March 2, 2009

You Know You're In Trouble When...

you walk into a bookstore with the intention of buying a book because you are completely and utterly depressed and buying a book always makes you feel better--always. But nothing excites you. Nothing. You don't even feel like being there (which is unheard of). Not once in your entire visit do you pick up a paperback and caress its cover or inhale a whiff of the binding (pages open) when no one is looking. You leave the book store empty handed and you don't even care.

Then...you go to California Pizza Kitchen and order your favorite pizza (which for several months has been off the menu and was only recently reintroduced) and when the pizza arrives you don't even feel like eating it! And when you do eat half of what you would normally scarf down it doesn't even taste that good.

Then...you go home, where you have no less than six boxes of thin mints in the freezer, you reach for an open box of cookies, inhale the highly addictive, minty scent, and put the box down. You don't even take it out of the freezer. You don't feel like eating a thin mint! That's right. You read it right, people, I did not want a thin mint!!

Have you dialed 911 yet? Because this is serious!!

Sadly, I can't even blog about it because it all started with a blog post that inadvertently hurt the feelings of someone I love (the post has been removed so don't bother trying to figure out which one it was!). Now the one place where I used to be able to write freely and openly and honestly about my feelings is no longer safe. This sucks.

I know I don't need to blog about my feelings. I mean, really, how lame would that be? But it's fun. And it's nice to vent on a blog, as opposed to with speech, because when you vent with speech it sounds so much more like whining. And blogging allows me to make fun of myself, which is always good. Sure, I could make fun of myself in Microsoft Word or TextEdit and save it into my Documents file, but it's so much more satisfying to make fun of myself on my blog and to know other people are laughing at my mistakes and misfortunes--it makes the mishaps seem like they were good for something, after all. And then of course there are the comments and the support I get from my blogger friends. They really help!

So this pretty much sucks. I know my life is still great in the grand scheme of things but right now I feel sucky and miserable and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to pull myself out of it.

On a side note: My grandmother's funeral was beautiful. Warren and I made a memorial tribute DVD that was played at the service on Saturday and it was perfect. On Sunday we scattered my grandma's ashes at sea, just off the beach where her husband used to surf. We watched her ashes billow into the water like a ghostly cloud (something I wasn't quite expecting), then travel North with the tide, followed by a long, long trail of roses, stargazer lilies, snapdragons, and other flowers we had tossed into the sea after her. She would have loved to have been there. And I know, in a way, she was--just not the way I wanted her to be.

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