September 24, 2008

Feeling Weepy

I've been a little down lately. I've been trying to pinpoint the cause for weeks without success. Yesterday I was feeling especially blah but I chalked that up to finishing the last Harry Potter audio book. It's the second time around (I'd already read them) so you'd think I might be immune to the feeling of loss that accompanies the end of a great series of books. Alas, I still mourned for all the characters I'd be leaving within the pages--I mean the CD. But after we finished the last disc Jerry wanted to run over to the mall for some pre-birthday window shopping at the Lego Store, so I didn't have too much time to feel sad.

As we were driving to the mall I looked over at Jerry in the passenger seat and noticed what looked like a bird's nest in his hair. "Oh my God," I said, "You've got to fix your hair before we go into the mall." Jerry eyed me suspiciously and said "Why do you care so much how I look? Are you worried about your rep?"

I had to laugh because yes, that's pretty much what I'm worried about and I said so. But I also said I was worried about his "rep" too. "Mom," he said, "it's not like I'm going to the mall to make friends. It's highly unlikely someone is going to walk up to me and said 'Hi. Wanna be my friend' at the mall."

So then I was trying to explain (these kind of explanations never go well for me) how even though it's good not to care what people think they are still making assumptions about you and things are just easier if the initial assumptions they make are positive. "It just saves a lot of work in the end," I said.

Then Jerry said "I don't get it. Wait, you don't have to explain it again. It's okay. I don't really care." And he turned up the music.

Ha! Then, as I was marveling at his level of understanding and at how much he has to teach me, he said, "Mom, you know when I get all sad about not having friends and I get all 'Oh I need more friends' and stuff? It's just because I'm tired. I only feel that way when I'm tired or I haven't eaten or something. It doesn't really have anything to do with having friends or not having friends."

I almost started crying. (I did say I've been weepy lately.) How did he get so mature? How did he know that was just the thing I needed to hear and that I needed to hear it from him? Where does this amazing insight come from?

So I was feeling all better and amazed and we spent some time in the Lego Store then came home because Jackson was on his way over for a play date. Back at home the blahs came back, so I watched the first Harry Potter movie (we're going to watch the movies again now) and that made me feel a little better. And then Warren got home with groceries and made dinner for me and that made me feel even better.

I'm wondering if part of what's got me feeling low is that I'm finally settling into our unschooling lifestyle. The honeymoon phase is over and though I'm still gaga over the whole idea of unschooling it's not new anymore. So now I have to figure out how it works with our regular life. This whole past year has been a whirwind, especially since we spent a quarter of it in New Zealand. All the excitement is over now. We don't have any trips planned--I've put a ban on travel this year thanks to the ever expanding cost of building our deck.

Mainly I think I need to set some goals for myself and start working toward them. During our year of deschooling I purposely stayed away from setting any big goals so we'd have the freedom to make split second decisions and to find a natural rhythm for ourselves. But I think this is starting to feel a bit like aimless wandering to me.

Little by little I've started making a dent in the chaos that is my office so I should be able to work in there again soon. That's where I'm going to start. I've got to set some of my own goals and start working toward them. Hopefully that will make me feel better.

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