm able to see that it was the right thing to do. So that's good. (Still makes me a little sad though.)

Good thing #6: My friend Jill had a baby girl!!

Good thing #7: My friend Zefra has been calling me every day this week. She knew I needed her and she's been there for me even though she's going crazy planning her son's Bar Mitzvah and trying to open a new store in Berekley. Now that's a good friend!

Good thing #8: Jerry broke out his recorder this week and started teaching me to play.

Good thing #9: I bought running shoes and Warren and I have started walking 3 miles a few times a week. We're doing Saturday and Sunday for sure and then midweek when we can manage to stumble out of bed by 6. I know walking isn't running but it's only a hop skip and a jump away so I'm getting there!

Good thing #10: I feel like there should be an even 10 but nothing is jumping out at me here. Oh, I know! We have visitors coming! Friends from the Life is Good conference are going to stay the night after the WoW convention down in Anaheim. And my parents are coming down for a visit too. Oh my god and my friend Ursula (a friend from high school) is coming the following week. And Jerry's birthday party is coming up. And Halloween. Good grief. I'd better get off my butt and start preparing for all this activity.

Time to get out of my pjs!

O Happy Day

I was all prepared to write about my fragile emotional state yesterday. I was going to apologize for focusing on the negative. I didn't even really feel like writing about it, to tell you the truth, but when I started this blog I wanted it to be an accurate representation of what it's like to start unschooling a child after five years of school--ups and downs included--so I felt obligated to tell the truth. And the truth is I've been feeling like crap.

I was going to list the possible reasons for the gray cloud that seems to follow me around lately. The list included things you've already heard about like stress from the cost of building our deck and the end of our first year, the honeymoon year, of unschooling, and a few new ones, like my recent fixation with death (real cheery, I know) and feeling like I've lost my sister to Ireland for good.

So, I was all prepared to give you the dish on my sorry state of mind when I opened my e-mail yesterday morning and found a travel itinerary from Aer Lingus for my sister. She's coming for my 40th birthday!! Yippee!

And guess what we'll be doing?! We're going to begin walking the California Coastal Trail. The entire trail is 1200 miles long--from the Mexican border to Oregon--and I'm giving myself the decade of my 40s to complete it. I'm going to do bits at a time (not in any special order), hopefully with different people on each section of the journey. (Anyone want to do a portion with me? Send an e-mail!)

So to celebrate my 40th I'm going to start the walk at the north end of the Golden Gate Bridge. We'll cross the bridge and do the San Francisco portion of the walk (about 11 miles), ending at Fort Funston where Warren and Jerry will pick us up and we'll all go out to dinner to celebrate. My friend, Zefra, and my mom are doing it with us. And I'm hoping a couple other friends will be able to make it as well. It's going to be great. And now that my sister is coming it feels really special. I feel really special!

But there was even more excitement yesterday. Shortly after Jerry woke up we took Patsy for a walk in Griffith Park. I know what you're thinking. You think the exciting part is the fact that I actually got Jerry to leave the house before 10 a.m. Yes, that is exciting and I admit I was very surprised myself, but that's not the exciting part. The exciting part (not exactly good exciting, mind you, it was more like "shake things up" exciting) happened when we got to the park.

A man and woman were in the parking lot with a big dog crate beside their car and about 12 kittens crawling around the crate and under the cars. Jerry wanted to pet them so while he played with the kittens I asked "Why have you brought them to the park?" The lady said they were just on an "outing." Hmmm. Pretty suspicious, I thought. "You're not going to leave them here, though, are you?" I asked. "Oh no. No. I'm just taking them to different parks letting them do their business." Still pretty suspicious. Anyway, Jerry and I went on our walk with Patsy and, sure enough, when we got back to the parking lot the lady and her crate were gone and two kittens were hiding under a car in the parking lot. Essentially, she'd left them for the coyotes.

We couldn't leave them so we took them into our car and drove all over looking for any more kittens. We went everywhere I could think of that the woman may have stopped. As if to confirm my worst fear we saw a coyote near the place where we'd first seen her.

We ended up bringing them to our house and I'm trying to find homes for them now.

We call this one Graystripe. She's a girl.

This is Frenzy. We named him after a cat I had when I was young.

They like sleeping on top of our DVDs.

I haven't any luck finding them homes so far. It's kind of stressing me out. I hate to take them to a shelter but we really can't keep them. And I'm afraid of posting on Craigslist because I read that sometimes people with bad intentions look for animals on Craigslist. I'm just hoping someone we know will take them. Anyone in Southern California want a cat or two?

Feeling Weepy

I've been a little down lately. I've been trying to pinpoint the cause for weeks without success. Yesterday I was feeling especially blah but I chalked that up to finishing the last Harry Potter audio book. It's the second time around (I'd already read them) so you'd think I might be immune to the feeling of loss that accompanies the end of a great series of books. Alas, I still mourned for all the characters I'd be leaving within the pages--I mean the CD. But after we finished the last disc Jerry wanted to run over to the mall for some pre-birthday window shopping at the Lego Store, so I didn't have too much time to feel sad.

As we were driving to the mall I looked over at Jerry in the passenger seat and noticed what looked like a bird's nest in his hair. "Oh my God," I said, "You've got to fix your hair before we go into the mall." Jerry eyed me suspiciously and said "Why do you care so much how I look? Are you worried about your rep?"

I had to laugh because yes, that's pretty much what I'm worried about and I said so. But I also said I was worried about his "rep" too. "Mom," he said, "it's not like I'm going to the mall to make friends. It's highly unlikely someone is going to walk up to me and said 'Hi. Wanna be my friend' at the mall."

So then I was trying to explain (these kind of explanations never go well for me) how even though it's good not to care what people think they are still making assumptions about you and things are just easier if the initial assumptions they make are positive. "It just saves a lot of work in the end," I said.

Then Jerry said "I don't get it. Wait, you don't have to explain it again. It's okay. I don't really care." And he turned up the music.

Ha! Then, as I was marveling at his level of understanding and at how much he has to teach me, he said, "Mom, you know when I get all sad about not having friends and I get all 'Oh I need more friends' and stuff? It's just because I'm tired. I only feel that way when I'm tired or I haven't eaten or something. It doesn't really have anything to do with having friends or not having friends."

I almost started crying. (I did say I've been weepy lately.) How did he get so mature? How did he know that was just the thing I needed to hear and that I needed to hear it from him? Where does this amazing insight come from?

So I was feeling all better and amazed and we spent some time in the Lego Store then came home because Jackson was on his way over for a play date. Back at home the blahs came back, so I watched the first Harry Potter movie (we're going to watch the movies again now) and that made me feel a little better. And then Warren got home with groceries and made dinner for me and that made me feel even better.

I'm wondering if part of what's got me feeling low is that I'm finally settling into our unschooling lifestyle. The honeymoon phase is over and though I'm still gaga over the whole idea of unschooling it's not new anymore. So now I have to figure out how it works with our regular life. This whole past year has been a whirwind, especially since we spent a quarter of it in New Zealand. All the excitement is over now. We don't have any trips planned--I've put a ban on travel this year thanks to the ever expanding cost of building our deck.

Mainly I think I need to set some goals for myself and start working toward them. During our year of deschooling I purposely stayed away from setting any big goals so we'd have the freedom to make split second decisions and to find a natural rhythm for ourselves. But I think this is starting to feel a bit like aimless wandering to me.

Little by little I've started making a dent in the chaos that is my office so I should be able to work in there again soon. That's where I'm going to start. I've got to set some of my own goals and start working toward them. Hopefully that will make me feel better.

Father/Son Getaways & Turning 40

Jerry and Warren are off on their annual father/son weekend. Every Labor Day since Jerry was two or three they take a trip together. It was first recommended by our marriage counselor as a way to give me some time to myself. Oh how I looked forward to Labor Day weekend each year when Jerry was little! Last year, for the first time they invited me to come along--that was when we went to San Francisco. But this year they're on their own in San Diego. They sent me this photo from a Devo concert at the Del Mar Race Track. Devo!And what have I been doing with my weekend alone? I've been sewing curtains for the room we're renting out, reading, having dinner and a way too much wine with my neighbor. I went to see the new Woody Allen movie, Vicky Christina Barcelona, which I loved. Oh, and I was privileged to attend the 93rd birthday of my friend Sol, the man that I volunteer for on Saturday mornings.I went over before the party to help set up and then went to pick up his 97-year-old friend, Thelma. In fact, it was on Thelma's recommendation that I went to see the Woody Allen movie. The party was really nice. I met the two other women that read for him (he has macular degeneration so he can't read to himself anymore) and I think I may become good friends with one of them, which is good because my friends tend to leave Los Angeles faster than I can make new ones (could it be me?).

Today I'll finish making the curtains, clean the extra bathroom (oh joy) and maybe go see another movie. I might go for a good long walk with our dog Patsy, too. And I might even go buy myself some running shoes. This would be completely out of character for me because I have long held the belief that a person should only run if they are being chased by someone intending to do them harm. However, the clock is ticking. My 40th birthday is less than two months away and that calls for drastic action.

I took drastic action number one last week when I bought myself new skincare products. Yes, I now have a grown up woman's skincare regimen. I don't know what I was waiting for--more wrinkles, I guess--because at 39 I think it's safe to say I've been a grown up woman for a number of years now. I guess I'm a little slow.

Why should running be drastic action number two? Umm, I don't know, really. Maybe it's the Murakami book I just started, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. But also I think it might be that I'm in the mood to challenge myself. When we were in New Zealand I met a couple who had just completed a triathlon. That seems like something I could never do in a million years, (my first question to the woman was "Did you cry?") so I'm wondering if maybe I should try it. I'm going to start off by seeing if I can run for more than thirty seconds at a time and I'll just go from there. I'm not saying I'm going to run a triathlon, mind you. I'm just saying I might try running and then I might try swimming and then maybe I'll try biking and if I feel good about all of them eventually I might try doing them all in a row with a bunch of other people. Maybe.

Curse The Heat!

This is what happens when you go to a chocolate boutique and buy six beautiful chocolate confections with names like "Fleur de Sel Caramel" and "Lychee Rose" and you gently put them in your purse where they will not get smashed so you can take them home and savor their hand-made goodness with your brother and his girlfriend in celebration of their impending child and then you walk onto the streets of Sacramento where it's 500 degress in the shade and stop in at a few more shops and wait patiently while your son gets the Chinese symbol for courage airbrushed onto his arm before you head home.

They melt.

And then, when you sample what should have been ambrosial goodness (because you couldn't just throw them away!), you are disappointed to discover, though you suspected it was true, that chocolate and caramel and mint and hazelnut and rose don't taste very good when they're all mashed up together. In fact, they taste bad. Very, very bad.

I just thought you should know.

Topic Overload

I'm suffering from post idea paralysis brought on by too many things going through my head at once. It's probably because Jerry and I are in a holding pattern here at my mom's as we wait for the HSC conference to begin, so we're not really doing anything other than hanging out and having fun. But that's not really a very interesting subject. I do have a bunch of other things I'd like to write about, but I can't pick one. So I'm just going to summarize all the things that have been going through my mind. Things I might have written an entire post about--but didn't.

1. I should have been a race car driver. That's all I could think as I was sailing around the curves on the road to pick Jerry up at camp. It was awesome! But since everything I know about racing I learned from the Herbie movies I don't think I can even call myself a fan. I might become one, though.
   
2. A sister should not pick up and move to Ireland with her husband and two young children indefinitely. If someone's sister says she is moving back home in two years she should move home in two years. When asked "Are you still coming home in June?" she should not pause for five long seconds before saying, in a very unconvincing tone of voice, "Um, yeah, we are...It's just so expensive." She should just say "YES!" (Grrrrrrrr! Can you see my mad face? I. Want. My. Sister. Back!)
   
3. I'm giddy with excitement over the HSC conference because they have some of the coolest workshops ever (video game making, ukelele playing, and other great schooly and unschooly lectures) and because I'm going to meet Becky from Life Without School. It's so exciting when the blogging world and the real world collide!
   
4. When Jerry and I were at the Exploratrorium in San Francisco (where we unexpectedly ran into some of our favorite people from our homeschool group in L.A.!) we got the coolest toy ever. It's called Stringthing Limbo. You can limbo with it but it's much more fun just to touch it while it's moving and see what happens to the string.
5. My brother's girlfriend is pregnant! Yippee! We're going to have another person to love!!

Disorder Without Borders

The topic was physics, but I'm just self-centered enough to think maybe the author was describing my office.
"Order, by definition, has restrictions and limitations, while disorder knows no bounds."
-Natalie Angier, The Canon: A Whirligig Tour of the Beautiful Basics of Science

Lucky Squared

Warren and I met in 1989 when I was 20. A friend of his had offered to give me a ride up to Shoreline Amphitheater in Northern California to see the Grateful Dead. I had only just met the guy but he was a friend of a friend so I took him up on his offer. A couple weeks later I found myself in his tiny Hollywood apartment, just off the Sunset Strip, being introduced to my weekend traveling companions. Warren was one of them. Within two months we were engaged.

I'm just telling you this because one of the benefits of having no kids in the house is having your partner to yourself. It's not that we've done anything special--we haven't. But boy has it been nice to have time together, alone.

This morning, our last morning as a couple without Jerry, Warren said he felt like he was beyond lucky to have found me. Is there something beyond lucky? I asked. Lucky squared, he said.

This is the man who my mother only ever referred to as "Poor Warren" for the first fifteen years of our relationship. (She finally eased up when I started referring to my father as "Poor Dad".) This is the super organized, ultra prepared (if he were a super hero he'd be Ready Man), neat and orderly guy who somehow ended up with messy, disorganized, fly by the seat of her pants, always waiting until the very last minute to meet deadlines, me. It's amazing, really.

What's even more amazing is that we're still together. Between his long work weeks (the record is 106 hours in one week on Titanic) and our radically different lifestyle habits (I still maintain that living next door to each other--duplex, anyone?--might not be such a bad thing) we had a lot working against us. But a few years of heavy drugs--okay, it was marriage counseling but it cost just as much as a drug habit--and a more realistic definition of marriage (for me, anyway) helped us get through the rough patches.

What really saved us during the toughest years, though, was the fact that Warren never ever stopped believing we could make it work. No matter how much I kicked and screamed, no matter how despondent and infuriating I became, no matter how I wished we could just throw in the towel, he just wouldn't stop trying to make it work. It was pretty annoying, actually.

But now, here we are. Still together. Still driving each other crazy. Still in love. Can you guess what that makes me?

Lucky cubed.

Funny Stuff & Self-Control

Jerry's camp called me today to remind me to pick him up on Saturday. Like I could forget. Now that's funny!

What's not so funny is the fact that I cannot drive within a mile of a Krispy Creme Doughnuts without stopping in for a plain glazed creme-filled doughnut. This is a problem. Seriously. Where is my self-control!? I keep saying I want to lose the 15 pounds that's crept up on me in the last decade but then I do things like stop in at Krispy Kreme just because I'm "in the neighborhood," which loosely translates to anywhere in the city of Burbank. Thankfully I don't go to Burbank very often.

And, I keep saying I want to get stronger so I can show up all those talented teenagers in my circus class who make flipping upside down on a trapeze look as easy as breathing (actually, I'd settle for just not making a fool of myself) but do I do push ups? Sit ups? Have I installed the chin up bar I bought a month ago so I can actually lift myself more than a 1/32nd of an inch off the trapeze when I try to pull myself up? No. No. And no.

This has got to change! When I get back from picking Jerry up (which could be this Monday or next depending on if we go to the HSC homeschooling conference in Sacramento) I am going to start building up my strength. I'll probably still stop at Krispy Kreme, though, if I'm in Burbank. And Glendale really isn't too far from Burbank so maybe if I'm Glendale, too. Actually, Krispy Kreme is right off the 5 freeway so really anytime I have to get on the freeway it's just a hop skip and a jump to creme-filled bliss.

See what I mean about self-control?

P.A.T.H.E.T.I.C.

Seriously. What am I going to do when Jerry grows up and leaves home if I can't even manage 12 days? He's been gone for 12 days now and yesterday I was willing that phone to ring, just waiting for the words, "I want to come home" to sail in through the earpiece. My bags were packed and ready. I could have been out the door in an instant. Okay, my bags weren't packed. But I could have been out the door in an instant.

Last night I laid awake wondering if I might be able to get a job at camp (cow milking? pig deodorizing?) for this last week. I had it all planned. They wouldn't need to give me a room. I could just pitch a tent somewhere on the ranch and I'd stay out of Jerry's way and everything but at least I'd be there. If he needed me he could come to my tent for a quick hug. He could talk to me about the girl that's been annoying him while I milk the cow. He could walk in front of me with his nose plugged while I carry the pig slop down the hill trying not to let it spill on my new farming shoes (because I'd have to buy a new pair of shoes for the job, right?). He'd still sleep on his platform with the boys but he'd know that somewhere out there, under the third Oak to the right, perhaps, his mother was stoking her tiny campfire, reading some Jane Austen, and waiting to be needed. See what I mean? Pathetic. What is wrong with me?!

I should have had more children. Or I should have planned my three weeks in advance so I wouldn't have so much free time for thinking about things and missing people. Speaking of time for thinking, I can't find that Howard Zinn audio book now. That's what happens when you're me. You spend a week cleaning and organizing your house so you know where to find things and then you can't find the one thing you want.

But I shouldn't dwell on the missing or the misplaced. There are lots of good things happening:

1. I got nominated for Allesandra's Homeschool Blog award. Woohoo!! Go to her blog and vote for me! In the meantime I'll try to think up a catchy slogan. Something like, "Vote Colleen! She's keen!" or "New Unschooler! It sure rule-ers!" No?
2. Two students came to look at our room for rent this week and they were both really nice. (The one that seemed more interested does have one slight drawback--she has a chihuahua. Puh-lease. How can you even call those things dogs?)
3. I'm helping a friend with her son's birthday party today. It's a big carnival party and should be loads of fun.
4. Tomorrow I'm having lunch with one of the mom's from Jerry's old school. She's someone I really like who's husband also works in the film business, so we can commiserate on life as married mothers who happen to be single much of the time.
5. A bunch of friends from our Grateful Dead days are coming over for a BBQ on Saturday.
6. Our house did not fall down in the earthquake.
7. Our deck is coming along nicely and even though it's way smaller than we wanted it to be I think it's going to be lovely.
8. I put shelves in one of the closets downstairs and now all of our blankets are in one place so I will always be able to find them when I need them (unlike the Howard Zinn audio book).
9. I'm leaving to pick Jerry up exactly one week from today.

I feel a little better now.